Poor Economy Causing Increased Farmlifting

The Dungkicker Times Weekly, Oct 14th, 2008

Dayton, OH: With a sluggish and panicking economy, farmers are noticing a huge increase in farm thefts, which includes late night milk raids of sleeping cows.

"It used to be folks would just tip the cows over. Now, they milk 'em and leave 'em". Says Bubba McTwinlkediddy, dairy farmer of 37 years.

"This morning, I came out to find my whole herd was bone-dry and Bessie was crying."

A gallon of unpasteurized milk can go for as much at $2 on the black chocolate milk market. Cow-tippers and crop circle makers are now opting to profit from their activities and stealing food as the economy has made them desperate.

"It's not just stealth-milking, but these country criminals are now storming barns and poaching eggs" says E.I. McDonald, director of the Cornhole Cooperative Extension.

"No one's going to buy the cow, when they can get the milk for free." Says Mel Nourished, director of the Bovine Institute of Macroeconomics.

Area farmers are more and concerned than ever and looking to protect their inventory. UdderChastity, the fledgling upstart company which produces farming technology products is developing a state of the art, udder locking system with keypad entry designed to keep the teats under lock and key until the proper code is entered.

"Ain't nothin sacred no more" said McTinklediddy. "I'm left with nothin' but some mad cows!".

Bessie was not available for comment.

Spending habits start early; a case study

...like...in the womb maybe?

Here at the Institute of Home Nanoeconomics, we are committed to studying and understanding spending trends in little, tiny, loud, hyper active people and how this behavior might manifest itself later in the form of a global credit crisis.

Case study: The Canestarostein Household

We studied two subjects, both being raised by a fiscally conservative father, Michael Canestarostein. Michael opened his first bank account at the age of 16 with $800 in cash he had earned from his job at a mall department store. Until then, he was storing money in a book in which he cut a rectangular dollar bill-sized hole in the pages so his brothers wouldn't steal it. He secretly hopes his brothers are reading this now and they are annoyed to finally find out where the money was.

Michael now acts as chair the federal domestic reserve bank for the Canestarostein household. Both subjects of the study possess piggy banks. They are allotted $1 allowance per week. Both are allowed to spend their money as they wish at any time on anything that does not negatively affect their health or welfare.

Spending behaviors were observed in the harshest of environments; the Halloween costume and toy section of Kroger. To make things worse, they are hopped up on adrenaline after their Saturday swim lesson.

To begin the study:

Subject A: is a 5 year old female who has a piggy bank balance of $4.74
Subject B: is a 8 year old female with a piggy bank balance of "damn!" which includes a 20-spot someone must have given her.

Looks like we should have started this study 5 years ago.

Week #1: Both girls notice rubber, stretchy action figure-like toys. They play with them while their dad anxiously awaits the his turn in the beer aisle. They do not purchase the toys, but dream and lust for them all week.

Week #2: Subject B brings her piggy bank to swim lessons and requests a visit to Kroger. Subject A follows suit. They shop. After about 3 hours, each selects and purchases rubber stretchy action figure.

Subject A chooses Tiffany, infamous bride of Chucky.


Subject B chooses the "Life Like Dracula" doll.


Each cost $3, which leaves:

Subject A: balance of $1.74
Subject B: balance of "holy shit"

and leaves their dad wondering how a Dracula doll can be "lifelike" per package description.

Week 3: It is requested that we stop by Kroger again after swim lessons so that more rubbery $3 dolls may be purchased. Subject A's father makes sure it is clear that she does not have enough money to purchase another doll. Subject B offers her 26 cents an advance of $1 is offered by the federal domestic reserve bank.

Subject A seizes this opportunity to buy another Tiffany doll exactly like the other one! They had a Chucky doll there! She could have bought Chucky and they could have had a mock wedding ceremony. But, this seemingly poor decision must be allowed to take place because it did not negatively affect her health or welfare...researchers must remind themselves...

Subject B chooses the bride of Frankenstein rubber stretchy doll.


This seems like a good purchase. She and Dracula can have a juicy affair.

So, at the conclusion of week 3:

Subject A: $1 in debt until tomorrow.

Subject B: Holy shit.

Entering Week 4:

Subject A: is placed on credit watch. Future loans would have to occur with no money down. This type of predatory lending is not practiced or condoned by the domestic reserve bank.

Subject B: better learn how to cut a hole in a book. Stat.

Conclusion of the study

Subject B is more fiscally responsible. She will be the one who will bail out all the Subject A's the next time the world experiences a fiscal crisis.

...but it doesn't really matter. Because, they will both be hot looking when they grow up and they won't have to pay for anything themselves anyway.

Invest in Lube, Economists, Say...

