In case I don't get back with ya...

...right off the bat.

My Dad helped me find a new outlet.

When Geese Attack

Yesterday, I was riding the River Corridor Trail to my workplace downtown. I have experienced some episodes of total cosmic awareness on this particular stretch of trail.

* Flashback Swirly Transition *

I specifically recall a day when I had the kids in tow in the pull-along buggy. It was a sunny, warm, summer day. A freight train was approaching ahead to cross perpendicularly over us. I alerted the kids and they started chattering with excitement. We intersected the path of the train just in time to cross under the bridge to hear its roar and the clickity-clack of the rails and I peeked back to notice them looking up at the train in awe. I was struck with the profound sense that I was being a good Dad that day. And for them, I may have helped create one of those childhood memories that remain with you until you find yourself in the assisted living center.

Then yesterday, after crossing under this very same bridge, a goose was approaching rapidly through the air. I expected it to splash down in the river, but it did not. It continued its trajectory. It seemed to be heading my general direction, but actually, it was headed to a point a few meters in front of me, because that's where I would be in a few moments. Several seconds later, I realized my fate was to become the victim of an aerial goose attack. Goose now within feet of me, it started to broaden its wings and honk loudly. It came so close I heard the rush of wind created by its wings beating over A Message To You Rudy by The Specials, which prophetically had been selected to play on random mode by my mp3 player. A sign of things to come, I suppose.

I ducked. I wondered why they call that action "ducking" and if it has anything to do with ducks. Then, I let out a sound very resemblant of my pre-crash "this is the big one" scream.

It sounds like this; "ahhhhhhhh!". You had to be there.

Anyhow, I avoided contact with the angry goose, but, I achieved contact with the handlebar, banging my chin pretty hard.

In case you are missing the irony here, earlier in the year, I wrote a scathing piece on goose rights and pissed off a bunch of Chesley Sullenberger fans, and Rush Limbaugh clones.

And now, as if through some sort of death bed conversion, I happily take side with these people. After all, geese don't deserve the same rights as people. They are barely even human. They are a slave to their instincts, and most importantly, they don't respect our right to ride our bicycles or fly our planes and when you invade their territory, they throw a big hissy fit. They even mate for life. How stupid is that?

And, they poop all over the damn place. Sometimes, they don't even stop walking while they are pooping. They just walk and poop at the same time. And now, on top of all that nuisance, they have now tainted my favorite stretch of rail trail. I feel like I was violated in every way. Well, not sexually. The goose didn't violate me sexually. And the goose didn't goose me. I want to be clear about that. But I feel a bit vexed because when I rode home I was cowering in fear of another goose mobbing.

Mobbing, is when pissed off birds fly at your noggin. In case you didn't want to click on the hyperlink.

So, I'm sorry I sound like such a bird biggot. I just really doubt it's possible for us all to get along on this planet. And, it makes me honkin' mad.

Because geese suck and they are mean.

Thank you.

Now that eBay allows a picture upload...

...you can get a better sense of the real person behind who is not paying you.

Like this guy who took 8 days to pay me.


I was somewhat comforted to know he was just preening himself the whole time.

Bye.

Two of my favorite things all wrapped up in one...

A fixed gear with a DEVO logo.

Benefits the Lance Armstrong Foundation. So, make that three.

http://www.devobikeauction.com/

2009 MAC Championship

I made a trip to see it, albeit a short one.



Just as well.

Some Good Business Ideas I'll Never Go Through With...

...because I am too busy working for the man.

Testosteroni -- Pasta

Missing or craving a man in your life? Testosteroni pasta would be manufactured to resemble the parts of the male anatomy you miss. Not just elbows, mind you, the good stuff. Do not overcook, for obvious reasons.


Carpet Diem -- Flooring Outlet

Carpet Diem is the home of the "seize the carpet" daily specials, where the price of one type of carpet is reduced drastically to attract customers. But, the sale only lasts one day, so you had better act quick!

No Car Left Behind -- Late Night Taxi Service

This business model capitalizes on drunk people who are too intoxicated to drive but do not want to leave their car stranded by calling a taxi. You call a pager number left with the bartender (business cards would be ideal) and No Car Left Behind responds via folding bicycle. The crack staff of late night cyclists will travel to the establishment where you most recently found yourself shit-faced, fold the bicycle, stow it in your trunk and drive your drunk ass home. Charging you triple what a taxi cab would.

The world would be a better place...

if we just owned up to everything we don't know from the get-go.


+1 to everyone who does.

Chemical Mix-Ups

When you are a chemist, certain things drive you nuts. I'd like to barium.

What kinds of things, you ask? These things:

"Don't go outside in the rain or you'll melt!"

When water touches sugar, it dissolves, damn it. Dissolves! Assuming the sweet thang you are referring to is made of cane sugar or table sugar, which is also referred to us lab coat wearing geeks as sucrose, you have to heat it in order to melt it, not add water. Melting is the transfor-freaking-mation of something between the solid and liquid states in it's pure form. And according, the The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics, which is nestled firmly in my lap as we speak, sucrose melts at 185-186 degrees Celsius, which in normal Fahrenheit temperatures is, pretty friggin' hot!

"Lactating"

I don't really know why production of breast milk is called lactating. From what I can tell, the most prevalent single ingredient of breast milk is lactose, the sugar that is in dairy, not lactate, which is the negative ion of lactic acid, the product of anaerobic respiration.

So, I think breast feeding mothers should be lactosing and not lactating. Bike racers, when riding above their lactic acid threshold are the ones that build up lactic acid in the bodies and feel pain in their legs. During a race, when a teammate rides up to me in the peleton and asks how I am feeling, I usually tell him I am lactating, and now you know why.

Maybe there is something I am missing, because I was not breast fed as a child. And maybe that's actually why I am so cranky.

Cholesterol

Cholesterol is not cholesterol. What I'm saying is what we call cholesterol are actually lipoproteins. And because I'm getting tired, I'm not going to explain very fully. Cholesterol proper is a 4 ringed structure that is very vital to making your cell membranes strong.



But, when you have high cholesterol, it doesn't mean you can just shun everything in your diet that has a lot of cell membranes, like shrimp for example, which has a lot. My Dad proved this when he decided to not eat anything that had cholesterol in it and his cholesterol shot up so high that the doctor said his blood type was "gravy". I think he said his cell membranes felt strong, as hell, though.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is, we should use the proper term and when you get your cholesterol checked you should be getting your lipoproteins and triglycerides checked. I threw triglycerides in there without prior mention but I wrote a whole blog about triglyceride on fat Tuesday.

So, I think I am done now. Thanks for listening.

Bye.

I can't believe how primitive some people are...

Man wanted to have sex with cousin before beating her with VCR

Sunday, March 1, 2009, 12:27 PM

DAYTON - A 51-year-old woman’s condition has been upgraded to stable after she was beaten in the head with a VCR by a cousin Saturday, Feb. 28, days after the suspect was released from prison.

I mean come on, really...

Everybody's using DVR's now.