Backpedaling

I haven't posted here in forever

2011-10-20T10:43:00.001-07:00

And so, here's something.

I'm tired.

Wileys Anti-Valentine's Day Show

2011-02-14T18:08:00.000-08:00

I clocked in at just under 4 LPM (laughs per minute).

But only because it was such a good crowd.

Good and drunk.

Best Set Yet

2010-12-07T16:43:00.000-08:00

Thanks to a great crowd at Wileys.

Make a Kid Smile Show Benefit for Children's Medical Center.

Thanks for still being here, whoever you are.

What I Did This Weekend

2010-10-17T15:59:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been doing this and it is all-consuming.

Bye.

Another Night at Wiley's

2010-07-12T18:27:00.001-07:00

I didn't bring anybody, so I had a pretty short set. Still it was fun. Gonna take a break for a while.

My UFC Debut

2010-07-11T20:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe I need more coaching.

Wileys Comedy Contest

2010-07-04T16:06:00.000-07:00

Another good night at Wileys as always. Not enough to advance to tonights final round. But, who cares?

I had to back off the community college jokes because it was pissing off a table in the front.

Kbye.

Rent's Due

2010-05-31T19:28:00.000-07:00

Sponging brother won't pay up! Stay tuned for part Deux...

Rowdy Night at the Top Dog

2010-04-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

Holy Cannolli. This was the drunkest crowd of people I've ever played to.

"It's an interactive show here at the Top Dog."

Easter Sunday Night at Wiley's

2010-04-05T15:34:00.000-07:00

Another great night at Wiley's. The place just attracts great comedy fans...period.

Tough Night

2010-03-31T20:04:00.000-07:00

So, you and a half dozen comics show up to a bar for comedy night and the owner says "Comedy Night? That was supposed to be tonight?" This means you end up playing to an audience of 8 people which includes the chatty sound guy who had the reverb turned up way to high.

These are the nights that make you grow. Or, at least I friggin' hope so!

So, I lost my stand-up virginity...

2010-01-25T20:14:00.000-08:00

Yup. I'm hooked on something else now...

I just can't pull the trigger...

2009-12-19T07:45:00.000-08:00

I wanted to buy this book for my brother.

But, something just won't let me pull the trigger.

And, he says my recreational hobby is gay because I shave my legs.

Seems like the words Kama Sutra should be in the title somewhere...

An Army of One

2009-12-06T05:08:00.000-08:00

From The Air Force News web site:

Recruiting service backs down on tattoos

26 recruits were turned away from basic training
By Tom Spoth - Staff writer
Posted : Friday Dec 4, 2009 10:53:48 EST

The Air Force Recruiting Service rescinded a short-lived tattoo policy Thursday, after turning away 26 recruits from basic training.

Yeah, like...just look at these guys who were rejected. The dude on the left was turned away from basic training because of the star on his right forearm. He was hoping to go to officer school.

I think I heard he was inspired to enlist when he nabbed a high score on Call of Duty 2.

They just look like military material to me. So, this is a shame.

Don't ask, don't tell!

Suburban Nerdy Gangstas

2009-11-29T17:47:00.000-08:00

The Off Season

2009-11-22T06:51:00.000-08:00

Chairperson/Faculty Discussion

2009-11-20T18:55:00.000-08:00

Mycoxafloppin

2009-11-14T09:50:00.000-08:00

I downloaded an app called "State". It's too amusing for my own good.

Message to my class

2009-11-13T16:03:00.000-08:00

Son of Godzulla 8

2009-11-08T16:06:00.000-08:00

Is it bad when...

2009-11-06T18:54:00.001-08:00

I look at this photo...

and the first thing I think is...

"Who the hell cabled that bike? The housing was cut way too long!"

That's the first sign of male menopause, I think.

Come do hill repeats with me!

2009-10-11T05:55:00.000-07:00

Up Linden Ave, down 725, rinse and repeat.

Hard to do seated with one hand!

Some kids were going the other way down Linden. Do they know there's an intersection and train tracks awaiting them at the base? I didn't notice any squished bodies down there when I came around. So more power to 'em.

Cluckey

2009-10-01T20:17:00.000-07:00

I would just like it to be known that I have spotted another stray animal just south of Eastwood Metropark on my bike ride home.

I've seen seen countless dogs and cats. I've even seen naked people.

And now, for the past ten days or so, I've seen Cluckey, Dayton's homeless chicken.

And I'm hoping it doesn't rain much tomorrow.

Because his story needs to be told.

John was right and I was wrong...

2009-09-19T18:32:00.000-07:00

I talked to my brother John on the phone today and he predicted that Washington would upset USC.

I, on the other hand, predicted that Toledo would upset Ohio State. I think that's because I am now reacting too emotionally to Ohio State. I am very sick and tired of hearing about nothing but Ohio State when Cincinnati is closer and also has very good team. Maybe even a better team.

So, part of my wants Ohio State to lose so everybody will stop wearing those putrid-looking scarlet and gray jerseys everywhere, like to church and stuff.

I didn't grow up in Ohio and I think that also has something to do with these feelings I have, deep in my groin.

Is this so wrong to feel this way? No! I feel quite self-validated, in fact.

I'm just talking a lot to gloss over the fact the my brother was right and I was wrong. The Wal*Mart greeter and I got into an argument about the Toledo/Ohio State game this morning when I met his very shrill vocal projections with my own prediction that Toledo would score at least 3 touchdowns and he said Ohio State would win 51-0.

So, I want to let you know, I am man enough to admit that my brother was right and that the Wal*mart greeter was more right about the game than I was.

Anyone wants to kick me on the balls a third time? Because I know after this, the law of averages is on my side now...

Word.

Cheech lives on film! 1986?

2009-09-11T13:20:00.000-07:00

John way oversold his misery. Nice Mullet, Chris.

No Good Job Goes Unpunished...

2009-09-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

Baseball Player Shoots Coach

September 7, 2009

FROM STINGWIRE REPORTS

The founder of an adult baseball league on Monday called the Sunday afternoon shooting of a coach by an allegedly disgruntled pitcher an "isolated incident" in the league's history.

The shooting happened in Abbott Park about 2:20 p.m. near East 95th Street and South Michigan Avenue, police said.

An adult baseball team called the Chicago Cardinals was scheduled to play two games in the park Sunday, but trouble began after the first game when the team’s coach pulled a pitcher from the game, authorities said.

The player who pitched during the first game, took offense when the coach, listed on the Cardinals’ Web site as Glynn Hall, decided to put in another pitcher, according to police.

The pitcher went to fetch a gun and shot the coach, an adult male whose age was not available, four times, police said. The coach was taken to Advocate Christ Medical Center in Oak Lawn where he was listed in good condition.

Ya know...this was obviously a good coaching decision. After all, the guy lived, so...the pitcher was obviously losing his control and accuracy.

Blogging on Blogger

2009-09-06T18:41:00.000-07:00

Like, wow, I haven't blogged on here in a long time. I feel bad not blogging on Blogger. Where else should you blog but a place called "Blogger"? Like, where would you play a video game about a frog crossing the street? That's right, "Frogger". Similarly, you should really make a special effor to blog on a place called "Blogger", I think. And, I have not really done a good job of that lately.

*sigh*

But, friends and even the odd cyber-stalker, I thought I'd let you know I am now doing a lot of cyber-blabbing on Associated Content and you can go see that by clicking right on these words that are highlighted to let you know this is a hyperlink.

I have also been blabbing on examiner.com. As a matter of fact, I am "the" cycling examiner for Dayton, Ohio. Wootie woot woot woot!

But, I really miss blogging on here. On those other web sites, I have to sort of neuter my personality and stick to their guidelines. 400 words max, 400 words min, no vulgar language, blah blah blah blah blah and all that shit.

I said shit! Shit yeah! I miss that. Wait, I never really said "shit" before, though...

See? That's what rebellion will do to ya.

Anyhow, I just thought I'd let everyone know that I miss blogging on here. And, I miss writing cuss words.

Okay, see ya later, shit heads!

Poop!

Micks New Helicopter

2009-08-23T19:09:00.000-07:00

Still haven't found the damn thing...

The Phenomenauts in Toronto

2009-08-15T07:10:00.000-07:00

They didn't come on until 12:30am. Still worth it. Friggin' awesome!

Word.

What a dickhead

2009-07-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

My brother won't let me start a Facebook fan page for his business.

And, he says I don't update this blog often enough.

North Korean Bottle Rockets are AWESOME!

2009-07-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

SKorea says North fires 7 missiles off east coast

SEOUL, South Korea – North Korea fired seven ballistic missiles off its eastern coast Saturday, South Korea said, a violation of U.N. resolutions and an apparent message of defiance to the United States on its Independence Day.

Awww...

What a nice gesture of international solidarity. The North Koreans are joining us in our fireworks celebrations!

"We are the world...."

Man Arm Pillow

2009-06-07T08:51:00.001-07:00

New, from Jeffrey Dahmer enterprises, Inc.

It's the Man Arm Pillow!

* Shiver *

Actually, I can see advantages for both genders.

For women: You only get the good part of the man; the cuddly arm and chest. You don't have to deal with the asshole.

For men: Slip this under her head to conclude your one night stand, and tonight, you'll be sleeping in your own bed!

Yep.

Newmark Criterium

2009-05-25T04:30:00.001-07:00

Garage Sale

2009-05-23T17:04:00.000-07:00

'Tis the season!

Bye!

What I do on weekends...

2009-05-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

is pretty much this.

It's fun, in a kinda painful way...

Gettysburg Road Race from ohio cycling on Vimeo.

Random text exchange de jour

2009-04-25T10:01:00.000-07:00

...brought to you by Virgin Mobile!

In case you're just tuning in, I get random periodic texts on my phone. I have a pay-as-you-go plan with Virgin Mobile. Pretty cheap, but I get weird text messages from random people and text-spam. I found this frustrating for a while. But then, I capitulated and started answering back for the entertainment value of it.

My latest round started at 1:09 am this morning! Good thing I don't pay close attention to my phone...

Random Person: you have to tell me what happened on monday in science. LOL.

Mick: We dissected a robot.

Random Person: What?

Mick: His name was Beeblebot.

Random person: What are you talking about? lol.

Mick: Didn't our teacher tell you?

Random person: No?

Mick: For this monday's class, your homework is to collect & bring in a pound of dandelions! If you bring in two pounds or more, you get extra credit!

Random person: For what class?

Mick: Science! You want some? IM up to 8 pounds now!

Random person: Yea. I never heard her say anything about that. Lol.

Mick: She likes gardening, I guess. She's always talking about plants & flowers. I made a 2 pound bag for you, stop over & pick it up!

Random Person: lol I will. Are you serious? For Mrs. XXXXX?

Random Person: You are so lying!

Mick: Yep! Mrs. Blipple, 9th period! This is Bertha, right?

Random Person: Tori.

Mick: Tori, you have the wrong number again. You should go to our school, we have 9 periods and dissect robots!

Random Person: Tori, shut up.

Mick: This isn't Tori. My probation officer is at the door, gotta go, bye!

Random Person hasn't responded.

The economy is soooo bad...

2009-04-21T07:35:00.000-07:00

...that Russian mail-order brides are now free.

Check out this letter and photo I got today:

Hello my the surprised friend!

My name Lyudmila and I wish to take away from you at all a lot of time and to penetrate in my letter! My trade the doctor the dentist. I had an ingenious idea to try to find love not in that place where I live namely not in Russia! In me there were such emotions since recent time! I would like to tell to you about it my friend. On my work in the Stomotologichesky Polyclinic I had a chance that I will go on an exchange for practice to other city for me it it was good and not much not on myself because to go to other city on practice! I do not have there friends or even I am simple girlfriends with which I can to spend time and speak cheerfully about problems in mine to a new life. But the desire to find the acquaintance from other country at me remains on former. Once after work I have gone on foot because weather was fine and saw as enamoured steams follow a hand and exchange gentle kisses. I do not have not enough tenderness and the favourite person in the lives and it to me became very clear after this walk. I like to walk sometimes one alone with myself and to think about the lives. I could not find the happiness in my city and till now is lonely. For myself I have resolved to search for the love in other country. I wish to tell about myself directly that to me 32 years and my growth 168 see I live to Russia, city Kanash. I wish to be happy life in the and I have serious sights at this world. At me the big age and is a lot of experience behind shoulders. I am confident that we can to find with you the general a theme of conversation and to learn each other more.
I hope to see yours the letter my friend about your life.

I would like to see that we became good friends and not only.

If you are serious and interested please reply ONLY to my personal email: XXXXX@XXXX.XXX

I would like to see that we became good friends and not only.

