I am a lame-duck manager for the next 81 working days. I will be replaced on September 1st. In turn I find myself very unmotivated to attend the various meetings that accompany my current job description. To make things worse, I have always hated meetings. They are such a waste of time. Over the years at these gatherings, I've entered the role playing game of doing the absolute minimum work while convincing those around me that I am an integral and interested member of the group. Case in point, several people have approached me in the halls and said to me "Mike, I'm sorry to hear you're stepping down as chair of the department, I always enjoyed your input at the meetings". Since I will be attending less meetings in the future, I now divulge my secrets for how to make others think you are there when you are truly...not.
Body Language
Did you know that most of your communication occurs non-verbally? For mimes it's a full 100%! I learned about non-verbal cues my first year in college. I remember one night at a bar leaning in to kiss a very attractive girl and receiving a distinct non-verbal cue of disinterest. She chose to use the non-verbal cue of a knee thrust to my nuts. Allow your non-verbal cues to sell your interest in the meeting by doing the following:
* Furrow your eyebrows and stare intently at the wall or some other object. Tilt your head a little to the side. While you are doing this you are actually thinking about the Victoria's Secret catalogue. But it's okay. No one knows this but you.
* Place your pen in your hand in a "ready for action" writing position. Get ready to write "notes".
* Take diligent notes every few minutes. Lean forward and write on a note pad. For example, here are the notes I took at this morning's meeting:
Speak up
Half way through the meeting, wake up and say something. It's not as compelling to agree with the discussion topic at hand. Disagree wholeheartedly with something. Disagreeing with a concept shows that you have familiarized yourself with the concept, weighed the consequences, analyzed them and come to a conclusion. Follow this up with a vague sort of solution that is so ethereal in nature that it's practicality can't be tested. Offering a solution makes you a innovative problem solver and not some sort of perfunctory prick. Talk in management phrases. Talk about the "box". People love the box. "Paradigm Shift" is another goodie. Something good to say might be:
"I think we need to re-examine our thinking on this. We're just thinking in terms of one box and packaging them into another box. We need to eliminate the box make a true paradigm shift in approach."
See? I showed the interest level of disagreeing, but I offered a solution. It's a solution that no one can challenge because it means nothing. That's the perfect kind of solution. It makes all other members feel uncomfortable and insecure. This causes them to change the subject and more importantly, allows you to quickly return to your daydream about that lady from Kettering who got the $300 question wrong on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. How embarrassing for her. She thought "Sir Mixalot" was knighted by the royal family. Sheesh!
Bring believable reading material
Always bring a large binder. Make sure the cover of the binder is labeled with something relevant. Lean back, open the binder and proceed to read your Iron Man comic book.
Used properly, these techniques will disallow the bureaucracy of the establishment to waste your time. Rather, you will have earned to right to waste your own time.
I wish you good luck and Godspeed.
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