Statement #1: Taxes Gonna Gitcha!
Ben Franklin once said "The only sure thing in life are death and taxes." And, that my friends, is why Ben Franklin is on the $100 bill. Gas stations won't even carry Ben Franklin because of the tax burden.
This leads to the not so smooth segue about how when Mickey was a young lad, he liked the Boston Celtics, pronounced "Sell Ticks". Then, there's Celtic music, which is pronounced "Kell-tick".
Why?
I have no flippin' idea.
Anyway, Mickey liked the Celtics because sometimes Mickey liked to kick it old school and the Celtics were old school. They were all about the bounce pass to the post up move to the fade away bank shot. "Go Celtics, Go!" Mickey would yell at the TV, only to have it not answer him back. The Celtics were awesome and fun to watch. Mickey's favorite was not in fact Larry Bird, but Robert Parish, who they dubbed with the nickname "The Chief". Why? because he looked like a chief! That's why!
Then came a period of demise and decline. Larry Bird, Robert Parish and Kevin McHale retired. Reggie Lewis died. Rick Pitino was signed as coach and thought he could make pro players press full court for 80+ games 60 minutes at a time. And the Celtics became a little bit poopy.
But last year, they were good again. And they won the NBA championship, which prompted their new star, Kevin Garnett, to proclaim he was "On top of the world!" kinda like a cross between a WWE wrestler and Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic.
And what does this have to do with taxes, you ask?
Welp, somewhere in between the Bird years and the decline, Mickey's dad bought him a share of Boston Celtics stock. That's right, the Boston Celtics used to be a publicly traded company. But, it was not really a stock per se, it was a master limited partnership, which in layman's terms means, something like a stock.
Mickey's dad bought 100 shares and sold 99. And for the one remaining share, he asked the brokerage for the certificate. Did you know you can hold stock certificates instead of allowing your broker to hold them for you? And, did you know most stock certificates must somewhere have a human figure on them?
Yes, it's very pretty and a very good conversation piece. I mean, I'm already probably at 400 words and I am still ready to talk even more.
And what's even more jolly, it threw off a dividend while it was sitting on my wall. So, my Dad would be mailed a check paid to me for like, $3 every year and I would cash it. What other type of wall hanging pays you while it sits on your wall?
But this tax year, Ben Franklin was right. I was sent a form 1099-B for a broker and barter exchange transaction. I don't want to mire this entry in technical jargon, but to fully explain, must say that this was probably the result of exchange between a broker and a barter. On the form, it claimed I was paid $5.35 and this amount was reported to the government.
Naturally, I was left with two questions:
1) Dad, where the hell is my check for $5.35?
and
2) Where the hell do I claim this on my taxes so Ben Franklin doesn't haunt me?
To which the answers are, I dunno and line 21.
Line 21 is the "other income" line. That's what gamblers, prositutes and brokers and barter exchangers use. And, so did I.
And so, if the federal deficit hits 1 Trillion dollars, you should all know it will be a couple of dollars less because I claimed $5.35 on my taxes that I never saw.
And that makes me feel like I was struck by lightning while flying a kite, or somethin'...
Bye.