Yours new friend Lyudmila.

I am very glad she took time away from me to penetrate in her letter.

Maybe I should write her back and break it to her that I'm married, and that I don't find myself particularly attracted to women who have arms growing out of their back...

Maybe they can take care of that at the Stomotologichesky Polyclinic?

Oiy!

2009-04-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

Jets upset about home games on Jewish holidays

The Associated Press

FLORHAM PARK, N.J. | The New York Jets, upset about being scheduled for home games on consecutive Sundays in direct conflict with Jewish holidays, sent NFL commissioner Roger Goodell a letter asking that one of the game times be changed.

I don't see the problem...

Isn't it all about getting the quarter back?

I was lucky!

2009-04-14T09:06:00.000-07:00

The Easiest Wreck I've Ever Had
My first road racing wreck. It only took me 8 years.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1644363/the_easiest_wreck_ive_ever_had.html

Statement of The Obvious Series

2009-04-10T10:57:00.000-07:00

Statement #1: Taxes Gonna Gitcha!

Ben Franklin once said "The only sure thing in life are death and taxes." And, that my friends, is why Ben Franklin is on the $100 bill. Gas stations won't even carry Ben Franklin because of the tax burden.

This leads to the not so smooth segue about how when Mickey was a young lad, he liked the Boston Celtics, pronounced "Sell Ticks". Then, there's Celtic music, which is pronounced "Kell-tick".

Why?

I have no flippin' idea.

Anyway, Mickey liked the Celtics because sometimes Mickey liked to kick it old school and the Celtics were old school. They were all about the bounce pass to the post up move to the fade away bank shot. "Go Celtics, Go!" Mickey would yell at the TV, only to have it not answer him back. The Celtics were awesome and fun to watch. Mickey's favorite was not in fact Larry Bird, but Robert Parish, who they dubbed with the nickname "The Chief". Why? because he looked like a chief! That's why!

Then came a period of demise and decline. Larry Bird, Robert Parish and Kevin McHale retired. Reggie Lewis died. Rick Pitino was signed as coach and thought he could make pro players press full court for 80+ games 60 minutes at a time. And the Celtics became a little bit poopy.

But last year, they were good again. And they won the NBA championship, which prompted their new star, Kevin Garnett, to proclaim he was "On top of the world!" kinda like a cross between a WWE wrestler and Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic.

And what does this have to do with taxes, you ask?

Welp, somewhere in between the Bird years and the decline, Mickey's dad bought him a share of Boston Celtics stock. That's right, the Boston Celtics used to be a publicly traded company. But, it was not really a stock per se, it was a master limited partnership, which in layman's terms means, something like a stock.

Mickey's dad bought 100 shares and sold 99. And for the one remaining share, he asked the brokerage for the certificate. Did you know you can hold stock certificates instead of allowing your broker to hold them for you? And, did you know most stock certificates must somewhere have a human figure on them?

Yes, it's very pretty and a very good conversation piece. I mean, I'm already probably at 400 words and I am still ready to talk even more.

And what's even more jolly, it threw off a dividend while it was sitting on my wall. So, my Dad would be mailed a check paid to me for like, $3 every year and I would cash it. What other type of wall hanging pays you while it sits on your wall?

But this tax year, Ben Franklin was right. I was sent a form 1099-B for a broker and barter exchange transaction. I don't want to mire this entry in technical jargon, but to fully explain, must say that this was probably the result of exchange between a broker and a barter. On the form, it claimed I was paid $5.35 and this amount was reported to the government.

Naturally, I was left with two questions:

1) Dad, where the hell is my check for $5.35?

and

2) Where the hell do I claim this on my taxes so Ben Franklin doesn't haunt me?

To which the answers are, I dunno and line 21.

Line 21 is the "other income" line. That's what gamblers, prositutes and brokers and barter exchangers use. And, so did I.

And so, if the federal deficit hits 1 Trillion dollars, you should all know it will be a couple of dollars less because I claimed $5.35 on my taxes that I never saw.

And that makes me feel like I was struck by lightning while flying a kite, or somethin'...

Bye.

U Scoot

2009-04-04T13:10:00.001-07:00

In case I don't get back with ya...

2009-03-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

...right off the bat.

My Dad helped me find a new outlet.

When Geese Attack

2009-03-21T03:16:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was riding the River Corridor Trail to my workplace downtown. I have experienced some episodes of total cosmic awareness on this particular stretch of trail.

* Flashback Swirly Transition *

I specifically recall a day when I had the kids in tow in the pull-along buggy. It was a sunny, warm, summer day. A freight train was approaching ahead to cross perpendicularly over us. I alerted the kids and they started chattering with excitement. We intersected the path of the train just in time to cross under the bridge to hear its roar and the clickity-clack of the rails and I peeked back to notice them looking up at the train in awe. I was struck with the profound sense that I was being a good Dad that day. And for them, I may have helped create one of those childhood memories that remain with you until you find yourself in the assisted living center.

Then yesterday, after crossing under this very same bridge, a goose was approaching rapidly through the air. I expected it to splash down in the river, but it did not. It continued its trajectory. It seemed to be heading my general direction, but actually, it was headed to a point a few meters in front of me, because that's where I would be in a few moments. Several seconds later, I realized my fate was to become the victim of an aerial goose attack. Goose now within feet of me, it started to broaden its wings and honk loudly. It came so close I heard the rush of wind created by its wings beating over A Message To You Rudy by The Specials, which prophetically had been selected to play on random mode by my mp3 player. A sign of things to come, I suppose.

I ducked. I wondered why they call that action "ducking" and if it has anything to do with ducks. Then, I let out a sound very resemblant of my pre-crash "this is the big one" scream.

It sounds like this; "ahhhhhhhh!". You had to be there.

Anyhow, I avoided contact with the angry goose, but, I achieved contact with the handlebar, banging my chin pretty hard.

In case you are missing the irony here, earlier in the year, I wrote a scathing piece on goose rights and pissed off a bunch of Chesley Sullenberger fans, and Rush Limbaugh clones.

And now, as if through some sort of death bed conversion, I happily take side with these people. After all, geese don't deserve the same rights as people. They are barely even human. They are a slave to their instincts, and most importantly, they don't respect our right to ride our bicycles or fly our planes and when you invade their territory, they throw a big hissy fit. They even mate for life. How stupid is that?

And, they poop all over the damn place. Sometimes, they don't even stop walking while they are pooping. They just walk and poop at the same time. And now, on top of all that nuisance, they have now tainted my favorite stretch of rail trail. I feel like I was violated in every way. Well, not sexually. The goose didn't violate me sexually. And the goose didn't goose me. I want to be clear about that. But I feel a bit vexed because when I rode home I was cowering in fear of another goose mobbing.

Mobbing, is when pissed off birds fly at your noggin. In case you didn't want to click on the hyperlink.

So, I'm sorry I sound like such a bird biggot. I just really doubt it's possible for us all to get along on this planet. And, it makes me honkin' mad.

Because geese suck and they are mean.

Thank you.

Now that eBay allows a picture upload...

2009-03-20T17:01:00.001-07:00

...you can get a better sense of the real person behind who is not paying you.

Like this guy who took 8 days to pay me.

I was somewhat comforted to know he was just preening himself the whole time.

Bye.

2009-03-17T19:54:00.001-07:00

Two of my favorite things all wrapped up in one...

A fixed gear with a DEVO logo.

Benefits the Lance Armstrong Foundation. So, make that three.

http://www.devobikeauction.com/

2009 MAC Championship

2009-03-14T21:35:00.000-07:00

I made a trip to see it, albeit a short one.

Just as well.

Some Good Business Ideas I'll Never Go Through With...

2009-03-12T10:13:00.001-07:00

...because I am too busy working for the man.

Testosteroni -- Pasta

Missing or craving a man in your life? Testosteroni pasta would be manufactured to resemble the parts of the male anatomy you miss. Not just elbows, mind you, the good stuff. Do not overcook, for obvious reasons.

Carpet Diem -- Flooring Outlet

Carpet Diem is the home of the "seize the carpet" daily specials, where the price of one type of carpet is reduced drastically to attract customers. But, the sale only lasts one day, so you had better act quick!

No Car Left Behind -- Late Night Taxi Service

This business model capitalizes on drunk people who are too intoxicated to drive but do not want to leave their car stranded by calling a taxi. You call a pager number left with the bartender (business cards would be ideal) and No Car Left Behind responds via folding bicycle. The crack staff of late night cyclists will travel to the establishment where you most recently found yourself shit-faced, fold the bicycle, stow it in your trunk and drive your drunk ass home. Charging you triple what a taxi cab would.

The world would be a better place...

2009-03-09T12:49:00.000-07:00

if we just owned up to everything we don't know from the get-go.

+1 to everyone who does.

Chemical Mix-Ups

2009-03-05T13:04:00.000-08:00

When you are a chemist, certain things drive you nuts. I'd like to barium.

What kinds of things, you ask? These things:

"Don't go outside in the rain or you'll melt!"

When water touches sugar, it dissolves, damn it. Dissolves! Assuming the sweet thang you are referring to is made of cane sugar or table sugar, which is also referred to us lab coat wearing geeks as sucrose, you have to heat it in order to melt it, not add water. Melting is the transfor-freaking-mation of something between the solid and liquid states in it's pure form. And according, the The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics, which is nestled firmly in my lap as we speak, sucrose melts at 185-186 degrees Celsius, which in normal Fahrenheit temperatures is, pretty friggin' hot!

"Lactating"

I don't really know why production of breast milk is called lactating. From what I can tell, the most prevalent single ingredient of breast milk is lactose, the sugar that is in dairy, not lactate, which is the negative ion of lactic acid, the product of anaerobic respiration.

So, I think breast feeding mothers should be lactosing and not lactating. Bike racers, when riding above their lactic acid threshold are the ones that build up lactic acid in the bodies and feel pain in their legs. During a race, when a teammate rides up to me in the peleton and asks how I am feeling, I usually tell him I am lactating, and now you know why.

Maybe there is something I am missing, because I was not breast fed as a child. And maybe that's actually why I am so cranky.

Cholesterol

Cholesterol is not cholesterol. What I'm saying is what we call cholesterol are actually lipoproteins. And because I'm getting tired, I'm not going to explain very fully. Cholesterol proper is a 4 ringed structure that is very vital to making your cell membranes strong.

But, when you have high cholesterol, it doesn't mean you can just shun everything in your diet that has a lot of cell membranes, like shrimp for example, which has a lot. My Dad proved this when he decided to not eat anything that had cholesterol in it and his cholesterol shot up so high that the doctor said his blood type was "gravy". I think he said his cell membranes felt strong, as hell, though.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is, we should use the proper term and when you get your cholesterol checked you should be getting your lipoproteins and triglycerides checked. I threw triglycerides in there without prior mention but I wrote a whole blog about triglyceride on fat Tuesday.

So, I think I am done now. Thanks for listening.

Bye.

I can't believe how primitive some people are...

2009-03-03T09:32:00.000-08:00

Man wanted to have sex with cousin before beating her with VCR

Sunday, March 1, 2009, 12:27 PM

DAYTON - A 51-year-old woman’s condition has been upgraded to stable after she was beaten in the head with a VCR by a cousin Saturday, Feb. 28, days after the suspect was released from prison.

I mean come on, really...

Everybody's using DVR's now.

In Memory of Squeek The Fish 2008-2009

2009-02-28T06:13:00.000-08:00

Squeek The Fish finally succumbed to a long and cowardly battle with intestinal problems and passed away last night in his fishy sleep. Ironically, he chose to exit this world on the first Friday of Lent, a very popular night for Catholic fish frys.

He was one year old, we think. We also think he was in fact, a "he".

But, the memory of Squeek lives on. The hallmark of his life were certainly the signature poo-trails of stunning length.

His bowlmate, Goldie, seems to be taking it quite well. As a matter of fact, a few days prior to Squeek's death, she showed us that the torch of voluminous poopiehood had been passed to her, and she was more than willing to carry it.

Wow! I'm sure Squeek's watchin' you up in fishy heaven. And, he is proud.

Just like I am.

You go, girl.

You go.

Cod Killa'

2009-02-26T18:11:00.000-08:00

* thump thump thump thump *

...M.C. Mackerel is in the Houuuuuuuuuuse!

Bloop!...bloop!...bloop!...bloop!...

* drum fill *

Yeaaahhhhhh...

now put your fins up in th' air
and swish 'em around like you're fresh-caught fare
'cus Lent is the time of year
when I be snatchin' up salmon like a big brown bear!

Cus I'm a...

