The Top 10 Things I Learned By Watching The Beijing Summer Olympics

10) If you're not cute enough, someone will be called in to lip synch for you

9) People in China will practice jumping up and down in a dark box for 4 months

8) Synchronized swimming makes we wish I smoked pot

7) While Americans fake their ID to drink alcohol, the Chinese fake their ID for gymnastics

6) If you throw your bronze medal down, that probably means you wanted something better

5) If Michael Phelps hadn't forgotten to trim his fingernails, he'd have a silver medal

4) 200 meters is not a long enough race to keep you from dancing around shoeless afterwards

3) The Bird's Nest provides inadequate rain protection

2) Trampoline should be done naked. That's how the greeks would have wanted it.

and the number one thing I learned watching the Beijing Summer Olympics...

1) Uzbekistan's national anthem freakin' rocks!

Beer + Tools = I'm So Hetero!

So, I had a weak moment this week when I watched the Olympic Gymnastics Champions Gala, and this left me wondering about my failures to prove my manhood.

Well, Rarrrr! Today I rode 80 miles in the heat. I didn't even stop! Well, except when there was this big, scary 3 foot snake on the rail trail and I stopped for a couple of minutes to let him go by. Oh, and when I stopped in South Charleston to fill my water bottle with Faygo Redpop. That's just because it's all the vending machine had. I swear!

I also got stung by a bee right above my left eyebrow where the skin is really sensitive and thin. But, I didn't even barely know it happened when it hurt and stung like crazy...

...because I'm tough!

Then, when I got home, I cracked me a brewski. Yeah. I didn't put any fruit in it or anything. I drank it straight out of the can. Then I drank, like 3 more.

* Uh! I wish I could burp. *

And I started working on my new bike:




Yeah...she's named after a woman. Uh, I mean a chick. Well, I named her Nana 2.0 after my grandma who died this year. She was a big huge influence in my life.

* God, I miss her...sniff *

Uh...anyhow, to save weight on the seat post, I went in the garage and got my angle grinder out. I cut it off short a few inches to save 25 grams. Gzzzzzzzzzzzzt! Gzzzzt! Gzzzzzt! It makes loud noises and throws sparks and shit everywhere. It's very spectacular, uh, I mean...cool.

It's great that I'm using these manly tools to make my bike lighter because people say I have nice climbing form and I seem to float up hills. Uh...I mean, I can totally kick ass on the climbs! So, I'm building this bike with tools and stuff! I got out all the Phillips wrenches and Allen screwdrivers and all sorts of nuts and bolts and...grommets and stuff.

I think I have to scratch my crotch now.

I have no problem building shit and stuff. All I need to do is whip out these technical diagrams and my male, analytical mind is able to interpret it right off the bat.

See?


After a while, I gave up. But, that's because I went and made some meat on the grill. Yeah, I made big-ass hamburgers for dinner. To make them taste nice I like to sprinkle some Mrs. Dash in there and maybe some Parmesan cheese and pepper...

Okay, so, I better "git 'R done" and get back to work with my tools now.

These metal parts are really greasy. How do I get all this grease out from under my fingernails?

At least I'm not worried about my manliness any more.

Rarrr!

Food is a Powerful Motivator

A phone conversation with a part-time instructor named Richard:

Mike: "Richard, I have an unstaffed lecture I was hoping you could take."

Richard: "Oh...gee...I'm not sure. When is it?"

Mike: "It's Tuesday/Thursday 12:30pm to 1:45pm."

Richard: "Did you say Tuesday and Thursday?"

Mike: "Yes."

Richard: "Oh, I'd love to! Tuesday and Thursday is the best Cafeteria day!"

Mike: "Really?"

Richard: "Yeah! They have all sorts of carved meats."

Mike: "Carved meats?"

Richard: "Carved turkey, carved beef, carved ham. It's by far the best day. Friday is the worst day because they just cook a bunch of leftover stuff."

Mike: "Okay, well maybe I should put more Tuesday/Thursday lectures in the schedule and let everyone know it's carved meat day?"

Richard: "Ha ha! Make sure you tell them about the carved turkey. Elby used to come in on Thursday just because of the carved turkey. It's outstanding. The beef is good too."

Mike: "Okay, Richard, the lecture is yours. I hope the cafeteria will still have some carved turkey at 1:45pm."

Richard: "And carved beef."

Mike: "OK, carved beef. Thanks again Richard."

Richard: "Oh, thank you Mick."

I think I need to post the cafeteria menu when I do staffing. What do you guys think?

What motivates people never ceases to amaze me.

Bye.

Okay...

I'm thin. I have a weakness for dress shoes. I like talking to women. Once in a while, I find myself with tears welling up in my eyes when I watch a children's TV show.

These things all put me at risk.

But I swear, I wear spandex and shave my legs because I love the sport of cycling. It's NOT the other way around!

I guess I just wanna get it off my chest that I watched a great deal of the Olympic Gymnastics Champion's Gala tonight. And, this has me further wondering about myself.

Sometimes they also call it a "gymboree".

Oh God.

I think I have to go find some more plumbing to do now...

Or maybe...not.

My house wet itself, part dieu

So, I decided follow the advice of an alert and knowledgable reader and pulled the dishwasher out to take a look:


And then I turned the water on...

...and I noticed the line feeding the washer spraying water all over the place.

Cus, it like, burst.

Bursted?

Whatever it did, it did it while were gone for three weeks, of course.

So, I feel kinda stupid for paying that plumber guy $204 when I coulda done that myself.

I guess I got hosed.

My house wet itself

Hi.

I'm back from vacation.

I need to tell the story of how I came back and there was a huge puddle of dirty water in the basement:

Well, when I came back from NY on vacation, there was this...huge puddle of water in the basement.

So, I called the plumber and asked him to check it out.

His name is Shawn. He charges a lot on the weekend. He looked at the puddle. Then, he looked at stuff directly above it upstairs. He used a flashlight. He also wears a belt, so he didn't have plumber butt.

Then, he told me the dishwasher was toast. Or, maybe it was the other way around. I dunno. What I do know is that we just bought a dishwasher like warranty period + 2 months ago.

Shawn shut the water to the dishwasher off. Then, he charged me $204.

So, now, we have a new dishwasher.

His name is Mike.

Bye.

After I watch the Chinese olympics...

...I just wanna watch 'em again an hour later!