Goodbye Flat Mushed-up Pillow

I'm heartbroken. I left my favorite pillow at one of the hotels in Alabama or Florida. I wasn't paying much attention to it I guess.

Yes, I bring my own pillow because I sleep on the floor. Long story.

I feel like part of me is gone. I got to know this pillow so well. Over the years I had indentations worked into it in the right places. It was comfortable. We worked together well. We were a team. One time I washed it the wrong way and all the stuffing in it got clumped up, making it very lumpy inside. But, I accepted that and adapted to it. In a strange way, it made us even closer.

But now it's gone. I could probably call down there and see if anyone found it. But, I just know my efforts would be in vain. There's a small chance the hotel might call me and we could be reunited. But, I've been around long enough to know that's not usually how things work out. If I did actually call down there I'd probably encounter something like this:

Hotel: Ring...ring, click..."Hello Y'all, Hotel Alabama, where a confederate flag on your truck earns you a free nights stay. This is Daisy, how may I help you?"

Mick: "Did you find a pillow the other night?"

Hotel: "I don't knowwwww. What does it look liiiiike?"

Mick: "Well, it's white and has a little stain on it. The stuffing in it is kind of lumpy"

Hotel: "Hooooowld on, let me check"

* 15 minutes later *

Hotel: "I have 7 pillows like that"

Mick: "Does one have an imprint in it that looks like the back of a guy's head"

Hotel: "Yeessss"

Mick: "Great! Please send it to me"

Hotel: "How do I fit it in the envelope?"

Mick: "Never mind..." click.

So, I need to accept that it's gone and try to move on.

Last night I was desparate to fill the void. I grabbed a spare pillow out of the closet and slept with it. I regretted that in the morning. The thing was way too thick for me. My head was propped up at too high of an angle and now my neck is sore. I think I was really forcing things my spending the night with another pillow so soon.

The blessing in disguise here is that I discovered that I am not ready for another pillow yet. I'm going to try to sleep without a pillow for a while until I can make an honest assessment of my pillow needs. I've slept without a pillow before and I'll be just fine. I need to actively shop for another pillow. But, I'm not going to run all over town every day and wear myself out. If the right pillow presents itself, I'll know it. I'm very selective and this might take a while. Who knows, maybe I'll never use a pillow again.

Goodbye flat-mushed up pillow. I hope you found someone else who will take care of you. I miss you.

Pissed at Sister

I volunteer at a local assisted living/nursing center. It's a Catholic sponsored facility. I've been going there on the first and third Tuesdays of the month.

On the first Tuesday of the month I visit some relatively disabled folks in the nursing facility. The goal is to just talk and help stem some of the loneliness and boredom they are condemned to. This is a very rewarding experience and I'll blog about these folks some other time.

On the third Tuesday of the month I go to the assisted living center where the people are more independent and in need of some mental stimulation. Here I do a sort of "science show" where I bring science related goodies for show and tell. They call this "Science with Mike" and I've been doing it for about three years all spirit of preventing these people's brains from being caked with plaque.

Welp, as fate would have it, the activity coordinatorship changed hands and it's now being run by one of the nuns. To protect her identity, let's just call her "Sister Witch-Face" for the duration of this blog. Last month, I showed up with butt-loads of stuff (well not literally) from Biology including but not limited to lots of bugs, lizards, frogs and a dog brain. They were all dead and preserved in formaldehyde by the way. When I arrived there was nary three people there. Sister Witch-Face didn't know she was supposed to round everybody up and prod them to go. They don't remember to go on their own. If they remembered stuff like that, they wouldn't need me to come there and try to stimulate them by showing them dog brains and telling them dirty jokes. I felt like some of my efforts were wasted with such small attendance, but I had a great visit with three old ladies and they really admired my dog brain. So, I chalked it up as a rookie mistake by Sister Witch-Face and didn't pay much worry.

Today I visited the other building. Had a great time. After I was finished, I signed out and thought I'd go over to the other building to take a snoop at the activity schedule to make sure the new lady scheduled me on the third Tuesday. I looked at the schedule and when I did, I was more than disappointed to discover that Science With Mike was not on the schedule.

The schedule clearly stated that particular tuesday was "sing-a-long".

Now, if that's not the biggest ass kicking a science educator's ego could ever receive, I don't know what is. To be bumped at a nursing home by a nun playing piano and singing 1940's show tunes. I mean come on..."sing-a-long"? I could understand bingo or hand-bowling, but for fook's sake...sing-a-long?