Cod Killa', Cod Killa'
Batter dip, fry and sprinkle malt vinega'
Cod killa', thank God it's Fry-day
Cus baby Fish stick time is the highlight 'o my day!

I'm headed on down to Catholic church
for the semi-annual fish fry
For days I been dreamin' 'bout some perch
and hangin' with my homies while I'm rollin' that die

Cus I'm a...

Cod Killa', Cod Killa'
My breath be stinkin' like I was Godzilla
Cod Killa', get outa my way
cod liver f***in' oil be my Vitamin A!

I don't matter how you prepare it
I'll eat any damn thing in the sea
But sorry Charlie, I don't share it
Don't deprive me of 'da omega-3!

Cus I'm a...

Cod Killa', Cod Killa
I'm downing hush puppies with the wafers of 'da Nilla
Cod Killa', don't be no fool
You ain't got the caviar to swim in my school!

* synthesizer riff *

Yo!, Take the skin off and 'da bones out y'all, M.C Mackerel sayin' peace out!

* fadeout *

The Octagon's Purpose Has Been REVEALED!

2009-02-25T05:12:00.000-08:00

The eight-sided enigma that sits atop my Dad's house has a definite purpose, so sources close to my Dad (so close, in fact that they actually are my Dad), have revealed.

This project was motivated by my Dad's strong ire for the power company, which sits just just behind Nazi Germany and The Democratic National Party as his most hated organizational empires.

The structure will use infrared radiation from sunlight to heat the air inside. This warm air will then be pumped into the house where it will join the hot air produced by Dad, the cold 55 degree air that fills the majority of the house and the high levels of radon that creep up through the basement.

I'm going to give my Dad credit and say this seems like a brilliant idea and I hope it works out well.

Now, if we only knew what the orange cone was for...

Some thoughts about triglyceride

2009-02-23T08:33:00.000-08:00

It seems only fitting on this day to talk about Triglyceride. Because, today is Fat Tuesday.

Triglyceride is what we call "fat". It's a semi-liquid substance with a glycerol backbone and three fatty acids. It is used for energy reserves helps to insulate you and cushion your organs.

The problem is, after winter, many people feel like their organs are too cushioned. I see some people who's organs are so cushioned they can barely walk. What kind of impact are they bracing for? I would suspect their knowledge of their organs are being extra cushioned isn't much of a consolation to them. I mean, how valuable is it that your organs be cushioned anyway? Have you ever heard of a thin person having an accident someone would have normally lived through but that particular person didn't make it through because their organs weren't cushioned enough?

"Poor Chuck, he had a lack of spleen cushioning and it dun' ruptured when he fell out that ten story buildin'..."

So, if you agree that organ cushioning is a bit overrated, what shall you do to shed some of your extra triglyceride?

Well, first of all, you need to think of yourself having a caloric budget. And, then you need to spend calories like our government spends taxpayer money. Well, under periods of war or republican administrations at least. Actually, I think those two are pretty much the same thing.

The weather is getting nicer outside. Maybe it's time for a caloric stimulus package? Do this by indiscriminately spending calories on anything no matter how useless it is, just for the sake of it because it's better than doing nothing. That's why you see fitness walkers moving their arms in such a silly fashion. Be comforted by the fact that there no possible way nature will allow for you to add triglyceride if you spend more calories than you take in. Sure, your body can burn carbohydrate and protein, but I don't want to complicate this article by presenting too many truths.

Fat has 9 calories of energy per gram. A pound of fat is 454 grams or 4,086 calories. So, if you run for an hour expending 809 calories and then refuel by eating a 250 calorie Clif Bar and wash it down with a 110 calorie Old Milwaukee Light, that's a calorie deficit of 449 calories. Just make sure the Clif Bars aren't the peanut ones, or you'll really lose weight, if you know what I mean.

So, do that 8 more times and over the long term you will have used up a pound of fat. Yay. No South Beach, no Atkins, no Weight watchers. Just burning through calories like the US Government or a person who is a credit risk.

Failure to do this, might cause further inflation.

Are you still reading this? I have a feeling some of you are just skimming and now the calculation part has scared you off. Please comment specifically to prove to me you read this part.

Realize, this is much easier said than done. Most people can't run for an hour. Also, it's hard not to overeat, because triglyceride tastes good it is certainly pretty hot and temptin g. I happen to be lucky enough to sit here and pontificate because I am hyper active and I eat like a bird because I can't burp. So, I must admit, it's easy for me to say and maybe I'm being a bit insensitive.

So treat it as food for thought.

Happy Triglyceride Tuesday.

Don't be a lardass.

I Got Toasted in the Church Parking Lot

2009-02-19T06:01:00.000-08:00

On their web site, I noticed my favorite ska band, The Toasters, had a gig in Indianapolis.

So, I went.

But wait, there's more!

The venue was someplace called "ES Jungle". Sounded very tropical and enticing. And, what with this weather and a late day at work the next day, I decided it would be worthwhile to embark on a little adventure. ES Jungle didn't have a web site. Somewhere, it was referred to as "Indy's newest all ages venue." I was wary of the term "all ages" which usually means ages 18-20.

Oh well.

I mapquested it and brought my GPS thingy and pointed my car west for two hours.

I finally arrived at the exact location and found myself in the suburbs surrounded by ritzy quarter million dollar houses. Not the typical location for a club or bar. So, I drove back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and I still couldn't find anything remotely resembling a ES freakin' Jungle.

I called my wife. God bless her for letting me go on this safari, let alone providing remote technical support. She got on the web and verified I had the correct address and I was sitting right at the exact spot. The only thing nearby was a church across the street. I figured see if I could ask some of the nice Christian people attending Wednesday night mass if they knew about ES Jungle.

Turns out, the church is ES Jungle. Church was not in session. And, the stage was in the church hall downstairs.

There were some punkers outside smoking and I got right to asking the vital questions:

"When do The Toasters play?"

"Does this place have a bar?"

30 minutes and no it kinda sucks.

Church or no church, there's something wrong about attending a show completely sober. So, I went to a little quicky mart down the road and bought a small box of chardonnay, the little kind with 3 glasses of wine in them. And I drank it down, fast. I used to like chardonnay. It's not meant to be drank fast. But, I beat 30 minutes, for sure by like..27 minutes.

I went in, payed my cover and watched the show with the kids. Sans Buck, the singer and guitarist of 28 years, I was the oldest guy there. The place is even run by kids.

They were nice kids. And, I had a good time. Maybe the most fun I've ever had in church. Well, next to the time when we were kids and my brother did situps when nobody was looking in the back of the choir loft during mass. That was hilarious.

Oh. So, boy, that wine hit me. After their set, I prepared to point my car to Dayton and enjoy the nice tailwind.

But, I was tired and seeing double from the wine slam, conditions not conducive to highway driving.

So, I curled up in the back seat, used my sport jacket from work as a blankey and slept in the parking lot of ES Jungle Church.

It seemed like a very safe parking lot. Especially for a jungle.

Just for perspective: I'm 40 years old and I got drunk on 3 glasses of wine and slept in the parking lot of a church and I have work the next day.

I woke up 90 minutes later, freezing my arse off, car covered with snow.

Then, I drove home in the snow just in time to go to bed at 3:30am.

I have a headache.

So, let's review.

Don't slam wine
Don't go to ES Jungle if you expect to drink casually while your band plays
Sleeping in a car in February is cold.

Bye.

Huge Bouncy Breasts

2009-02-16T09:42:00.000-08:00

Actually, that title has nothing to do with what I'm writing about. I was just using it to get your attention.

Back in December, I bought the Fender starter kit and now me and my new P-bass are buddies. We've been jamming by ear to CD's in the basement together.

Ain't she purdy?

Like all dedicated musicians, I have been practicing at least 7 minutes every other day and now, I can play a grand total of four songs.

Three of the four songs, I play quite shittily, making all sorts of buzzy sounds and missing notes. But one, I can play goodly.

Thank God for Social Distortion. Social Distortion is everything I don't embrace in a band, which primarily is popularity and coolness. I don't prefer my rock stars to be tattooed, gel-headed, leather jacket wearing, herpes carrying, narcissistic renegade rebels of rock. I wanna start a band of guys wearing lab coats. But, these guys made a song I can play virtually during my sleep. This droning, shallow, generic stuff can come in quite handy. When I need a good confidence booster, I crank Highway 101 and we have a good old, self-esteem building session. My kids like it. And, now that I can play it, I might as well come out of the closet and say that I like it too. This song is kind of like a family member now. Maybe you wouldn't be friends under ordinary circumstances, but you have to love it because it's part of your life.

I'm discovering that some of the music I like has very complicated bass lines. I'll listen to a song and say to myself...

"I can play that!"

which turns into...

"Oh, that part will be tricky."

and becomes...

"No way in hell can I do that. Oh well..."

Wednesday night, I think I'll go see The Toasters. After all, somebody's got to. The bass lines in that stuff are very intricate and that's what makes The Toasters tasty sort of ear-candy. I'll go up front to watch one of my favorite bassists. Except, he won't be there. He left the band because he had a baby. Well, he didn't have the baby, his wife did. Or, maybe it was his girlfriend. I dunno. But, I'm gonna watch a bass player after trying to be a bass player, and that should be a new experience.

So, what I'm trying to say is...

I don't know what I am really trying to say. I kinda lost it.

Thanks for reading, though.

Enjoy Love Responsibly

2009-02-12T13:28:00.000-08:00

With Valentine's Day approaching fast, I would like to share some of the hot, juicy, romantic details of my love life.

But, I won't.

See how that works?

I work at a college. I see lovers all the time. The lounge outside my office is a virtual heavy petting zoo. This quarter, I am blessed with two students in my lab section who are constantly whispering to each other and pawing at each other under the table and not paying attention to anything but their personal love universe while I'm telling them about what they should do if they spill acid on themselves.

Hmmm.....maybe there is justice in this world...

People experiencing intense feeling of romantic love (which at any point in time, encompasses about 0.8 % of the human population) have been bestowed with one of life's great experiences. There is nothing quite like that feeling that overcomes your mind and causes another person to seem so perfect, despite the fact that she has a third nipple and her uncle axe-murdered that store clerk. And, you're lucky enough that she feels likewise despite the fact that you pooed yourself on that day-hike in the park? This kind of love is a tasty, intense, experience. Yes, a tasty, intense temporary experience. And, I think, for the sake of the other 99.2%, we should try to enjoy this experience with some degree of sobriety and modesty.

Why?

Well, if you have to ask, it's probably because you are part of that 0.8% and your naughty bits are feeling quite tingly and enjoying nice blood flow. But, the blood flow is starving the part of your brain that causes you to feel empathy for the others around you. Others who might be lonely. Others who have not found that special person yet. Others who are no longer in the mind-blowing phase of the relationship where it seems their partner farts rose petals. Others who are trying to get some work done while you and your soul mate fornicate on the couch in the student lounge.

That's okay Romeo. Loss of empathy is one of the side-effects of the drug you're on.

But, maybe you could just tone it down a bit?

Now, in the age of Facebook and MySpace, we have PDDA's.

Public Digital Displays of Affection...

The wall posts and status updates. Where each person publicly proclaims their love to each other so the world can see. How romantic.

* gag *

It makes one wonder...

If you are completely secure with your self and your relationship, wouldn't you be a bit more self-contained? Why the need to broadcast?

The other 99.2% already knows you're lucky. And, hopes you should enjoy this phase.

But...

I think it's most respectful to others, your partner and your self if you enjoy it quietly, to yourselves.

And, don't operate heavy machinery.

At least for another two years.

Happy Valentine's Day.

To 100% of you all.

How Ohio Telefile Could Finally Raise That $1 for the Ohio Political Party

2009-02-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

* gentle, sexy female computer automated voice *

"Welcome to Ohio TeleFile! Please press 1 if you've been a good boy. Press 2 if you've been a naughty boy"

* 2 *

"Oh my! You pressed 2 and have been a naughty boy. You must now submit to Queen Aphrodite, your computerized secret call girl. Press 1 to submit and continue..."

* 1 *

"You must now slide $1 for the Ohio Political Party between the strap of my lace thong panties and my bare hip. Press 1 to donate $1 this way..."

* 1 *

"Would you like to donate another dollar to The Ohio Political Party? Press 1 to slide a dollar underneath the strap of my lacy push-up bra..."

* 1 *

* 1 *

You pressed 1 twice, and donated two dollars, you frisky, frisky boy! Would you like to see where else can put a dollar for The Ohio Political Party?

* 1 *

* 1 *

* 1 *

* 1 *

* 1 * ...

Hey, I'm not quite sure, but...

2009-02-08T17:16:00.000-08:00

...I may have just finished a MGD 64.

