Pussy Gato

To be filed in the "once toe-bitten, twice shy" department:

The only pet I had growing up was a genetic freak of a goldfish that lived so long I had to take it to college where it survived my roommates pouring beer in his bowl. No shit, it lived 13 years.

Then, I got married and my wife talked me into getting a cat. There's a dirty joke in there somewhere.

Anyhow, I didn't want one, but eventually relented. I fell in love with the thing and then one day, he started drooling and peeing on my work papers. This really miffed me because the cat beat me to the punch. I wanted to be the one to pee on those work papers. Anyhow, he died very prematurely from the kidney stuff at the age of 8 years. So, this was rather ironic and fitting of my life that the cat who was my best buddy was outlived to the tune of 5 years by my goldfish, who was a complete nuisance and I had to drag to college with me.

This hurt, and while I was burying the cat in the back yard, I swore I'd never have a pet again.

I have a pet again.

Not my choice. But, I'm a father now, nothing's my choice. Speaking of which, the younger daughter picked him out.

The older daughter named him "Cocoa". I was lobbying for Toonces myself. It was once of my favorite SNL skits.

I think he's kinda cute. I'm not saying that just because he's my step son.

I hope he stays the hell away from that light socket.

Well, I better go now, and watch my step while I do it.

Bye.

Stupid Letters Series #1: Nad's Hair Removal Gel

I watched 5 minutes of the Democratic National Convention and decided it would be more fun to watch cement dry.

Instead, I decided to dig up some old memories when times were a bit simpler in my life. During which, I wrote stupid letters to corporations to see what kind of response I could get.

Here's one I wrote to the producers of Nad's Hair Removal Gel back in 2002:


Public Relations
Nad's Hair Removal System
9701 Wilshire Blvd.
#1111
Beverly Hills, CA

February 24, 2002

Hello my friends,

I write to you during summer and receive no reply. Is o.k. though. I am professional bicycle racer from Italy. I use your product a lot on my legs. I asked you in my last letter to be my sponsor so fans can yell "Go Nad's!". But, that is no longer the problem as the wonderful people at Dave's Septic Cleaning Systems are now my sponsor.

I have a problem. I have what we call in Italy "Una Hernina" (a small hernia) from bike racing. Let me give you a hint; if my abdomen was Italy, my hernia would be way, way down in Sicily, if you know what I mean.

I will have surgery soon. The doctor says I need to remove hair "down there" before the surgery. I am so afraid to use a razor down there. Is it possible to use Nad's Hair Removal Gel? In other words, can I use Nad's on my nads? Please write me back. I am so embarrassed to call you. I am afraid I might make someone angry with me. I only have a few more months and I am very afraid about the hair removal. Thank you.

Your friend,

Miguel Canonsito


Their response:




Dear Mr. Canonsito,

This letter is in response to your correspondence to Nad's regarding the hair removal for your surgery. Please be advised, I am no medical professional, however, I don't think Nad's would be a good idea for "yours", as I believe the hair removal gel would be far more painful in that area opposed to a shaver. The hospital will do it for you, won't they? The medical staff is trained to do this carefully for you. The choice, however still is yours to make as to which procedure to use. I apologize for not being of more assistance. Good luck with your surgery.

Sincerely,

LaTece Watts
Aussie Nads Corp Customer Service

The Top 10 Things I Learned By Watching The Beijing Summer Olympics

10) If you're not cute enough, someone will be called in to lip synch for you

9) People in China will practice jumping up and down in a dark box for 4 months

8) Synchronized swimming makes we wish I smoked pot

7) While Americans fake their ID to drink alcohol, the Chinese fake their ID for gymnastics

6) If you throw your bronze medal down, that probably means you wanted something better

5) If Michael Phelps hadn't forgotten to trim his fingernails, he'd have a silver medal

4) 200 meters is not a long enough race to keep you from dancing around shoeless afterwards

3) The Bird's Nest provides inadequate rain protection

2) Trampoline should be done naked. That's how the greeks would have wanted it.

and the number one thing I learned watching the Beijing Summer Olympics...

1) Uzbekistan's national anthem freakin' rocks!

Beer + Tools = I'm So Hetero!

So, I had a weak moment this week when I watched the Olympic Gymnastics Champions Gala, and this left me wondering about my failures to prove my manhood.

