I am having a bad year with living creatures. Cat died a while back, got some people in my life who are ill and now I'm trying to nurture an asparagus patch in this cold weather. All in all, I've had a pretty rough time achieving organism.
Last spring I decided I wanted to grow something. I love asparagus. Even despite the smelly pee thing. So, I bought a whole bunch of asparagus roots off eBay. I got the fancy purple asparagus. It actually grows purple! Then, when you cook it, it turns green.
*Which sort of defeats the purpose because if you serve it to someone cooked it's just like regular asparagus and you have to just tell them it was purple. Or save them one that wasn't cooked to show off what it looks like before & after.*
Anyway, they came in the mail in a big box. It felt sort of strange paying $28 for a big box full of dirt and roots. But I was so excited nonetheless. I went outside in the middle of the night, put on the floodlights and dug a big rectangular plot in the back yard.
*This made the neighbors nervous because they know I'm Italian and they probably already suspect I'm in the mafia.*
Afterward, I went to Home Depot and bought some good dirt. Ya know, the kind in bags that's even dirtier than regular dirt. I planted the roots down deep. And with Mr. Miyagi-like patience I let them grow for a year and die. Cus, you're supposed to just let it grow for a year to establish it.
Well, now it's the second year when I can start harvesting the shoots when they pop up in the spring! Well, lemme tell ya, I had this big, fat one popping up about two weeks ago. He was glorious and quite verile. I was so impressed with him I named him; Gus, the asparagus shoot. Gus was way ahead of his peers who were still in the ground and lemme tell ya, he was quite a stout guy. I'd check on him every day as he'd poke further up into the air. I became so obsessed with his progress that I almost started to question my sexual orientation.
Yeah, but then this cold weather came and I just couldn't save him. I tried to cover him up but I found him dead this morning. He was all limp and flaccid and laying on the ground. Now I grieve for him. I miss you Gus. You were quite literally a groundbreaker.
Why did you take Gus God? Why!!!!?????
About Me
- Mick
- In 1968, a baby boy was born and his parents named him Michael. As a cute little zero year old, he had a little round nose and made gurgly noises. But, he also had colic which tired his mama out and his grandmother often rocked him to sleep. One night, while doing this, she nicknamed him "Mickey" and that is why people also call him Mick. He grew up in upstate New York in a place too remote to be called anything. There were a lot of bugs and his Dad yelled at him for using too many paper towels. Little Mickey tried to have fun playing war with his friends and shooting BB guns. He didn't apply himself very much in school and he graduated high school Magne Cum Lousy. One day in 1986 he discovered a lump in his neck which he promptly ignored for more than 6 months. As fate would have it, it was Hodgekin's Disease and after months of dicking around with inept doctors, he promptly underwent aggressive treatment involving brutal tests and chemotherapy. This lasted a year followed by many years of paranoia. This is where he learned to suffer and it payed great dividends. Now he teaches 13th grade at a college in Ohio where he suffers daily.
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