It could have been a dream, though...

...a dream where someone soaked a rag in real beer and lightly touched it to my lips.

So, I'll get back to you on that.

Bye.

University of Buffalo Athletics Has Reached Another Level!

2009-02-07T11:38:00.000-08:00

The University of Buffalo football team won it's first MAC title in 2008 and was subsequently invited to The International Bowl, the first college bowl game it ever attended.

The basketball team is currently 16-5 and sitting first place in the MAC East.

But that all means nada compared to what I saw Friday:

I was in the library at work wayyyy down here in Dayton, Ohio and a guy walked by wearing a leather black and blue UB jacket. When I saw this, my eyes popped out and I immediately ejaculated the words:

"I went to UB!"

Dude shot me a puzzled look.

"That jacket. I went to the University of Buffalo!"

"Is that what this is?", he asked, and then proceeded to take off his backpack and show me the back of the jacket which had the logo of the UB Bull emblazoned on it.

"Then, what's this?" As he turned around and showed me his back.

"That's the UB Bull!"

"It's not a Buffalo?"

"No, it's a Bull. A blue freaking bull!", I asserted.

"Oh. Someone gave me this jacket."

* Translation: he bought it at Goodwill. *

But, that's cool. No, it's really cool. Because it confirms to me that my alma mater has reached another level of college athletics.

Let me 'splain.

There's the level of athletics where hardly anyone knows your team and you live in total obscurity. UB has finally crawled out of that pit. Now, they enjoying the next quantum level where people wear your shit for a while and then trade it into the Goodwill. Then, other people think it looks cool and wear it even when they don't know what the hell it is.

So, congratulations, University of Buffalo. You finally made it to the level where people wear your shit and don't know what the hell it is.

Next stop, people wearing your stuff because it's cool, and then swear it's their favorite team. But, they like the team just because the stuff looks pretty and they don't really know jack about the heritage of the team itself.

That's where the North Carolina Tarheels got started. And, look where they are now.

Go UB.

I would have offered to buy dude's jacket off him. But, he was a little stinky.

Oh My Gawd, it's Credit Fraud!

2009-02-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my wife called me and asked if I made a $3,900 purchase on my credit card.

"Did you buy a bike or something?", she asked.

* mental note: wife didn't seem too upset when she thought I bought a bike 3 times more expensive than my finest road weapon *

"Ummm...NO!"

"Then you better call this number and talk to the credit card people, someone is using our credit card!"

"Gulp!", I gulped.

So, I called the credit card company. They have special people assigned to monitoring your purchasing activity. They work at a desk with a computer which has a monitor with a rotating police light and siren on top. I don't know what their official title is, but I think it would be neat if these people were called Cardian Angels. When strangers steal your credit card numbers and pull all sorts dishonest shenanigans, this triggers alerts in their supercomputer and makes the computer siren sound off and the lights spin around and light up. The Cardian Angel immediately suspends your credit card account and calls you on the phone. This process works great every time I cross state lines and try to buy gasoline.

Yesterday, my Cardian Angel, who's name is Klefkskiptuma, or something that sounds like that called me and informed me that someone made a bunch of purchases, including several $500 purchases and finally a big, whopping $3,900 purchase, which was finally shot down.

This could only mean one thing; someone fun stole Mick's credit card.

So, they closed my account and the nice credit card company is sending me shiny new cards with new numbers that won't be stolen for a few months.

And, that's the end of the story.

Oh, wait, no it isn't, because Mick doesn't just let sleeping dogs lie. When things like this happen, Mick becomes Agent Mick and launches a personal crusade to find the nasty number thief.

Agent Mick distinctly remembers one of merchants was Ritz Camera, the makers of the only disposable and edible camera, made from party crackers.

Agent Mick called Ritz camera and asked about the order that was placed yesterday. He wanted to know the delivery address for the almost $500 of merch that was ordered so he could report it to the police. The nice man at Ritz camera told him he couldn't tell him the delivery address, but could tell him the order number, so he could give that to the police.

This left Agent Mick wondering which police station he would call if he didn't know the delivery address, as well as wondering why he switched into telling this story in third person.

So, after some more badgering he found out the city was Central Islip, NY.

Which confirms something Agent Mick learned in college; many people from Long Island are a total pain in the ass.

Agent Mick is still hoping to get the full address, so we can all join together and send this person postcards from everywhere, telling him/her to get a real job, contribute positively to society and stop being such a jerk.

Agent Mick signing off for today.

1,847 Deaths Blamed on Winter Storm

2009-02-03T03:47:00.000-08:00

Dayton, Ohio: The storm that dumped a foot of snow on the Midwest a week ago is still claiming lives.

Yesterday, a woman was impaled through the skull with an icicle as it fell from a building.

Three days ago, an elderly couple were shut in and had nothing to eat but peanut butter and died of Salmonella poisoning.

A man died of boredom when he was forced to talk to no one but his family for two whole days.

A pickup truck skidded off the road and smashed into a tree. That hardly ever happens so we'll blame that on the storm as well.

And then, there's snow shoveling.

"Most of the casualties we've been seeing are heart attacks and injuries from shoveling snow", said Dr. Ben Dover, emergency room physician.

But that was a week back. And, it caused a weak back. The snowstorm still continues to claim lives as people trod upon the snow back and forth to plan their Super Bowl parties and pack it down to form slippery ice. The snow also becomes more dense as it thaws and then freezes and then thaws and then freezes and then does everything but freaking vaporize so a guy can get his damn run in.

This was evidenced as a man tried walking on the sidewalk and fell and broke his hip. Another person reportedly drove by to see this and then stopped to rescue him only to fall on the ice and break his collar bone. A woman then stopped to help, but then fell and broke her neck, when all was over, 24 people were stuck there in a big pile of human bodies and subsequently died of hypothermia. People are having a hard time understanding how anyone knows the story to this incident, since everyone died and no one was around to record it, which makes it all sound a bit like the book of Genesis.

One of the dead victims did not comment.

Super Bowl Ramblings

2009-02-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

Hey, did you guys watch the penalty bowl last night?

They should make football players take ballet lessons, so they get both toes in, like Santonio Holmes did.

And how about when Larry Fitzgerald caught that pass and was running for the go-ahead touchdown? And while he was doing so, did you see him check himself out on the big screen? That must be one of the coolest feelings in the world. Watching yourself run for a touchdown, in the super bowl, on the big screen, while you're doing it. Must be kinda like having a mirror on the ceiling in your bedroom except even better. Or, maybe it's not like that all, really, because the whole world is watching you and that might be kind of embarrassing.

Finally, I have established a new tradition. My brother is a complete sports nut. He takes it very seriously. As I get older, I am starting to come to the realization that emotionally investing yourself a lot in sports is not really healthy because you can't control the outcome. My brother has a lot of stress in his life and I am going to try to hammer the point across by calling him at the most inopportune times during big sporting events.

Like last night:

* Kicker's foot has just struck the ball for opening kickoff *

* Phone ringing *

John in Buffalo: "Hello?" * people's voices in the background *

Mick in Dayton: "Hey John, what's up?"

John: "We're having a party and the Super Bowl is on!"

Mick: "Oh Yeah? How's things going? How's life?"

John: "Fine. Why are you talking so weird?"

Mick: "Oh, I'm just calling to check on ya..."

John: "Oh...Well, we're having a party here, so..."

Next call will be the moment the green flag drops at the Daytona 500.

Create Your Own Microbiological Educational Drama

2009-01-30T12:51:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the fine folks at Educational Innovations, you can educate your students or offspring about microorganisms with life-like plush germ toys.

You can create a story and play it out for the kiddies like a puppet show.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Giardia.

She went on tour, with the band Anthrax, living on nothing but peanut butter, where she met an Italian guy named Sal...Sal was a worldy man, who had been around a lot. When she and Salvatore consummated a physical relationship, Giardia was introduced to a couple of new friends Phillis and Gon...

But, these new friends were bad for her and caused her much pain and suffering. Luckilly, Ben Icillin came to the rescue.

Ben exterminated their asses and there was no way they were ever gonnarrheappear. Sal and Giardia eventually went their own separate ways. But, she rebounded and got married to a guy who seemed like a keeper.

They had a family...

and lived happily ever after...

Until one day, Giardia, gave her husband a special present from back in her younger days...

A present, she didn't even realize she had.

THE END

A Good Resume

2009-01-26T07:41:00.000-08:00

Who needs a good resume? It's just a piece of paper.

Oh yeah?

What happens in this tough labor market, if your resume really sucks? As a first-level manager of almost 8 years, I cannot stress enough the importance of a good resume. And, so I thought I would take some time to share what goes into a good resume.

Young professionals, a resume is more than a just a simple piece of paper. It's a two-dimensional extension of your entire existence. It represents your past, present and future. It is a symbol of all you can or ever will be. A beacon of what's forthcoming from you as you pour your being into your new identity and self. It is the liberation of your soul from dark into light.

But, what happens if your resume is not acceptable? You send it to the place of employment and the hiring manager is not impressed. Then, he or she crumples it up into a tight little wad and throws it into the waste paper basket! But, the shot is off and it falls to the floor and then some guy walking by picks it up and slams it into the waste basket really hard like Shaq, pretending it's an offensive rebound, and even further dissing you.

Or, in this day and age of privacy and records retention, they look at your resume and then laugh at it mockingly together while their cigar smoke billows into the air and they shred it into a million pieces in the paper shredder rendering it totally unrecognizable from it's original form. Then maybe, someone in the office has a young cat who was just de-clawed and for a week they were told by the vet to use shredded paper instead of kitty litter so the kitty's sutures don't open back up. So, this person takes home the shredded paper which includes what once was your resume and all week, tiny bits of your resume are being peed and pooped on and then clawed at and mixed up with kitty pee and poop.

If this doesn't motivate you to make sure you have a good resume, nothing will.

So, now, what is the secret to a good resume?

The margins. Make sure you have the margins right. It's all in those margins.

Now go. Use this information and knock 'em dead with that dynamite resume of yours...

...that has awesome margins.

Bye.

You and your 2008 tax return

2009-01-24T10:07:00.001-08:00

Hey, it's tax time!

That means it's time to do the taxes.

OK, bye.

No, just kidding, I have more to say. Like; are you preparing your taxes in such a way that you will maximize your refund?

There are many techniques you can use that will maximize the money you get back from the government. Unfortunately, all of these techniques are completely illegal and totally unethical. But hey, the government, what with their expensive smart-bombs and fancy libraries put us into this financial mess! You deserve to keep a little more of your hard-earned money so you can help stimulate the economy, right? Say yeah. So, by maybe accentuating some of the more refund-friendly aspects of your tax return, you can get a larger refund. It's not lying. Actually, that itself was a lie. It's more like shading some of your information about how much money you made. Okay, that sounded pretty bad, too. Let's just move on to some more specific things, like some places you can make adjustments in your return that will land some cash in your pocket.

Income

The word "income", which stems from the Latin words "incom" and "e", refers to the amount of money that comes in to your home. That's the ambiguity you can capitalize on. Filing "head of household"? Well, what if the day you got your paycheck you went to happy hour and bought a whole bunch of beers for people? That money theoretically wasn't brought home and should not be counted as income. So, when you place the amount on line 7 of your federal 1040 form, make sure you have deducted all the tall cans and ho-ho's you bought at the Quickie Mart before you actually got home.

Dependents

Dependents are people who depend on you. But, don't your goldfish depend on you? I say hell yeah! You feed them, change their water and save them from the cat who keeps wanting to tip their bowl over and eat them. Now that I think of it, the cat is a dependent, too! Claim all of these creatures on your form so you receive the maximum deduction. Got a dependent friend or person at work? Claim him too!

Capital Gains

No use even talking about these. No one has any this year. Next item.

Charitable Donations

Congratulations, you philanthropic bastard, on your donating $28,000 to charitable organizations last year! Chances are, when you claim this large a donation, you will be audited. No worries, here's what you do:

Donate the minimum amount to an organization that will get you the free gift. Then, keep the gift. When you are (inevitably) audited by the IRS, make a statement about how magnanimous you are by wearing your Audubon Society hat and your PBS Telletubbies sweatshirt. Bring your United Way golf umbrella, even if it's sunny or snowing outside. Don't forget your Catholic Charities jock strap. The auditor won't see it, but you'll have the confidence of knowing it is supporting you through the process.

Another tip: if you only made $22,000 last year at your job, don't claim you gave $28,000 to charity. Go for something more believable, like $18,000.

Summary

True, part of the $19,842 tax refund you'll be due won't be legitimate. But, who can use the money more wisely? You, or the government? The answer is you, of course! $19,842 will buy a lot of ShamWows. So, you had better get cracking...