I heard Sister at her desk around the corner. I almost walked over and paid her a visit from Professor Beelzebub. But instead, I decided to go home, calm down and I'll call her tomorrow.

But until then, sing-a-long with this Sister! You better pray Satan doesn't come and get you!

Rockin' Robin

I went out for a training ride yesterday. About half way through, toodling along at like 20 mph, I saw two red robins on my right side taking flight from a nearby tree. The one bird whizzed right past my eyes and the other one trailing him bonked me right smack in the front of my head. I looked over my left shoulder and saw that he musn't have been hurt too bad. I only diverted his flight path a little bit.

This was one of the weirdest experiences I've had on my bike. I was wearing my helmet and he hit me pretty hard. He felt really squishy like being hit with a flying Big Mac still in the wrapper. When the bird hit me, it made a really loud squeeky noise. It sounded like one of those dog toys. It startled the crap out of me.

So, a couple of hours later, I get home and take my helmet off. I see that I have several feathers sticking out that were lodged in the vents of my helmet.

What's really funny is that I met another guy riding back home and I rode along side of him and had a conversation for 10 or so miles. It occured to me that he was on my right side so he must have seen the feathers. He didn't say anything about them. I bet I looked like a complete tool.

Buffalo Trip Report Abridged Version

7 hour drive. The kids are loud but my *.mp3 player is louder. Saw turtle trying to cross I-71. I hope he made it. For first time ever, gas is cheaper in NY than in OH. My 3 year old niece still thinks I'm a rock star. Yay for cable TV, watched Ultimate Fighting and Giro D'Italia. Drank too much beer, ate 24 chicken wings. 70 mile bike ride. Mom stopped by. Her hair is a very pretty white. Maybe mine will be that color someday. Younger brother #2 has a new Jesus shirt. Rode his motorcyle. Still have my motorcyle license, thinking it should be put to use. Younger brother #1 works too hard & inhales toluene. His Rottwheiler is slowing down. Ready to come back, but not for another 7 hours in that tin can. I hope house is still there.

A user's guide to meetings that don't really matter

I'm making an outline of this blog right now and I'm in a meeting.

I am a lame-duck manager for the next 81 working days. I will be replaced on September 1st. In turn I find myself very unmotivated to attend the various meetings that accompany my current job description. To make things worse, I have always hated meetings. They are such a waste of time. Over the years at these gatherings, I've entered the role playing game of doing the absolute minimum work while convincing those around me that I am an integral and interested member of the group. Case in point, several people have approached me in the halls and said to me "Mike, I'm sorry to hear you're stepping down as chair of the department, I always enjoyed your input at the meetings". Since I will be attending less meetings in the future, I now divulge my secrets for how to make others think you are there when you are truly...not.

Body Language

Did you know that most of your communication occurs non-verbally? For mimes it's a full 100%! I learned about non-verbal cues my first year in college. I remember one night at a bar leaning in to kiss a very attractive girl and receiving a distinct non-verbal cue of disinterest. She chose to use the non-verbal cue of a knee thrust to my nuts. Allow your non-verbal cues to sell your interest in the meeting by doing the following:

* Furrow your eyebrows and stare intently at the wall or some other object. Tilt your head a little to the side. While you are doing this you are actually thinking about the Victoria's Secret catalogue. But it's okay. No one knows this but you.

* Place your pen in your hand in a "ready for action" writing position. Get ready to write "notes".

* Take diligent notes every few minutes. Lean forward and write on a note pad. For example, here are the notes I took at this morning's meeting:

Speak up

Half way through the meeting, wake up and say something. It's not as compelling to agree with the discussion topic at hand. Disagree wholeheartedly with something. Disagreeing with a concept shows that you have familiarized yourself with the concept, weighed the consequences, analyzed them and come to a conclusion. Follow this up with a vague sort of solution that is so ethereal in nature that it's practicality can't be tested. Offering a solution makes you a innovative problem solver and not some sort of perfunctory prick. Talk in management phrases. Talk about the "box". People love the box. "Paradigm Shift" is another goodie. Something good to say might be:

"I think we need to re-examine our thinking on this. We're just thinking in terms of one box and packaging them into another box. We need to eliminate the box make a true paradigm shift in approach."

See? I showed the interest level of disagreeing, but I offered a solution. It's a solution that no one can challenge because it means nothing. That's the perfect kind of solution. It makes all other members feel uncomfortable and insecure. This causes them to change the subject and more importantly, allows you to quickly return to your daydream about that lady from Kettering who got the $300 question wrong on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. How embarrassing for her. She thought "Sir Mixalot" was knighted by the royal family. Sheesh!

