Shit They Don't Make No More

There sure is a lot of stuff around. Have you noticed all the stuff all over? It's everywhere.

With Christmas approaching, it's hard not to dwell on some of the consumer items that have fallen by the wayside. In some cases, this would a good thing. Like, margarine developed by Lee Iacocca. What's up with that?

But in some cases, it is a bad, bad, horrible nasty thing.

I miss some products. And this makes me sad.

*sigh*

Case in point, what happened to these wonderful things? Read below and then please tell me. In that order, please.

Slime

Remember Slime? Ok, maybe you're too young to remember Slime. Slime was this wonderfully viscous sensation in a can that could provide hours, maybe even days of juvenile, goopy entertainment. You could poke your finger into it and make it disappear while the air slipped out and made a tooty noise. You could take it out of the can, place the big glob of it on your finger tips, hold your hand upright and after about 5 minutes, it would slowly ooze down your hand, coating all of your fingers. OK, now everybody make that kiddie "ooooooooooh" sound. That's the reaction for everything involving Slime. Who knew guar gum could be so much fun? Then, when the whole concept became sort of stale, they came out with Slime with rubber worms in it, Slime with Eyeballs, Slime with Bugs and Masters of The Universe Slime! Yeeaaahhhh!

So, this stuff was awesome. Why did they stop producing it? I am afraid I know the answer to that. Why do they stop making any good toy? Because some dumb ass kid hurt himself with it. The only question I have is...how? Yeah, how did some kid injure himself with guar freaking gum?

I'm sorry, I have to stop there. I'm getting emotional.

Old Spice Scented Wipes

Why did they stop making these? Are there less people with body odor these days? I don't think so. Actually, this must be a classic case of poor marketing because this was a truly superior product. When I ride my bike to work, I must transform myself from a stinky, sweaty latex-wearin' cycle-monkey into a well groomed, musky smelling educational professional in minutes. It's kind of like doing a "reverse Superman". Back in the days when Old Spice made scented wipes, I could wipe myself off with a few of these in my "target stinky zones" and be done. Destinkified and perfumified in one easy step, I would emerge pretty and sweet smelling. Ladies I work with have commented!

Now, I must destinkify myself with baby wipes, which do not make me smell like a man. They make me smell like a toddler who has shat his diapers. Then, I have to spray myself with TAG or AXE or BOD or some sort of three letter spray that comes in a metal can that makes me smell like I'm trying wayyyy to hard.

It's all so wrong now. Damn you, Old Spice!

Shlitz

Actually, this wasn't really very good beer. I just used to like to get it once in a while because of the funny name. And so, I miss it.

Chocolate Cool Whip

What's the best food in the world? Right. Cool Whip. What's the best flavor in the world? Correct again, chocolate. Now what do you get when you combine the light and creamy goodness of Cool Whip with the most wonderful delectible flavor in the world? Chocolate Freakin' Cool Whip!

Now, where the hell do you find it? I don't know. I saw it once and I bought like 5 containers of it. Now, I can't find it anywhere. I would drive up to 50 miles for it. So, where did I go to find out? Where all curious minds go to find out about Cool Whip www.coolwhip.com

Ya know what's a kick in the pants? They still make it. I just can't find it anywhere.

And, what's worse than something you can't have? Knowing someone else has it.

Come back to me, Chocolate Cool Whip.
I miss you.