Five Observations and Questions Regarding the New Administration

2009-01-22T03:15:00.000-08:00

1) President Obama can get his groove on. During the inauguration festivities, there was a moment where a band was playing and President Obama was shaking his head back and forth like Glen Quagmire on Family Guy. That's great. I think it's therapeutic for everyone to get their groove on. If Nixon had gotten his on, there might not have been the Watergate scandal, had Bush gotten his groove on we might have been more relaxed and patient and waited for UN approval in Iraq and if Bill Clinton had gotten his groove on... Never mind, Bill Clinton did get his groove on.

2) I'm sorry, but Michelle Obama is a FLILF. Yow!

3) Joe Biden needs a hair intervention.

4) Where is the smoking section of the White House?

5) I am glad President Obama is active and plays hoops. But I wish we had a president who could dunk. Imagine if on the evening news they showed Barack Obama driving the lane, taking off from the foul line, stuffing it home with two hands, hanging on the rim for a bit and screaming "AHHHHHHHH!" Tell me that wouldn't send a message to al-Qeada!

More Pro Football Teams Contemplating Bird Nicknames

2009-01-19T08:40:00.000-08:00

When 4 of the 5 NFL teams with bird nicknames made the playoffs, teams owners took notice.

The Baltimore Ravens held tough, but could not quite come through in making 2009 the year of the first "all bird" Super Bowl featuring them vs. the Arizona Cardinals.

But next season will bring change. In light of US Airways flight 1549 over New York City, in which a few geese brought down a large jet, the New York Jets are giving serious consideration toward renaming themselves.

"As The Jets, we laid an egg and missed the playoffs this year. Geese certainly demonstrated their prowess last week when they brought down that jet. That seems like a potential switch to me." Said Al B. Tross, Director of Mascot Operations for the New York Jets.

Lynn Swann was not available for comment.

Altering Business Marquis Signs for Fun & Profit & More Fun

2009-01-18T08:31:00.000-08:00

Craving a little excitement? Looking to make a statement that will shake up your local community? Then, altering the letters on business marquis signs to say silly things might be just for you!

Personally, I have decided to retire from the sport. Yes, I said sport. I guess when I turned 40, I came to the realization that life requires more responsibility and maturity of people my age. And that means my friends no longer want to accompany me on these missions because they are totally lame now, offering me excuses like "I don't want to be arrested". Pfeh...

As a 20 year veteran of marquis sign letter art, I possess a wealth of experience and knowledge of best practices. I'm looking to pass the torch to you, the young-at-heart whipper snapper who needs to express him or herself.

But, whoa there, Eager McBeaver! First, you'll need some training. And you'll need to promise to adhere to the letter changer's guidelines and honor code (LCGAHC) which follows:

1) Resulting messages should have some relevance or context

Anyone can be flat-out vulgar. Some of my early works were and consequently, shall not be mentioned in this blog. For example, that bank sign stating "come in for free mortgage analysis, CPA broker on duty" could be changed around to read all sorts of vulgar words, including the F-bomb. But, the master sign changer will fore go the F-bomb in favor of something that is not only silly, but a funny reflection of the business outside where the sign rests...

Like "come in for a free anal probe", "Anal" is an actual medical term. This was one of my finest works. It is a clear indictment of the mortgage approval process.

Or Kil Kare speedway, home of the Friday night drag races I can hear from my house miles away...

Yeah! In case you've ever been there, it's probably also true. Notice the slight imperfection in spelling, which brings about the next guideline...

2) Misspellings or Misuse of letters are only allowable when there are not enough letters to allow adherence to guideline #1.

You might need to take some liberties with some letters. For example, above, we all know "skid marks" is not spelled "scidd", but there were no more K's available. So, sometimes things have to be misspelled and make sense phonetically. Someone once suggested I should bring my own letters. Well, where's the sport in that? Each sign presents it's own unique challenge and you must accept the terms of that challenge. And that, my friends, is beautiful.

Feel free to use that "3" backwards, when you are out of "E's"...

Note, the sexual reference has context, because we're classy.

Finally:

3) Never hit an establishment more than once

4) No breaking or stealing letters

5) Don't run if someone sees you. It only draws attention to you, dumbass.

You now possess the basic tools necessary to perform some fine works of art.

Now go and make me proud.

And please invite me.

Chelsey Sullenberger; hero or goose killer?

2009-01-16T07:33:00.000-08:00

How quick we are to place people up on a pedestal. Yesterday, Chelsey "Sully" Sullenberger flew a big, giant Airbus A320 into a flock of harmless, innocent geese.

Yet, all we can seem to do is praise him for how he steered the plane into the Hudson river, performing a fairly routine water landing. While passengers of the flight promptly forgot that their seat may also be used as a floatation device, the plane itself slammed into the Hudson River. This might have very well stunned or even killed several fish if it weren't for the fact that it was the Hudson river, where fish cannot survive.

This makes me think; when I ride my bike to work, I manage to steer clear of geese and respect their need for space. I gleefully ride through their poo and even respond to their aggression by hissing back. But, in our jet-set, fast-paced lifestyle we ignore the needs of birds and geese and it's up to honkeys like me to cry for air space reform.

Every year, there are approximately 4,000 documented cases of planes striking birds. Yet, is the focus of our attention centered around the birds themselves? Noooooo! We are too fixated on human lives and preserving the functionality of our big shiny, expensive airplanes. When plane/bird encounters (PBE's) do occur, the burned and shredded remains of the innocent birds are whisked away, sans memorial service to the Smithsonian Feather Identification Lab where they are studied so that we might find out how we can avoid messing up our shiny expensive airplanes in the future.

The time for action is now. There must be a comprehensive, concerted government sponsored effort to provide a safe haven for birds who live adjacent to airports. We all know birds lived in the Hudson river area prior to the arrival of Laguardia Airport. We owe them a reservation of airspace, where they can recreate, chirp, lay and hatch eggs. Perhaps we should institute a allotment of time similar to adult swim at the local pool where they can fly wherever they want. Whatever. But it needs to be done now before more of these tragedies occur.

Don't you think that would be tweet?

Unfortunately, these right wing people wouldn't understand.

No geese or fish were harmed in the creation of this blog.

Billy Mays is the devil

2009-01-13T09:41:00.000-08:00

I despise slick marketing when it is borderline dishonest.

Have you seen the new TV ad for the new BMW clean diesel vehicles? Say yes. The ad brags about how you can drive 580 miles on a tank of diesel, while most gasoline vehicles have a range of only 400 miles or less. I find this intriguing. I live 560 miles away from where I grew up. That means I could drive home without filling my tank. That would sound enticing, until I reminded myself of the potential for blood clots and hemmorhoids...

The Germans also seem to be forgetting we Yanks are in an economic crisis. AHHHHHH! So, would they think we would ignore the fact that here in states, gasoline is $1.70 per gallon and diesel is about $2.50 per gallon? Apparently they do, the crazy dumpkofs!

As consumers, we don't get much credit. Maybe we deserve this. Go find someone who drives a BMW and ask them what a muffler costs.

This is an example of slick marketing. Which basically emphasizes the strong point of a product. I prefer this to dishonest marketing. Case in point, Billy Mays...

Billy Mays

Don't get my Dad or I started on Billy Mays. We both think he is Satan. He's the loud, kinda cute bearded guy who pitches Oxi Clean, Magic Putty and Mighty Mendit. Sometimes being loud is more credible. Imagine me reading this blog through a megaphone. Wouldn't it be more credible? He also uses camera trickery and fancy graphics to make his products appear functional.

Maybe you've seen this ad for Mighty Mendit? Watch the computer animation where is shows how this magic substance causes the microscopic fibers to match up and actually replicate it's DNA to bond to each other where they tore as if it was animal flesh healing. Oh, and check out the wind tunnel, where someone is obviously holding his back side, so he can lean in to make the wind appear strong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_5UinfmC38

ShamWow

ShamWow is an innovative piece of synthetic fabric that absorbs liquids twenty times it's weight. Which, by the way, is pretty much what paper towels do. If you watch the TV ad, you'll notice the tricky film editing where a skinny headset-wearing dude with a New Jersey accent switches out the piece of carpet that he just spilled cola on. Magically, all the liquid is absorbed and it no longer has even a stain on it. He says "you're gonna pay $20 a month on paper towels anyway!" Really? I have a cat whos favorite hobby is tipping over half-filled glasses of water and fish bowls and I have not yet had to allocate $20 per month in paper towel funding. That's like $240 a year on paper towels. Let's all go to the grocery store right now and try to spend $20 on paper towels. We would totally mess up their inventory.

Finally, you can get sheets of the stuff that ShamWow is made from at the dollar store.

So, I think ShamWow is a sham. Wow!

Let that soak in...

How to make argumentative people shut the hell up.

2009-01-12T20:40:00.001-08:00

Like to argue? If yes, then, please don't read this. There's lots of people like me who don't particularly enjoy it and you'll just learn our new tactics designed to help us deal with you people.

I guess I'm the consummate Libra, because I find people very...draining. Sometimes, I feel as if I have "push your opinions on me" stamped on my forehead or something...

Well, I'm going to push an opinion on you. Arguing most points doesn't change anyone's stance on anything. People are way too closed-minded and stubborn to allow someone else to change their outlook. It just wastes energy.

I know what you're asking..."How do I win arguments versus these opinionated people and make them go away?"

And, there's the rub. You can't. You see, as a child they were beaten regularly with a garden hose. Now, they need to smack you down verbally in order to regain some of their self esteem. These folks need to win arguments. Ergo, they have gotten quite skilled at them. So, you shouldn't try playing along. Do your best to arrive at a stale mate. This will make them recognize they aren't going to win or lose, they will give up and you can go on with the next 30 minutes of your life.

Here's some great techniques you can try, listed by type of argumentalist.

Atheists

Ironically, some atheists have a holier-than-thou attitude. They do not believe in a God, The Holy Spirit or Ceiling Cat. Some feel especially repressed by religion. This is really a carefully articulated reflex that results from when they were beaten by Nuns in Catholic school. So, don't ever argue religion with them, especially if you're religious. They are highly skilled at poking holes in that stuff. Instead, attack quickly and directly by asking "Then how'd all this stuff get here? Something must have put it all here!" They will quickly counter by claiming there is no proof of a God. Fine. You can't prove there is a God and they can't prove there isn't one. So, you have now achieved a stale mate and you and your atheist friend can move on to other subjects you both agree upon, like what a dufus Mel Gibson is.

Evangelists

Unlike atheists, these folks will knock on your door and try to convince you of their beliefs. Do not try and argue. Just tell them for every minute you spend talking to them, you will spend and equivalent amount of time worshiping Satan. They will go away in a hurry because they believe they will eventually be judged on how many souls they saved in this life.

The Political Commentator

In this wonderful age of cable TV news, CNN and the FOX network, we have spawned a new breed of human, ones with tiny strings in the back of their neck which may be pulled and through a tiny speaker in their mouths spout the exact sentence Bill O'Reilly, Phil Donahue or Neal Boortz just blurted out as a segue for a commercial ad for investment in gold coins.

Tell them from the get go, politics is a waste of time and nothing they say will make the world arrive at a consensus. Then, walk, no...run far away. They will chase you. As they do, throw a dollar at them. They will stop and pick it up, allowing you to get away while they either invest it or give it to the government.

Sports Dude

Do not challenge Sports Dude's knowledge of every statistic in every sport. He has committed a full 88% of his gray matter to sports, allowing only 12% remaining which is used to tell his body to swim toward light, like a paramecium. While you're downing beers at the sports bar and you sense him beginning to flaunt his knowledge, send him a curve ball (har har har!) by dropping some fictional obscure name. This will confuse him and he'll back way off.

"Yeah, sure Roberto Clemente may have had a batting average of .353 in 1960. But in 1885, Peno Piqeno of the Cuban Giants batted .669!"

He'll run home immediately to look it up in his sports almanac. Now, you can drink the rest of his beer and enjoy the solitude of not having that argument about artificial turf you were going to have in 45 seconds.

Summary

Arguing is wasteful and draining. You can't disagree. Well, you can actually. But if you do, we now have an action plan, so to speak. I don't know who "we" is. I guess I really mean me and anyone who agrees with what I just wrote, which I hope you do. Otherwise, well...you know...

I SAID GOOD DAY! Part Doh!

2009-01-09T09:26:00.000-08:00

A continuation of previous post (below)

Random Person: So how was basketball

Random Person: Practice at 6 in the morning! That's gotta suck!

