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My computer had cyber-herpes.

I think it was invaded by a trojan. I should have used spyware protection.

Or maybe, it's the other way around.

I had good spyware protection. A full year of it. That was two years ago. I thought I could get by without it.

Why?

I thought I was good at not being distracted. Hell, if you're a woman and you want to dangle your thong or your sweater-puppies out there for the whole world to see, I'll try not to to look at your stuff...just out of spite.

And, I'll fail miserably.

Similarly, I am very prudish about where I choose to do my clicky action. I never click on banner ads or pop up ads. Even if I was somehow intrigued by it, I won't click on it, cus I don't trust 'em.

Now I have two kids who routinely use the computer to help build the Webkinz Empire.

On Sunday, I came back from a bike ride and found all sorts of new icons on the screen. Then, every new web page I visited was accompanied by a new pop up ad.

I deleted those files, used the windows uninstall utility and did all sorts of computer related things that suck the fun out of a blog.

It didn't help. This stuff was insidious. I get McAffe antivirus, but it wasn't catching anything.

So, I downloaded Ad aware. There was a free version and a $26.99 version.

Guess which one I chose? I'll give you a hint: it was the cheaper one.

The free version of Ad aware did a scan and determined that I had cyber-STD's all over the place. But, it couldn't remove them all.

Guess which version you need for that? I'll give you another hint: it's not the cheaper one.

So, the free version of Ad aware is only able to make you...aware. The free version was great at giving me a detailed explanation about what I already know, but was piss-poor at doing anything about it. It must have a Ph.D. or something.

Off to Best Buy I went to buy some anti-spyware. I chose to go physically to the store because now I have download trust issues. I'd much rather use software out of the box. I think the bytes are fresher that way.

On the shelf were two programs: Norton Spyware Doctor or Webroot Spy Sweeper. I chose Webroot Spy Sweeper.

Why? Because the Spyware Doctor might have a Ph.D. And, Webroot had an attractive lady on the box.

She works for the company and she looks like she can speak english.

Then, I install Webroot and it starts zapping stuff left and right...pow, wham, zappo! My hard drive started smoking a little bit. And then, McAffe starts chiming in like a jealous girfriend! Webroot would find something and then McAffe would find something as if to say "She ain't so great, I found something better!".

Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty wanted having these two fight for my attention. How ya like me now?

* Buffing nails on shirt *

Now, things are better and if I haven't responded to your emails in anything more than one syllable lately, you know why.

Byte. Uh, I mean, bye!

Ya know, ya think you're doing a good thing...

...when you show up to the team group ride with your camera so you can report back to everybody else...



and then, there's always that guy who's gotta spoil it:



Human nature, I guess.

Stupid Letter Series Number 4: Laura's Lean Beef

A second attempt at contact after I wrote once and a member of customer service left me a voice message on my home answering machine...

Customer Relations Department
Laura's Lean Beef Co.
Mt Folly Farm
P.O. Box 4112
Winchester, KY 40392

Dear Ms. Laura,

Hi, It's Mike again. I wrote you once and your helper called me back and left a message on my answering machine. But, I was too embarrassed to call back. So, I'm writing again.

Ms. Laura, I'm a vegetarian, but I'm thinking of converting to a meatitarian. My doctor says I need to eat more meat to build muscle mass. I weigh only 105 pounds. Since your beef has no antibiotics or hormones it seems more "natural" to me. However, to clear my conscious, I need to know how you make the cows fall asleep before you cut the muscle off their bones. Is it painful for them? You kill them first, right? Somebody told me they are electrocuted in their rear end. But, they really don't feel anything because it zaps their butt really quick. Please write back and let me know.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I need some recipes since I don't know what food pairs well with cow or what is the correct way to cook it by burning the muscle. Thank you again Ms. Laura. You and your workers seem very trustworthy. I have no "beef" about that. Ha ha, that was just a joke.

Sincerely,


Mike Canestecco



Their response:

I'm gonna turn 40...

...in exactly one month. Not that I'm keeping track or anything. When it happens, maybe it's I time I act a bit more like a "man" and not so much a "young man".

So, just maybe, I should start to:

• act more mature and not continue to amuse myself by performing the stunt where I drive the exact same speed as the car next to me for several miles, thereby causing the other driver and passenger in my car to feel really uncomfortable.
  
• not allow spontaneous, solo, daytime drinking excursions to negatively affect my self esteem. Cus, let's face it, I'm past the half way point, statistically.


• retire from changing around marquis signs to say funny things, largely because everyone else I know is too afraid or tired to do it with me.


• probably give up on doing the funny handshake where you tickle the palm of the other person's hand with your finger.
  