Well, Rarrrr! Today I rode 80 miles in the heat. I didn't even stop! Well, except when there was this big, scary 3 foot snake on the rail trail and I stopped for a couple of minutes to let him go by. Oh, and when I stopped in South Charleston to fill my water bottle with Faygo Redpop. That's just because it's all the vending machine had. I swear!

I also got stung by a bee right above my left eyebrow where the skin is really sensitive and thin. But, I didn't even barely know it happened when it hurt and stung like crazy...

...because I'm tough!

Then, when I got home, I cracked me a brewski. Yeah. I didn't put any fruit in it or anything. I drank it straight out of the can. Then I drank, like 3 more.

* Uh! I wish I could burp. *

And I started working on my new bike:




Yeah...she's named after a woman. Uh, I mean a chick. Well, I named her Nana 2.0 after my grandma who died this year. She was a big huge influence in my life.

* God, I miss her...sniff *

Uh...anyhow, to save weight on the seat post, I went in the garage and got my angle grinder out. I cut it off short a few inches to save 25 grams. Gzzzzzzzzzzzzt! Gzzzzt! Gzzzzzt! It makes loud noises and throws sparks and shit everywhere. It's very spectacular, uh, I mean...cool.

It's great that I'm using these manly tools to make my bike lighter because people say I have nice climbing form and I seem to float up hills. Uh...I mean, I can totally kick ass on the climbs! So, I'm building this bike with tools and stuff! I got out all the Phillips wrenches and Allen screwdrivers and all sorts of nuts and bolts and...grommets and stuff.

I think I have to scratch my crotch now.

I have no problem building shit and stuff. All I need to do is whip out these technical diagrams and my male, analytical mind is able to interpret it right off the bat.

See?


After a while, I gave up. But, that's because I went and made some meat on the grill. Yeah, I made big-ass hamburgers for dinner. To make them taste nice I like to sprinkle some Mrs. Dash in there and maybe some Parmesan cheese and pepper...

Okay, so, I better "git 'R done" and get back to work with my tools now.

These metal parts are really greasy. How do I get all this grease out from under my fingernails?

At least I'm not worried about my manliness any more.

Rarrr!

Food is a Powerful Motivator

A phone conversation with a part-time instructor named Richard:

Mike: "Richard, I have an unstaffed lecture I was hoping you could take."

Richard: "Oh...gee...I'm not sure. When is it?"

Mike: "It's Tuesday/Thursday 12:30pm to 1:45pm."

Richard: "Did you say Tuesday and Thursday?"

Mike: "Yes."

Richard: "Oh, I'd love to! Tuesday and Thursday is the best Cafeteria day!"

Mike: "Really?"

Richard: "Yeah! They have all sorts of carved meats."

Mike: "Carved meats?"

Richard: "Carved turkey, carved beef, carved ham. It's by far the best day. Friday is the worst day because they just cook a bunch of leftover stuff."

Mike: "Okay, well maybe I should put more Tuesday/Thursday lectures in the schedule and let everyone know it's carved meat day?"

Richard: "Ha ha! Make sure you tell them about the carved turkey. Elby used to come in on Thursday just because of the carved turkey. It's outstanding. The beef is good too."

Mike: "Okay, Richard, the lecture is yours. I hope the cafeteria will still have some carved turkey at 1:45pm."

Richard: "And carved beef."

Mike: "OK, carved beef. Thanks again Richard."

Richard: "Oh, thank you Mick."

I think I need to post the cafeteria menu when I do staffing. What do you guys think?

What motivates people never ceases to amaze me.

Bye.

Okay...

I'm thin. I have a weakness for dress shoes. I like talking to women. Once in a while, I find myself with tears welling up in my eyes when I watch a children's TV show.

These things all put me at risk.

But I swear, I wear spandex and shave my legs because I love the sport of cycling. It's NOT the other way around!

I guess I just wanna get it off my chest that I watched a great deal of the Olympic Gymnastics Champion's Gala tonight. And, this has me further wondering about myself.

Sometimes they also call it a "gymboree".

Oh God.

I think I have to go find some more plumbing to do now...

Or maybe...not.

My house wet itself, part dieu

So, I decided follow the advice of an alert and knowledgable reader and pulled the dishwasher out to take a look:


And then I turned the water on...

...and I noticed the line feeding the washer spraying water all over the place.