Bring believable reading material

Always bring a large binder. Make sure the cover of the binder is labeled with something relevant. Lean back, open the binder and proceed to read your Iron Man comic book.


Used properly, these techniques will disallow the bureaucracy of the establishment to waste your time. Rather, you will have earned to right to waste your own time.

I wish you good luck and Godspeed.

A new challenge

I was looking for a new challenge in my life. I was thinking about RAAM or Ironman But the other day I heard a radio ad and decided upon my next challenge in life.

I'm going to take the Lunesta 7 night challenge

That's a free 7-day trial of the prescription sleep drug Lunesta. It's a bit of a misnomer because the real challenge comes on the 8th day when:

• Someone asks you the question "So, what did you do this week?"
• You try to get to sleep without it
• You try to resist calling your doctor for a refill

Yeaaaahhhhhh! I'm gonna take the challenge so I can pop a pill, lay down in bed and pump my fist in the air! Nanoseconds afterward, my arms will fall limp and my clenched fist will uncurl as I am propelled into an 8 hour coma.

Welcome to the world of EXTREME SLEEPING!

I just got a demotion!

In this competitive world you have to do what you can do to get ahead, develop your career, network, keep yourself moving upward...

Bah! I say that's bunk. I'm proud to say I just recently I asked my boss for a demotion.

And the good news is...he gave it to me.

On August 15, 2001, I became the manager (chair) of an academic department of college science teachers for two quarters. At least, that's how long I was told it would be. A Vice President decided she had spruced up her resume enough to leave for a better job. The dean filled her spot as interim VP and then my chair became the interim dean. He told me he would just be gone for a couple of quarters and that being an interim chair might be good experience. What he never told me was that the interim VP would become the permanent VP and that he would apply for the dean job and become the permanent dean and then everyone would twist my arm and tell me I absolutely had to apply for the chair job on a permanent basis.

And he sure as hell didn't tell me I 'd be gullible enough to do just that. And do it for 5 more years.

Actually, I can't be too hard on myself. I didn't have tenure at the time and it seemed like a fun job. And for a while, it was.

But being a chairperson of an academic department isn't like being an ordinary manager. If I was an ordinary manager of say, a product line where people made "widgets", things would be much more defined. You would be able to see if people were making the widgets correctly and enough of them. And if not, you could call a widget maker over, point out a defective widget and say something like "see how this widget is defective? We've got to get better at limiting these widget defects.".

But we don't make widgets, we make people. Actually, we don't make people, we improve people. Do you know how ambiguous a task that is? First of all, people are more complicated than widgets. They think in all sorts of different ways. They come into our "widget factory" with all sorts of varying potential and all sorts of varying attitudes. The potential ranges from those who have the potential to be the president of the United States (o.k. maybe I should give them more credit than that) to those who really might be better off entering the work force now. Their attitudes range from those who bake you cookies to those who will yell at you because you replaced their widget maker (instructor) with one they don't like because the one they had before suddenly died from lung disease in the middle of the quarter. I can't make this stuff up folks...

What's really a challenge is managing the widget makers. These people are tough to deal with at times. That's because they are the best damn widget makers in the world...and they know it. If they were bad widget makers, they would have to be really really bad widget makers in order to raise any red flags because most of the widgets don't complain when you give them good grades. But some of them do complain about everything else.

Now let's say you had a bad widget maker. Welp, you'd have to document their performance, wait a year and then document it again. It takes more than a year to fire a bad widget maker. If the widget maker has widget making tenure...forget it.

Widget making causes a lot of conflict. A lot of times the widget makers don't play nice with each other. So, the widget maker manager is only a good one if he/she has an open door policy to listen to all the tales about how one widget maker made a mess and another widget maker did something wrong and another widget maker whatever...It's also hard to control widget makers because of the diversity of the widget making job. Try running a department meeting for an hour. It's like herding cats...

Then, and this is the clincher, there's the high level bosses of the widget making institution. And because this blog seems to be dragging on, let me just say...some of them can be major-league poo-poo heads.

I have mixed feelings about stepping down and going back to widget making. On September 15th, I'll look at my paycheck and there will be a few less digits staring back at me. But, I honestly don't give a damn about that. What I'll miss is working in the same way with some of the special members of the widget makers and the widget making support staff.

Fortunately, these same folks are the ones who really know me. And they know that I need a break.

They also know that I'm an ok widget maker myself. And maybe I missed making widgets for the past 6 years.