• eventually succumb to farting when I pee. All the old guys in the bathroom do this and I just know it's not long before I'm next. Ya also gotta grunt along with it. Uhhh! Tooooot! * tinkle *
• stop making voice impersonations of all the bosses at work

Yeah, ya know what? I think this all feels very natural.

No, actually, it doesn't. Let's talk in a month.

Watch this shit...

...and tell me how fast you think these fixed-gear city boys would be if:

• They swapped out their hoodies and jean shorts for spandex
• They shaved their legs for when they (inevitably) fall
• They knew how to ride in a tight pace line

Helmets would be nice, too.

See if you know the guy in the white shirt who gaps everybody down the hill. You will at the end at least.

Watch now!

Time for bed.

Bye.

The rider, the horse and how they apply to drunk students

I went to a seminar yesterday; "Dealing with Difficult People".

I sharpened my saw and put new tools in my tool box.

That's professional seminar-speak for "spent 4 hours sitting on my fanny listening".

It was well worth my employer's money. Many things stuck with me, which I will share.

The Conscious/Unconscious Mind

Everyone has a part of their mind that is conscious. This part of the mind is paying close attention to what your doing or saying. This is like the "rider on the horse" which must control the reigns. This encompasses 3% of the brain's activity.

Then, there's remaining 97%, which is the unconscious part of the mind. This is the "horse". If the rider does not steer the horse, the horse keeps chugging along. This is the part of the mind that dictates "habit" in people's behavior, like when you drive, etc.

The good news is you can train your rider to stop the horse or change it's direction with enough practice. If a person exhibits bad habits, which hurt or stress you, that person's horse has an abnormally large ass that shits all over the place and everyone. This makes you want to shoot the horse. But, you shouldn't, because that just gives you a dead horse body to clean up.

Reading People

I learned that you can override your rider and respond more accordingly by understanding people better. This involves tuning into their communication. The problem is, only 7% of communication comes from words. For mimes, it is as little as 0%. The rest comes from tone (37%) and body language (55%). For example, as I am typing this I am also saying every word in a high-pitched voice like Michael Jackson and grabbing my crotch, but you would never know from just reading it.

Body language is gestures, facial expressions, posture and attire. Keep an eye out for these indications of bad body language that might occur at work or in your personal life:

• A co-worker sits across from you with his/her arms folded, indicating closure to your ideas.


• An employee wears a "I hate you and I don't want to be here" button to work.


• The person you are courting or in a relationship with has sex with another person.*

* May be acceptable if you are also having sex with the other person simultaneously

These are all behaviors indicating a unhealthy situation that must be swiftly resolved. A sensitive person can become attuned to picking these up.

Resolving Bad Behaviors

Beliefs cause people's attitudes which in turn, cause behaviors. Soon after my seminar, curiously enough, I was given the opportunity to use my new tools. I was confronted by a student exhibiting bad behavior in lab class. The student smelled of strongly of liquor, was slurring slightly and making potentially offensive statements like "I couldn't get my pre-lab assignment done because I met a big-boobied girl today!".

These behaviors do not arise on their own. They are caused at the root by beliefs. In this case, the student believed that he could drink before class. This in turn, caused him to have the attitude that he could get drunk before class and manifested itself in his getting drunk before class.

Luckily, this can be resolved using "Assertive Communication". Notice, this technique begins with the three letters "Ass". An example:

"For the sake of" (insert relationship, environment, etc.), "when you" (state behavior) "and" (state result of behavior) "happens", "I feel" (state emotion). "What I want is (state the solution). "Can we agree to" (again state solution)?

Applied to my situation, this could be applied as follows:

"For the sake of the safety of others, when you come to class completely shit-faced and you say stuff about women's boobies, I feel jealous. What I want is for you to come to class sober. Can we agree to come to class sober?"

So, I dunno what you think. But, I think I have truly earned this certificate.


If not, I would appreciate you telling me your ideas. Sober.

Even if you don't know jack about cycling...

...doesn't this get you a teency bit pumped?

How about if I told you that guy, Alberto Contador, won the 2007 Tour De France and then his whole team, team Astana, got booted from the 2008 Tour De France because his teammate doped, and Alberto didn't but they disallowed the entire team anyway? Even though the big bag of douche who doped was hence fired and suspended and they fired management too?

How about if I told you a guy named Lance Armstrong will be making a comeback and riding the Tour De France for team Astana next year, which will could allow for a sack-tingling battle between Lance and Alberto within the same team?

How about if I told you the New York Giants got kicked out of this year's Super Bowl because one guy was on steroids when they played vs. the Patriots? Would you root for them the next year?

How about if I told you I don't have school tomorrow either because it was windy two days ago?

Am I the only one who's fired up around here?

Come on, people. Look alive out there!

Can I get a witness?