Use of personal lube at an all-time high due to economic woes

Thursday, October, 9th 4:05pm EST

Shares of KY jelly (NYSE: KY 69 1/2 + 3.5) are up in after hours trading as economists indicate the slowing economy has driven consumers to depend more and more on personal lube products.
"Since the Fannie Mae crisis, consumers have found a greater need to lube their fanny" says Seymour Butz, professor of economics at Tufts University.

Since the congress rammed it's fiscal stimulus package through senate, lube sales have climbed 24%. Experts expect this number to climb rapidly when rectal probes become a standard part of the mortgage approval process.

"We've seen record sales of the Wet Platinum half gallon with pump economy size" says Ben Dover, sales manager for CheapLubes.com


Compounding this trend, retail stores will soon be rolling out the ass-crack swipe device for credit purchases.

"Consumers find this device convenient, but slightly uncomfortable" said Phil McCracken retail marketing analyst for Chase Credit. "It will allow retailers to instantly assess and raise the buyer's credit card rate, based on the risk carried by their purchase items".

Investors are flocking to this sector in mass droves.

Richard Hertz, professor of economics at Brown University claims "This sector is safe, liquid and gets warm when blown on."

Stupid Letters Series #5: Bob Evans

Customer Relations Dept.
Bob Evans Farms, Inc.
P.O. Box 330
Rio Grande, OH 45674

Dear Mr. Evans (or one of his helpers),

I just love sausage. Especially Bob Evans Pork Sausage. I buy the 16 oz. tube and I go through about ten of those in a week. Yeah, all the doctors probably say that isn't the healthiest thing. But, at 350 pounds, I'm not going to please them any time soon.

I've been having this problem lately; my favorite way to eat your sausage is to squeeze it right out of the tube on Ritz Crackers while it's cold right out of the refrigerator. I call that "crackers with sausage spread". My wife and kids don't like it. But, my dog and I think it's great. I eat that every day. However, a couple of times last month I felt a little sick after eating my crackers with sausage spread. I felt like I had the flu real bad. Symptoms included; nausea, chills, diarrhea, dizziness and blurred vision. Do you think I'm becoming allergic to the sausage? Please write back if any of your experts have any advice. Till then, I'll keep "Squirtin' and spreadin'".

Thanks again Bob. You guys make a fine and tasty pig!

Sincerely,

Mike Gastro

Their reply came with a pamphlet titled "Fight Bac":



Dear Mr. Gastro:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding your purchase of our roll sausage products.

I am writing in response to your letter dated April 13, 1998. We do not recommend consumers eating eating this product uncooked due to the risks involved. I feel the illness you experienced is contributed to product not being cooked thoroughly, rather than an allergic reaction. Should you have any questions regarding the ingredients in our sausage, you may contact Tim Lawlis at 1-800-272-****. He will be happy to assist you with further information.

Thank you again, Mr. Gastro, and I hope you will continue being a loyal Bob Evans customer.

Sincerely,

Amber A. Chalfin
Consumer Relations

Cuba Gooding Jr...

...visited campus today on a mission of encouragement designed to make young people temporarily suspend their video gaming and register to vote.

Just look at him walk like he's on a mission. Cuba Gooding, Sr. should be proud.

He spoke in the library. It's the building with all the books in it where everyone goes to diligently update their MySpace page.

I didn't go. But, I do find things some things ironic about his visit:

• For a guy named "Cuba", he sure is democratic


• He didn't even come close to adhering to our faculty/staff dress code


• I wonder if he asked anyone to "show me the money" for his travel expenses?

What's he doing above? Is that an autograph stamp or something? Would save time I suppose...

Hmmm...Ok, that's all I have for now.

So...bye.

The corrections...

Today in lab...

Mike: "OK, guys...today, you will notice there is no data sheet in your lab manual. I will be passing out this graph paper you can use to record your data on."

Student A: "Do we have to make a graph?"

Mike: "No. I'm just giving you graph paper because it looks scientific."

Student B: "Seriously? Or, are you being sarcastic?"

Mike: "Seriously, you don't have enough data to do that. There's really only a mass measurement and some observations you need to take down."

Student A: "But we could do that on just regular paper, right?"

Mike: "Sure, if you want, just use your own regular paper."

Student C: "Then, where do we put our graph?"

Buncha wise asses...

And then in my stack of lab reports, I find this:

A linear plot titled "Mike's Hair Cycle"?

It can't be a "cycle" if it's linear!

Well, at least the slope is correct. But the x and y axes are reversed. The x axis is supposed to be the independent axis, which should be time and the y (dependent) axis should represent when my hair went from "peppered" to "gray" to "bald spot" to "bald". And why does it start at 6 months?

I have a lot of work to do.

Bye.