Cus, it like, burst.

Bursted?

Whatever it did, it did it while were gone for three weeks, of course.

So, I feel kinda stupid for paying that plumber guy $204 when I coulda done that myself.

I guess I got hosed.

My house wet itself

Hi.

I'm back from vacation.

I need to tell the story of how I came back and there was a huge puddle of dirty water in the basement:

Well, when I came back from NY on vacation, there was this...huge puddle of water in the basement.

So, I called the plumber and asked him to check it out.

His name is Shawn. He charges a lot on the weekend. He looked at the puddle. Then, he looked at stuff directly above it upstairs. He used a flashlight. He also wears a belt, so he didn't have plumber butt.

Then, he told me the dishwasher was toast. Or, maybe it was the other way around. I dunno. What I do know is that we just bought a dishwasher like warranty period + 2 months ago.

Shawn shut the water to the dishwasher off. Then, he charged me $204.

So, now, we have a new dishwasher.

His name is Mike.

Bye.

After I watch the Chinese olympics...

...I just wanna watch 'em again an hour later!

Update

Thank you, alert and informed readers.

* Shiver *

What a tragedy it is...

...that I don't know what a Hamlet is.

My former elementary school is in the "Hamlet" of Maine, NY.

My in-laws own a cabin in the Hamlet of Woodgate, NY.

I think a Hamlet is something in between a village and a town.

But, I don't know for sure.
So, alert readers, please inform me! Because I have to go expensive restaurant bars or go to my Dad's house to get on the internet here and my opportunties for googling stuff is so limited...

To be a Hamlet or not to be a Hamlet, that is the question!

Humor me please...

I added the penny to show how big it is. I thought it was an immature pine cone until I tossed a pebble at it and it moved!

* shiver *

It's as big as a...

It looks like a...

All I can say is...my plans to retire in the country seem to fade a bit every day.

Frog Blog

My eight year old is such a sweetie pie. I know all parents say that about their kids. But, in this case it is very true. She says and does some of the kindest, most innocent things and I just know all of that is about to be soon interrupted when the world finally sinks its evil fangs into her.

While on vacation, she has become an expert in the field of frog catching. She stores them in this little plastic aquarium container her grandparents gave her. Through vast experimentation, we have learned that the frogs die if they stay in the container too long. So, the standing rule is that once apprehended, all frogs are only allowed to stay until the next morning. Then, they are to be released on their own froggy recognizance.

Today, she caught two frogs. She immediately named them both. One was named “Wartz” (it was my idea to add the “z” for pizzazz) and the other “Squirt”. Being the consummate sweetheart, she immediately donated Squirt to her little sister who during the frog catching times, generally fails miserably and gets pissed off. She was very pleased with Wartz and Squirt and was enjoying their company.

Then, it was time for us to go to the park so her mother could run and I could feed the bugs. She asked if Wartz and Squirt could come along. I reluctantly said yes, envisioning some disaster like the container toppling over in the car or something.

At the park, there’s another creek that is bigger and inhabited by ducks. When we arrived, my daughter had an idea:

“Daddy, can we release Wartz and Squirt in this creek so they will have a bigger and nicer home?”

“Sure”, I said figuring someday she’ll live in the suburbs and need to understand this mentality. I also figured we’d be getting rid of a liability.

She then emptied the container into the creek. And Wartz and Squirt swam away. And, there was much rejoicing. Yay!

Meanwhile, my daughters were temporarily distracted by the ducks. I watched Wartz swim away…

…and then, he was immediately chased down and eaten by a duck.

“Ducks eat Frogs?” I thought to myself. I guess I should have paid better attention in biology class. I thought ducks were herbivores.

Two seconds later:

“Daddy, where did Wartz swim to?” My daughter asked.

“Ummm…just over there. I think he found a new home!” I lied.

Later on that night, she kept commenting about how happy Wartz must be in his new home.

So, I told her “Wartz is Dead!”

Just kidding.

But. it made me think about how sometimes you have to shelter the ones you love from the truth about the world we live in, a world so cruel poor little Wartz wasn't allowed to enjoy his new bigger and better home...

...until he was abruptly turned into duck poop.

It makes you wonder.

I drank a couple of beers while writing this.

Bye.

Txt msg blg

If U can read ths, U spk txt msg.