Me: I fouled g-man while he was shooting a 3-pointer and coach got mad & made me do sprints and then he grabbed my package.

Random Person: Who is g-man?

Me: Quit playin' , you know who g-money is!

Random Person: You had to run sprints at 6 in the morning? I bet that had to suck!

Me: Yeah and then coach jumped in the shower with me.

Random Person: Oh wow...I bet that was fun lol.

Me: Actually, I kinda liked it. Maybe next time we'll use separate showers tho.

Random Person: You liked being in the shower with the coach?

Me: Yeah, I'm exploring a new side of my self.

Random Person: And what side is that?

Random Person: That blue jacket is cute today.

Me: Thanks. I shoplifted it.

Random Person: Nice lol

Me: Mall cop chased me but I juked him. Next time you see me with it, come touch it. It's nice!

Random Person: I can't do that...you will know who I am then lol

Me: This isn't Gertrude?

Random Person: Lol no

Me: Well, I can't just text back and forth with someone I don't know. Good day then.

Random Person: What's your new side that your exploring?

Random Person: You want to know who it is?

Me: I SAID GOOD DAY!

I SAID GOOD DAY!

2009-01-09T04:05:00.000-08:00

I have Virgin Mobile "pay as you go" cell phone service.

For a while, I have had a sneaking suspicion that there's some shenanigans going on because I get weird text messages from people I don't know.

For this latest round of random texts, I thought I'd use my friend's technique of abruptly ending a conversation. He's a pharmacist, and when people come in to refill their Xanax way too early, he just tells them "Good day" and when they begin to argue further "But, wait, I..." he replies firmly in Willy Wonka/Fez from the 70's show form "I SAID GOOD DAY!"

Random Person: Hey

Random Person: Hey torri

Random Person: Hello?

Random Persistant Person: Why don't you text your stalker back?

Me: Gulp!

Random Person: Yeah... You didn't know you had a stalker?

Me: I gotta say no.

Random Person: Well, now you do. :)

Me: Look, I'm sure you're a nice stalker. But, I really enjoy the solitude of not having one. And besides, I'm not that great. Sorry.

Random Person: Well, your mom said it was ok for me to be it. :) and don't be all depressed like your not all great and stuff lol.

Me: I'm sorry, nice stalker. I have to go now. Good day to you.

Random Person: Why do you have to go? Basketball practice isn't until 7:30?

Me: I SAID GOOD DAY!

I learned how to switch to caps just for that. But, I guess it didn't work. I woke up today to 6 new text messages asking me about basketball practice.

To be continued...

I don't need this distraction!

2009-01-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

My Dad gave me a green laser pointer for Christmas. Nothing that powerful, only 5 mW.

But, Holy Cannoli! The thing is 'da bomb! I'm writing this blog in green, just to show my new found respect.

Green lasers are brighter, in part because our eyes can see green better because it is in the center of the visible spectrum (ROYGBIV).

Secondly, green light has more energy per photon than red light.

Thirdly, green lasers KICK ASS!

* Darth Vader like breathing *

While the salt truck drove by a two minutes ago, I snuck in the guest room where it's all dark and shot a green dot on the road where in front of where he was driving, maybe a few tenths of a mile down the road and he hit his brakes! I almost woke everybody up from cracking up so bad.

Last night, it was misty and because of the humidity, you could see the entire beam! I shot a green dot on a cloud!

Yee har!

I hit the picture window of a house, at the end of the cul de sac and I could see the green dot on an inside wall. Randy, if you are reading this, look outside your window right now. I'm glad I don't know where any one's bedroom is, or I'd be tempted to mess with people while they are trying to sleep.

With more powerful wattage lasers, you can pop dark balloons and even light matches.

Yeeeeahhhhhh!

So, I guess I gotta go.

Bye.

My Dad Built an Octagon Thingy

2009-01-06T10:06:00.000-08:00

My Father, who had a heart attack this summer, is using his second lease on life to the fullest.

Sure, we all dream of building an octagon on the roof of our house. But, do we ever go about it? Hardly ever. Why? Because, we're paying attention to petty stuff like chasing the almighty dollar and struggling to achieve professional advancement. This causes us to miss out on what's really important in life. And, that, my friends, is building wood geometric structures that sit atop our house that constantly measure the temperature.

You heard me right. This isn't one of those garden-variety octagons. This one provides real-time updates of the temperature in the octagon as it magnificently captures the sun's rays with its semi-transparent walls.

Notice the brightly colored orange cone on top. That's what I call craftsmanship.

Wards off low-flying airplanes like nobody's business.

Now, I hear all you naysayers, you're saying "That thing is worthless and depreciates property value".

Well whoa there, eager McBeaver! Why not take some time to ponder all the wonderful things a roof octagon can do? For this eight-sided enigma, the possibilities are infinite. Maybe even more than infinite! For example, there were rumors of cock fights taking place in my hometown. The new roof octagon provides a high altitude venue for UFC-type rooster bouts of male chickeney dominance. The latest temperature reports show a significantly elevated temperature in octagon. My Dad, might just incorporate this into his weight loss routine. He only needs to lose a mere 17 pounds of water weight before he cracks sub-200 pounds for the first time since 9th grade. A rooftop sauna could be just what the doctor ordered.

Truth be told, I don't really know what the octagon does or is. And, that's good enough for me. Because, when Dad finally goes to the great octagon in the sky, I live further away from my Dad's house than my brothers do.

And, when the time comes to finally dismantle it, I know they will beat me to the punch.

2009 International Bowl

2009-01-04T21:30:00.001-08:00

The Unofficial Rules of Cover Songs

2008-12-27T12:53:00.000-08:00

I'm kinda mad at my seventh favorite band. Yeah, I said seventh favorite band. I rank my bands. I could do it off the top of my head right now. You got a problem with that? Being in touch with my inner feelings for a band helps me decide how far I am willing to drive to see them. So, I keep a mental file which we shall call the personal band ranking (PBR).

I may have OCD.

Coincidentally, PBR is also what the kids drink at the clubs where the bands play (Pabst Blue Ribbon).

For example, said band is a ska/punk band named Reel Big Fish. Nothing to do with Squeek the Fish. A couple of years ago, I drove almost 4 hours, to Pittsburgh to see them. Back then, they were my third favorite band.

Why the drop in their Personal Band Ranking? Well, for one, they are quite vulgar. Holy shit, are they vulgar as hell. But what really did it to me? They violated one of the unofficial rules of cover songs.

I know it's tough creativity-wise for artists to come up with new material. But, I'm sorry, I hate when a band plays another song originally created by another band. It's kind of like being a vulture, except for the eating the raw road kill and the flying away when a car drives by and the weird bald head thing. With the exception of those things, it's just like being a vulture because one band is pilfering the creativity that another band killed when it struck it with its pickup truck. I wish there were no such thing as a cover song, but there is. So, now I'll wish that bands would follow some basic guidelines. You know what's coming next, don't you? Yeah, it's the guidelines all right:

One cover song per album, please

My favorite album by Rage Against The Machine was Renegades. Ear candy. Know why? It's all cover songs. So, making a product better gets you less style points than making it good the first time around. Ask the drug companies. That's why they have patents that last 17 years. I got a chubby when I heard Reel Big Fish was coming out with a new album January 20th. Ya know what? The album, which can be sampled by clicking here, ha, fooled ya, by clicking here, is nothing but covers. Poo on that! Bands should be limited to one cover song per album. Especially in the ska genre, where it's exceedingly cute and popular to cover old 80's songs. Case in point, RBF's new album features songs originally by Tom Petty, The Eagles and Quiet Riot, which leads to the next rule.

Don't cover songs that were monumentally cool or silly as hell

I'm sorry, I consider Quiet Riot's Mama We're All Crazy Now to be one of those songs that should be granted immunity from being covered, because it was just that cool. Still is, 20+ years later. Conversely, if Fall Out Boy wasn't silly to begin with, they are even sillier for covering Michael Jackson's Beat It. I need to stop there because I am getting emotional. Even The King of Pop gets immunity, that's all I'm sayin'...

Cover songs are less stupid when they cross musical genres

Okay, Beat It aside, it's somewhat intriguing when a band totally different than the original covers a song. Save Ferris' rendition of Come on Eileen is rather cool because the of the presence of the horns that were absent in the original version. But come on, Faith No More covering black Sabbath's War Pigs? What the big whoop? Both are heavy metal bands with a nutsack for a vocalist. Just seems like history repeating itself, which personally, I've had enough of.

Reel Big Fish is coming to a club in Cincinnati of January 15th. I am thinking about personally boycotting the show. So, I am probably not going. And if I do go, which I probably will, I won't enjoy myself as much as I would normally would because they violated these rules of cover songs. And that's very unfortunate because I am SO THERE.

Finis

2008-12-25T20:46:00.001-08:00

I can't just sit here and not express my gratitude...

Now hopefully, moving on to a poo-unrelated subject.

Sqeek the Fish is OK

2008-12-25T06:18:00.000-08:00

I received good news from the fine folks at Tetra. Squeek is going to be just fine.

This is the best Christmas EVER!

I never thought an email containing the word "mucousy" would make me so happy.

Squeek The Fish Has an Intestinal Problem

2008-12-22T06:46:00.000-08:00

In the last episode of Mick's Domestic Animal Kingdom, Mick rescued the two family fish from certain death when the cat tipped their bowl over.

The cat has since been castrated and things now seem to be going quite smoothly, except when he poops on the couch in protest.

Goldie, the goldfish has recovered completely. But, Squeek, the Black Moor has since encountered problems controlling his bowels. I thought this to be a one-time effect after his Near Fishy Death Experience (NFDE), but it seems the problem is here to stay...

Geez.

I wanna reach in there and yank it off of him. But, I'm afraid I might pull out his large intestine. I especially feel bad for him because fish supposedly have a three second memory, which means he thinks "Oh man, I have a huge string of poo hanging off me!" and then he forgets about and then thinks "Oh, man, I have a huge string of poo hanging off me!" and then he forgets about it...

Whelp, you can't tell from the photo, but some of his fully four inches of fishy-poo is colored white, which for my European friends, means "coloured white".

This begs the question; "What about Squeek's diet causes him to have some brown colored poo and some white colored poo? He eats the same damn thing every day. No?

Here at The Aquademic Institute of Fish Poo Studies, we ask the tough questions about fish poo and we courageously seek answers to those questions using a protocol we like to call Fish Poo Follow-Through.

So, we contacted the manufacturer of Squeek's fish food, Tetra via their online feedback.

We submitted the question: "My Black Moor (Squeek) has HUGE dangling fish poo, like 4 inches. Wow! Why is some white? It seems that would uncomfortable for him, wouldn't it?"

They didn't answer. But, we at the Aquademic Institute don't give up that easy. So, we emailed them again, posing a more legit-sounding question:

"Hi, I sent you an email about my Black Moor's white and voluminous poop. I'm wondering if it's the food. I am worried it is making him sick and I need to switch to another brand. Thanks, Mike."

And we anxiously await their reply.

I'll see your drunk fan and raise you a QB!

2008-12-20T07:56:00.000-08:00

Tattletales: NFL teams ask for text messages about rowdy fans

By Chris Chase

Drunk and unruly fans are a huge problem in NFL stadiums. Between the drinking, the cursing, the fights, the cursing, the stumbling and the cursing, NFL games provide as much of a kid-friendly atmosphere as a night out with Plaxico Burress. But now, NFL teams think they have developed a technique to curb boorish, abusive behavior at games: tattling.

At 29 of the NFL's 32 stadiums, fans can now send a text message to report disorderly conduct of nearby fans. The texts are received by stadium security, who address the situation and determine if the offending fan should receive a warning or ejection.

Awesome! I love passive aggression. It's so much easier than aggressive aggression.

But I envision something even better; might we also send them text messages if our team sucks and have them removed?

That'll come in so handy when J.P. Losman throws another interception.

Yeah!

Sagging Economy Forces Workforce Reductions at Santa's Workshop

2008-12-18T17:08:00.000-08:00

North Pole, Dec 18th, 2008

The recession has demonstrated it's far reach this year, claiming among it's latest victims, The North Pole. Factory orders at Santa's Workshop are down 40% from last year, forcing cuts in it's labor force.

"I haven't worked in 3 months!" an undisclosed worker said. "My training is too narrow, and it's not exactly easy to get hired as an elf anywhere but The North Pole."

Other laid-off workers are not very hopeful they can find work with the Easter Bunny. Because, no one knows where he lives.

"We saw this before in the 2001, right after the launch of ISanta.com." said Kris Kringle, Chief Executive Officer. "We'll just ride it out. Until then, we're striving for a leaner Santa's Workshop, one that thrives on Elficiency. Our costs of operation are much higher this year. Reindeer run on fodder, not oil!"

