When Geese Attack

Yesterday, I was riding the River Corridor Trail to my workplace downtown. I have experienced some episodes of total cosmic awareness on this particular stretch of trail.

* Flashback Swirly Transition *

I specifically recall a day when I had the kids in tow in the pull-along buggy. It was a sunny, warm, summer day. A freight train was approaching ahead to cross perpendicularly over us. I alerted the kids and they started chattering with excitement. We intersected the path of the train just in time to cross under the bridge to hear its roar and the clickity-clack of the rails and I peeked back to notice them looking up at the train in awe. I was struck with the profound sense that I was being a good Dad that day. And for them, I may have helped create one of those childhood memories that remain with you until you find yourself in the assisted living center.

Then yesterday, after crossing under this very same bridge, a goose was approaching rapidly through the air. I expected it to splash down in the river, but it did not. It continued its trajectory. It seemed to be heading my general direction, but actually, it was headed to a point a few meters in front of me, because that's where I would be in a few moments. Several seconds later, I realized my fate was to become the victim of an aerial goose attack. Goose now within feet of me, it started to broaden its wings and honk loudly. It came so close I heard the rush of wind created by its wings beating over A Message To You Rudy by The Specials, which prophetically had been selected to play on random mode by my mp3 player. A sign of things to come, I suppose.

I ducked. I wondered why they call that action "ducking" and if it has anything to do with ducks. Then, I let out a sound very resemblant of my pre-crash "this is the big one" scream.

It sounds like this; "ahhhhhhhh!". You had to be there.

Anyhow, I avoided contact with the angry goose, but, I achieved contact with the handlebar, banging my chin pretty hard.

In case you are missing the irony here, earlier in the year, I wrote a scathing piece on goose rights and pissed off a bunch of Chesley Sullenberger fans, and Rush Limbaugh clones.

And now, as if through some sort of death bed conversion, I happily take side with these people. After all, geese don't deserve the same rights as people. They are barely even human. They are a slave to their instincts, and most importantly, they don't respect our right to ride our bicycles or fly our planes and when you invade their territory, they throw a big hissy fit. They even mate for life. How stupid is that?

And, they poop all over the damn place. Sometimes, they don't even stop walking while they are pooping. They just walk and poop at the same time. And now, on top of all that nuisance, they have now tainted my favorite stretch of rail trail. I feel like I was violated in every way. Well, not sexually. The goose didn't violate me sexually. And the goose didn't goose me. I want to be clear about that. But I feel a bit vexed because when I rode home I was cowering in fear of another goose mobbing.

Mobbing, is when pissed off birds fly at your noggin. In case you didn't want to click on the hyperlink.

So, I'm sorry I sound like such a bird biggot. I just really doubt it's possible for us all to get along on this planet. And, it makes me honkin' mad.

Because geese suck and they are mean.

Thank you.