Dat means U R txt msging so much, U R expctatns of gramr have dminshd to the pt. where U R not expcting vowls in ordr to save time or $.

Oops, I jst usd 2 vwls. LOL!

BUT, As lng as U can stll read nrml englsh, U B O K.

TTFN!

MJC

Why I am glad I like obscure music

Tonight, I met some dear friends at SPAC and saw The Police live.

Please don't read this wrong. When I was a young teennage lad in the 80's, I listened to the Zenyatta Mondatta album so much I wore my cassette tape out. I think Sting is a great bassist who has a great voice. Andy Summers can still grind the axe and Stewart Copeland is an awesome drummer.

So, I love me some Po Po. And, that's not my point.

When I got to SPAC, it took me 30 minutes to park, another 30 minutes to buy a beer that cost 11 dollars. Then, I could only drink it in the "beer garden" area where ostensibly the beers are grown and people are treated like caged, drunken animals. Then, after numerous text messages, I located my buddy Jamie and pushed and shoved my way through 20,000+ people to where he had a couple of blankets under a foot passenger bridge. Here, we watched the show from the lawn seat area. From this location, I could see a half of a big screen and about half of the stage which was easily a football field away. We chose to leave early and we had to push and shove our way through the huge mass of people jammed together like sardines in lawnchairs. They were getting pissed at our intrusion upon their experience of the Sting TV show and their personal space.

I told them Jamie's dad just was having a heart attack and this helped.

Oh yeah...my ticket cost $47, by the way. $54 after TicketMonster did its damage.

They sounded good and played a lot of my faves; Demolition Man, Driven to Tears and When the World Is Running Down, You Make the Best of What's Still Around. Why does one my favorite songs have to have such a long title which makes it so cumbersome to type?

Good time though.

But, why do we like popular music so much?

Maybe because it's familiar. In the 80's we had these things called "radios". These devices reminds played this kind of music when we were in our cars on a beautiful summer day after you aced that job interview or when your girlfriend just dumped you, blah blah blah...

So, please, let's all become more familiar with music that hasn't engrained itself so deeply in pop culture.

Why?

Well, because it's just as good and accessible! Back in spring, I saw The Toasters at Poison Room with maybe 200 people. My ticket was $12. I drank as much beer as I wanted and stood right in front of the stage. I bought the band a round of beers. I had a chat with the singer/guitarist afterward. I had my picture taken with said singer guitarist. I bought a T-shirt with a cool design for $12.

I was so overwhelmed, I had to sleep in my car for a while.

And drunk. Overwhelmed and drunk.

There wasn't a beer garden. If there was, I harvested a lot of it that night.

My point is; The Toasters might not be as talented as The Police. But, they're damn close. Actually, I think they are and their timing just isn't as favorable as it was for some bands.

Artists like this also need your financial support wayyyyyy more than the Sting TV show does.

So, locate the small clubs around your vicinity and flip your stubs at TicketMonster.

Please?

November 20th: The Toasters at Mad Hatter in Covington.

Let's all go?

Good night. I'm very sober tonight.

Thanks to the beer garden.

Sign Language

Hi.

I'm on vacation.

In Newark Valley, NY.

Tourism is becoming more prevalent in Newark Valley, now attracting 4 visitors per year.

Us.

Whelp, every year, I have this sort of tradition when I visit NY. I locate and change the letters on a marquis sign to read something funny. This is serious business. Actually, no it isn't.

Some of my past works of art include:

Visions Credit Union: Come in for a free anal probe
Kil Kare Speedway: Our undies have skidd marks
Newark Valley High School: Big jugs receive an A

But over the years, I have developed a code of ethics:

Rule #1: Never hit the same sign more than once.
Rule #2: Never change the letters around to read anything extremely vulgar.
Rule #3: Never get caught and arrested.
Rule #4: Change signs far away from Dayton, OH so if rule #3 is violated, my boss never finds out.

This year is Slim Pickens. Not the country singer. I mean there's not much to choose from.

Right in town there's a diner with a sign that reads "Experience Cook Wanted". I think signs that are already misspelled deserve special attention.

So, what can "Experience Cook Wanted" become? The possibilities are limitless.

Now is your time to submit input. Yeah, I could replace an "O" with a "C" and be done. But that would slightly violate rule #2 and just seem too damn...easy.

I do have standards, ya know...

Bye.