"Elficiency, elficiency, elficiency. That's all we hear about!" an undisclosed worker quipped. "We think we've been treated unfairly and ever since the scandal, there's been a deterioration in regards to how management communicates with the workers."

Santa's Workshop was rocked by scandal last month when Kringle faced charges of verbal assault for allegedly calling someone a "Ho" three times. Charges were eventually dropped.

Meanwhile, the Union members have called for a Dec 24th emergency meeting of The International Brotherhood Guild Organization of December (IBGOOD).

"Christmas will go on!" said Kringle. "Despite the expense, we're going ahead with toys for the good children and clean coal technology for the ones who've been bad."

Rudolph was not available for comment.

Maybe, it would be better if you fired the cable guy...

2008-12-15T19:56:00.000-08:00

Before I say negative things about the cable TV company, which you or a family member might be employed by, I don't want you to feel like you should have to read this or agree with me.

That's Cognitive Therapy in action. Good stuff. I stumbled upon some of Aaron Beck's stuff in the library. It was next to a book that had the word "sex" in the title. One technique from I learned CT was to to avoid the imperatives "should" or "should not". These are classic thinking errors that trap an limit your behavior. The late Albert Ellis thought we would be better off if we banished "should" from our vocabularies and replaced it with "it would be better if...".

As in, it would be better if I started making my point soon.

My point is that we are in a global financial crisis! Ahhhhhhhh! Look outside your window right now! What do you see? Pretty much the same thing you always do. Only, it's not worth as much as it used to be. And, that's bad, for all of us. My previous literary work, "Bake Yo Ass a Chicken" addressed our serious need to cut costs by making your own meals.

If more of us than ever find ourselves in a state of financial turmoil, it would be better if we could all cut some costs here and there. Are we doing this as well as we can? No. How do I know? Because Time Warner Cable company is estimated to make a profit of 1.28 billion dollars in 2008, up from 1.12 billion in 2007. So, for americans, the global economic crisis apparently hasn't hit home hard enough to make us stop watching cable TV and spend our evenings selling our possessions on eBay.

I used to have cable TV back in the 90's. One year, I gave up TV for Lent and disconnected the cable. I've never been back. I have an aerial antenna on the roof of my house. It seems rather geriatric for a guy who is only 40 years of age. But, then again, I liked Old Spice Scented wipes. So, maybe I'm just ahead of my years.

I haven't missed cable TV that often. As a matter of fact, I'm very happy not to have it. I'm saving a lot of money by getting my TV through the electromagnetic waves traversing the air that for the moment, are still free of charge. I don't watch much TV, but what I watch, I am more pleased with.

A couple of years ago, a sales guy from Dish Network came by my house and caught me working in the yard. He knew I wasn't a customer with them, so he asked what cable package I had. Resisting some sort of funny joke like "I'll show you what cable package I have!", I just told him "none". He looked at me, puzzled as if I was plowing through life having some sort of basic need unfulfilled. He asked me "How do you get your TV?" as if it was some sort of heroin fix. I pointed at the aerial antenna. He seemed to have serious pity for me.

I hope this blog finds you in a state of financial bliss. But, if it doesn't, stopping cable service is one of those decisions that is starting to tip the risk/reward ratio in your favor. It costs a lot of money and now there are other alternatives. So, by no means am I saying you "should" cut off your cable. But, for what I view as some valid-ass reasons, it might very well be better if you did...

Cable TV is expensive

How expensive? I don't know! That's how expensive. I have searched the Time Warner Cable web site and find no specific info on pricing. So, I online chatted with a customer service rep and got no real answer except to call back during business hours.

But, I remember what standard cable TV service cost in the 90's. It wasn't cheap, on the order of $50 a month.

Dish Network is only $25 a month for 26 channels. Not much, eh?

But, what if you had to save for a child's college education and decided to funnel all the money you spent on Dish Network into that child's education fund instead?

Yeah, what if you procreated right now (please take a break from reading this if you actually are) and 19 years later that kid needed to go to college? $25 a month would be $300 a year. $300 a year compounded over 19 years at a modest 3% would be $7,745.79! To clarify for my European friends, that's 7,745.79 dollars!

Granted, the kid is going to community college. But, that's a lot of money for a few more channels.

A $50 a month package compounded over 19 years buys a half a year's tuition at Harvard.

DTV ain't bad

I have a digital TV receiver. It has good reception. I have 10 channels including a weather station and four PBS channels! I watched a documentary last night about penguins. Did you know they could slide on their bellies instead of walking? I wouldn't have learned that on ESPN where I'd be watching the Pittsburgh Penguins.

In my opinion, all of the good shows are on network TV. And with my DTV receiver, I have all those channels for the low monthly cost of NOTHIN'!.

Other Alternatives

If you're missing your favorite game, there's always www.channelsurfing.net where you can catch games that aren't televised, even on cable. If you're a non-sports person, you can watch a gazillion pre-recorded shows on Hulu.com.

Supporting Cable is anti-free market

I would like to believe we americans still believe in a free market society. My local cable company has no direct competition. That's what, in so many terms, we call a monopoly. Yes, Time Warner has indirect competition. Apparently, it's not direct enough to rival NOTHIN' per month.

Oops, I need to close soon. I forgot to write out my monthly check for NOTHIN' to the atmosphere, where I get my TV. So, let's just review...

In Summary

* You should never say "should"

* Denying yourself cable TV could fund community college

* Time Warner Cable will still do just fine without you. Making billions.

* There's other stuff out there to help you get your fix

* Viva free market!

Now, you should go enjoy the rest of your day.

Me vs. Me

2008-12-15T05:15:00.000-08:00

2007 miles: 8,877
2008 miles to date: 8,859

If this rain clears up, I'll be able to ride to work and pass my last year self.

On your left, me 2007!

(slacker)

Shit They Don't Make No More

2008-12-12T19:12:00.000-08:00

There sure is a lot of stuff around. Have you noticed all the stuff all over? It's everywhere.

With Christmas approaching, it's hard not to dwell on some of the consumer items that have fallen by the wayside. In some cases, this would a good thing. Like, margarine developed by Lee Iacocca. What's up with that?

But in some cases, it is a bad, bad, horrible nasty thing.

I miss some products. And this makes me sad.

*sigh*

Case in point, what happened to these wonderful things? Read below and then please tell me. In that order, please.

Slime

Remember Slime? Ok, maybe you're too young to remember Slime. Slime was this wonderfully viscous sensation in a can that could provide hours, maybe even days of juvenile, goopy entertainment. You could poke your finger into it and make it disappear while the air slipped out and made a tooty noise. You could take it out of the can, place the big glob of it on your finger tips, hold your hand upright and after about 5 minutes, it would slowly ooze down your hand, coating all of your fingers. OK, now everybody make that kiddie "ooooooooooh" sound. That's the reaction for everything involving Slime. Who knew guar gum could be so much fun? Then, when the whole concept became sort of stale, they came out with Slime with rubber worms in it, Slime with Eyeballs, Slime with Bugs and Masters of The Universe Slime! Yeeaaahhhh!

So, this stuff was awesome. Why did they stop producing it? I am afraid I know the answer to that. Why do they stop making any good toy? Because some dumb ass kid hurt himself with it. The only question I have is...how? Yeah, how did some kid injure himself with guar freaking gum?

I'm sorry, I have to stop there. I'm getting emotional.

Old Spice Scented Wipes

Why did they stop making these? Are there less people with body odor these days? I don't think so. Actually, this must be a classic case of poor marketing because this was a truly superior product. When I ride my bike to work, I must transform myself from a stinky, sweaty latex-wearin' cycle-monkey into a well groomed, musky smelling educational professional in minutes. It's kind of like doing a "reverse Superman". Back in the days when Old Spice made scented wipes, I could wipe myself off with a few of these in my "target stinky zones" and be done. Destinkified and perfumified in one easy step, I would emerge pretty and sweet smelling. Ladies I work with have commented!

Now, I must destinkify myself with baby wipes, which do not make me smell like a man. They make me smell like a toddler who has shat his diapers. Then, I have to spray myself with TAG or AXE or BOD or some sort of three letter spray that comes in a metal can that makes me smell like I'm trying wayyyy to hard.

It's all so wrong now. Damn you, Old Spice!

Shlitz

Actually, this wasn't really very good beer. I just used to like to get it once in a while because of the funny name. And so, I miss it.

Chocolate Cool Whip

What's the best food in the world? Right. Cool Whip. What's the best flavor in the world? Correct again, chocolate. Now what do you get when you combine the light and creamy goodness of Cool Whip with the most wonderful delectible flavor in the world? Chocolate Freakin' Cool Whip!

Now, where the hell do you find it? I don't know. I saw it once and I bought like 5 containers of it. Now, I can't find it anywhere. I would drive up to 50 miles for it. So, where did I go to find out? Where all curious minds go to find out about Cool Whip www.coolwhip.com

Ya know what's a kick in the pants? They still make it. I just can't find it anywhere.

And, what's worse than something you can't have? Knowing someone else has it.

Come back to me, Chocolate Cool Whip.
I miss you.

Tales From The Fish Box

2008-12-09T19:11:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I keep saying "yes". But, here at Mick's Kiddie Zoo, I am now partly responsible for three living creatures; two fish (named Squeek and Goldie) and a cat (Toonces).

Toonces the cat has quite the repertoire of tricks which include but are not limited to:

* Tip over the half full beverage
* Make loud whining noises at 4:30am
* Pounce on me in bed while digging claws into my legs

and now, my all time favorite...jump on the counter and try to eat the fish.

All of these behaviors are firmly disciplined with the Feline Soakerator 2000. It's a specially designed precision apparatus that looks somewhat like a spray bottle. Actually, between us...it's just a spray bottle.

Two days ago. I rescued both fish from certain peril. I'll tell you the story.

Once upon a time, Mick came into the kitchen and noticed there was water all over the floor. He figured he had reverted back to the time in his life when he enjoyed the wonderful freedom of being able to leave cups of water unattended for more than a minute and the kitty had taken advantage of his inattentiveness.
In fact kitty had, but this time, it was the fish bowl kitty had tipped over. It's actually a rectangle, not a bowl, but can we address that later? Or, how about never?

So, Mick looked in the bowl and what did he see? Two motionless fish laying there at the bottom of their home which was now bone dry. Mick's heart sunk immediately. After all, it's a long trip to the department store where he can buy two more fish that look exactly like that. Because Mick is a quick thinker and good in crisis situations, he sensed the fish needed water to live. Quickly, he turned the water on and poured some ambient temperature water into the strange rectangular fish container.

Viola! The fish started to move around! And later on, it was like nothing had happened. It's two days since and they seem just fine.

Mick figured he either had gotten there are the exact right moment to save their fishy lives, or he posessed strange, paranormal fish-healing powers. Well, let me tell you, it's the former. He tried waving his hands over a piece of frozen cod and nothing happened.

Mick was disappointed because he thought fish-healing was going to be his big break in life.

Anyhow, the whole incident disrupted poor Squeek the Fish's plumbing. Like, you when one has surgery or and extended stay in the hospital and things just don't..."move" quite right? That's what happened to Squeek the Fish.

How did Mick know?

Well, look at this honker...

"No wonder Squeeks eyes are bugging out!", Mick said to himself. "Sheesh! Must be hard to swim around dragging that thing behind him."

So, that's the story of how Mick saved his fish from certain death and one of the fish became constipated as a result.

The End.

2008 MAC Championship

2008-12-07T12:26:00.000-08:00

Happy Win Day!

Tom From Math Bakes His Own Cookies

2008-12-06T16:52:00.000-08:00

Friday, Dec 5th, 2008: Dayton, OH

The 2008 Science, Mathematics and Engineering Division's holiday party featured something new this year; oatmeal cookies baked by none other than Tom the math prof.

Tom arrived a bit late, touting a wicker basket topped with a wholesome woven cover which had a plaid design. Immediately upon arrival, Tom offered cookies to those sitting at the tables on the north side of the building.

They were oatmeal. The general consensus was a desire for chocolate chip and some think this has generated some cynicism toward the cookies and their suspected baker.

"His wife probably makes those for him" an undisclosed source reported.

The cookies were generally enjoyed and consumed in their entirety by those at the table. But Tom was spotted carrying some left over cookies out with him toward the parking ramp as he exited work for the day.

At this point, a source very close to the publisher of this article, so close in fact that he is the publisher, was able to approach Tom and inquire about the origin of the baked goods.

"I made them myself!" said Tom proudly, dashing the rumors that he received his assistance from his spouse. "I enjoy experimenting with things at home and now baking is my sort of focus", he elaborated.

Tom's math teaching record is well established. But, he seems to be donning the baking mitts with great enthusiasm.

"I'm Impressed!" said Llana Combs, Administrative Assistant for Chemistry and Geology.

Sources say the cookies were a bit dry but "Not too bad for a math guy".

Tom's wife was not available for comment.

Iceland Struggling to Recover From Bankruptcy

2008-12-03T16:42:00.000-08:00

Reykjavik, Iceland, December 3rd, 2008:

A couple of months ago, The Republic of Iceland shocked the world when it declared bankruptcy.

Things looked quite bleak, to say the least. The country's chief export, whale blubber, was in tight supply because global warming has heated the ocean considerably. This caused whales to grow a much thinner layer of fat below their skin because they didn't need the insulation from the frigid ocean water. Production of whale blubber reached its peak shortly after the release of the film Free Willy.

"We remember those hey days with great fondness." said Nigel McFrigidity, Mayor of the small settlement of Brr. "Now, whale blubber is so scarce, we must find other ways to create income for this great frozen island of a nation."

But, Iceland has shown the ability to innovate. Help is arriving with the increased global demand for natural frozen water (Ice). Unlike ice commercially available in most retail establishments, Iceland frozen water is naturally and organically frozen, not brought below 32 degrees Fahrenheit via use artificial methods.

"Our ice is frozen naturally and never thawed." Said Charles Chillwilly, CEO of Ice, Ice, Baby, Inc.

But skeptics of this sudden ice boom are quite skeptical. And, people from miles around, are miles away.

"It won't last forever. Peak Ice Production is right around the corner and then naturally frozen ice will demand a much higher market price", said Seymour Nips, Professor of Finance at the Nordic Institute of Microeconomdicks. "Before long, global warming will have taken it's toll here as well".

Until then, the people of this country will investigate other ways to generate cold, hard cash.

Walkie Talkie

2008-12-02T07:47:00.000-08:00

Sibling Rivalry

2008-11-28T21:42:00.000-08:00

The Terrorist Event in India...

2008-11-28T07:31:00.000-08:00

...is NOT funny.

I want to be clear about that.

Which sucks, because normally, this photo would be screaming for a funny caption:

At least someone is paying attention...

2008-11-26T11:13:00.000-08:00

The quarter ended today. The last two weeks, my 11am lecture class has been quite verbal and participative. I've been having the students play with molecular model kits composed of plastic balls and sticks. They're like Legos for chemistry students.

Anyhow, I received an email from a student who apparently has been colluding with another student and writing down some of my "quotes" of the past two weeks. Here goes...

Mike,

Listed below are a couple of choice quotes that Justin and I picked up on in the last two weeks. Wish we would have started sooner in the quarter, then we might be publishing a book right now. So, pop open a nice cool Schaefer light, or Natural light if you want to spring the extra couple of cents, and enjoy.

"You usually don't want to put more than four things around a thing."

Mike (pops a balloon) " I feel powerful!"

"Aromatic is a dirty, dirty, burner."

"You can make an ester and another guy can make an ester, then you can sniff each other's esters."

"I ran around looking for balls and sticks, and I couldn't find any real ones."

"The Balls prove it!"

"Oh, I got balls!"

"Except this one is kinky."

"Most woodchucks are very fire savvy."

"An instructor did die once in the middle of the quarter. But it wasn't me."

"Never ignore things that are dangling off anyway."

-Words to live by. Have a great break,

Eric

Stupid Football Announcer Cliches I Hate

2008-11-24T19:12:00.000-08:00

Include the following:

"Burning" a timeout

Timeouts are not flammable. They do not have a carbon chain. They don't have mass or take up space. Timeouts are not matter. They are purely conceptual and this make them decidedly non-flammable. If timeouts were flammable, we wouldn't have an energy crisis in this country, especially in the NBA. So, I repeat, you don't "burn" a timeout. You "call" a timeout or "use" a time out. Thank you.

"He gets stronger as the game goes on!"

With the exception of body odor, nobody gets stronger as the game goes on. Go find me someone who can play a entire 60 minute football game and tell me at the end "Wow, I feel stronger!". What really happens? Everyone gets tired as the game goes on. Some players, particularly the ones on anabolic steroids, get less tired and when compared to the more tired players, they seem stronger. That's what's really going on here.

"Muffing" a punt

For some reason, when punting, if you drop the ball or fail to drop it on your foot, you didn't "botch" the punt or "flub" the punt, you "muffed" the punt. Why do the words "muff" and "punt" always need to go together? I don't know. But, I think I'll quit there because I feel like I'm treading on dangerous territory.

"If he *insert thing player should have done* it would have been a touchdown for sure!"

Hey, Mr. Announcer Guy. You don't know that. Sure, he might have had a lot of open field in front of him and no one chasing him. But, do you know for sure that if the dude caught the ball or picked up the fumble he would have absolutely, undoubtedly and with 100% probability strolled in for a touchdown? I've seen times where guys running for touchdowns give up running and then a speedy little sneaky guy like Don Beebe catches him, pooches the ball out from behind and causes a fumble. Dude could be running down the field and one of Tonya Harding's goons could hop out and whack him with a pipe. How do you always know what's going to happen next in life, Mr. Smarty Pants?! Do you know what word I am going to type next? Bleeble! You would have never guessed I was going to type "Bleeble". So, please allow events in life to unfold as they may. That's why people like sports, because it's different every time.

Okay, that's all.

I feel like I've left it all out on the field and given 110%.

Me don't get it...

2008-11-23T17:39:00.000-08:00

I'm looking at the weather forecast for tomorrow and it says it's going to rain all day.

Okay. But, because I am not very trusting, I looked on the weather map and there's no green stuff showing any precipitation.

Then, I look at the weather map in motion and it shows no green stuff. But this time, the lack of green stuff is in motion!

So, like how's it gonna rain?

Okay, okay, I'm a scientist. I understand precipitation is sometimes a complicated process. And, the atmosphere is a very heterogeneous mixture of gases with temperature fluctuations and pressure systems and there's probably a low pressure system with very moist air that is going to collide with a high pressure system and produce some turbulence with tightly packed isobars.

I understand.

No, wait, actually, I don't understand what the hell I just said.

But just the same, I don't see any green stuff nearby. So, it's not raining all day tomorrow and I'm callin' it.

And, I'm riding my bike to work. I think that's really behind my theory. In psychological terms, it's "wish fulfillment".

So, in closing:

Ain't raining tomorrow as much as they say.

Bye.

A Night With The Aquabats

2008-11-22T08:11:00.000-08:00

My head still pounding, ears still ringing and liver still swollen from the night before with The Toasters, I set out to make a road trip to Cleveland, Ohio and the Agora Ballroom. I was advised that the Agora is not located the friendliest neighborhoods. But, I was willing to flirt with danger to see the ultimate kings of nerd-core, The Aquabats.

I also needed to prove to the world I wasn't Agoraphobic.

The Trek

The trip flowed smoothly, until the last 20 miles. This is region where I am told Canada passes gas on us, which flows over warm Lake Erie producing lake effect snows. The snow was falling hard and fast, like some sort of strong metaphor that requires too much thought from a hung over person. Emboldened by my five years of winter experience in Buffalo, NY and the fact that my car is a total piece of shit, I pressed on.

It was times like this I wish I had fixed my broken windshield wiper fluid motor pump thingy and did not have to resort to a wind blown cycling water bottle squirt done arm dangling out the side window.

When pulling in to the venue, I asked the parking attendant when the storm was supposed to let up. Monday, he replied. That information cut my beer quota in half.

The Show

Harsh weather aside, the Agora was packed. As the third oldest person there, I could appreciate the youthful exuberance and sweatiness of the mob that was soon to be come a swirling pit of humanity. The Bats opened with Fashion Zombies and my mind exploded with excitement and child-like joy.

Quite often, I found myself giggling at the stock video clips that ran on the projection screen behind; scenes from Japanese sumo wrestlers, old Godzilla movies, space films, etc.

After a side skit involving a golden idol and a white buffalo, the plot of which I think was really driven by the purchase of a cheap costume somewhere on tour, the real suprise came about two thirds of the way through the show:

This was the "Hooray for the Holidays" tour. And a mystery guest was soon to arrive...

He was dressed in red and white...

He seemed jolly...

Yes, the Magic Chicken joined the bats on stage, dancing and clucking to the song which is his namesake.

It was beautiful.

The most clever rock & roll "fake ending" ever...

Sadly, we were two songs from the end. The bats said "good night" and left the stage. Naturally, the crowd was chanting "Aquabats" and sticking around for their reappearance. Meanwhile, the projection screen showed film of them high-fiving each other and leaving the outside of the venue. They hopped on horses, firing six shooters in the air.

Suddenly, they stopped riding...

Do you hear that? M.C. Bat Commander announced?

That's just crickets. Jimmy the Robot replied.

No it isn't? That's kids at the show! They want us to come back and play some more songs! We better get back!

And, so they did, riding their horses, it took them 30 seconds or so for them to reappear.

They closed with Captain Hampton and Awesome Forces.

Summary

Critics of the Bats have maligned them for losing their brass and abandoning their ska roots. I am happy to report, that Jimmy The Robot played his sax more than his keys. For some songs, they invited the trumpeter from the warm up band and got their ska on like they did at the turn of the century.

The Aquabats are also a breath of fresh air when choosing obscure music usually means bitchy, f-bomb rock. Their message is nauseatingly positive to the point of sarcasm. You'll be hard pressed to find a cuss word. What's more important, they celebrate all things silly. I appreciate that. There's part of me who wants to forget all the bitching I've heard all day and listen to a song about a martian girl or Powdered Milk Man or what not. As a result, I feel encouraged at times like later that night when I visited the highway rest area traveler's log, signed my name and wrote "I went poopie!" in the comments section. Life is too serious already and The Aquabats provide a respite.

This trip also allowed me to spend some serious quality time with my favorite person. If The Aquabats invade this area again, I will be there.

Perhaps, someone will go with me.

Check it out...

2008-11-20T12:47:00.000-08:00

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/eticket/story?page=buffalo58

Glad to see we've grown up a little since then.

One more reason to root for my alma mater!

24

2008-11-19T17:23:00.001-08:00

The following events will have occurred between 11/20 and 11/21:

8pm-9pm: Finish typing this. Enter cockpit of the Mickmobile. Set GPS coordinates for Covington, Kentucky. Depart CTU (Counter Tediousness Unit) Headquarters.

9pm-10pm: Arrive at Mad Hatter Club. Occupy territory near bar. Conquer responsible number of cocktails using hand to bottle combat.

10pm-11pm: Dispose excess urine stores. Frontal assault on stage area.

11pm-12am: Commence Rocking with The Toasters & Two Tone Army while not letting the bastards grind me down.

12am-1am: Enter Mickmobile. Set GPS coordinates for Beavercreek, Ohio and CTU HQ.

1am-2am: Locate hidden micro chips, destroy with some sour cream and onion dip.

2am-6am: REM cycles 1, 2 and maybe 3

7am-8am: Dress in professional camouflage. Enter Mickmobile. Depart CTU for Fort Sinclair.

8am-9am: Attend briefing of department with Agent Boss Man. Sit in remote location so no one detects drowsiness, alcohol or ringing of the ears.

9am-10am: Search internet for further instructions.

10am-11am: Office Hour, stay vigilant against spontaneous drowsiness.

11am-12 noon: Train future operatives.

12 noon - 1pm: Fuel glycogen stores with long chain polysaccharides.

1pm - 2pm: Travel via Mickmobile to CTU headquarters.

2pm - 4pm: Secret love rendezvous and liver cleansing with mountain bike.

4pm- 5pm: Set GPS coordinates for Agora Ballroom, Cleveland Ohio, depart CTU via Mickmobile

5pm - 6pm: Commence Operation Scratch Myself

6pm-7pm: Rapid caffeine download at Ashland Starbucks

7pm - 8pm: Rapid Mickey's Malt Liquor download in parking structure. Enter Agora Ballroom. Join forces with M.C. Bat Commander and the rest of The Aquabats and commence fighting all evil.

Holy Cow!

2008-11-19T17:13:00.000-08:00

I bought some steaks at Kroger.

Did you know Kroger is "regork" spelled backwards? Who would have thought...

Check it out...These steaks are a product of U.S., Canada, Mexico, Australia and New Zealand.

That is some well-traveled beef.

When I stuck my fork in it, it said "mooo" in three different languages.

Or, maybe I'm making this all up.

If so, my misteak.

Chow.