The Unofficial Rules of Cover Songs

I'm kinda mad at my seventh favorite band. Yeah, I said seventh favorite band. I rank my bands. I could do it off the top of my head right now. You got a problem with that? Being in touch with my inner feelings for a band helps me decide how far I am willing to drive to see them. So, I keep a mental file which we shall call the personal band ranking (PBR).

I may have OCD.

Coincidentally, PBR is also what the kids drink at the clubs where the bands play (Pabst Blue Ribbon).

For example, said band is a ska/punk band named Reel Big Fish. Nothing to do with Squeek the Fish. A couple of years ago, I drove almost 4 hours, to Pittsburgh to see them. Back then, they were my third favorite band.

Why the drop in their Personal Band Ranking? Well, for one, they are quite vulgar. Holy shit, are they vulgar as hell. But what really did it to me? They violated one of the unofficial rules of cover songs.

I know it's tough creativity-wise for artists to come up with new material. But, I'm sorry, I hate when a band plays another song originally created by another band. It's kind of like being a vulture, except for the eating the raw road kill and the flying away when a car drives by and the weird bald head thing. With the exception of those things, it's just like being a vulture because one band is pilfering the creativity that another band killed when it struck it with its pickup truck. I wish there were no such thing as a cover song, but there is. So, now I'll wish that bands would follow some basic guidelines. You know what's coming next, don't you? Yeah, it's the guidelines all right:

One cover song per album, please

My favorite album by Rage Against The Machine was Renegades. Ear candy. Know why? It's all cover songs. So, making a product better gets you less style points than making it good the first time around. Ask the drug companies. That's why they have patents that last 17 years. I got a chubby when I heard Reel Big Fish was coming out with a new album January 20th. Ya know what? The album, which can be sampled by clicking here, ha, fooled ya, by clicking here, is nothing but covers. Poo on that! Bands should be limited to one cover song per album. Especially in the ska genre, where it's exceedingly cute and popular to cover old 80's songs. Case in point, RBF's new album features songs originally by Tom Petty, The Eagles and Quiet Riot, which leads to the next rule.

Don't cover songs that were monumentally cool or silly as hell

I'm sorry, I consider Quiet Riot's Mama We're All Crazy Now to be one of those songs that should be granted immunity from being covered, because it was just that cool. Still is, 20+ years later. Conversely, if Fall Out Boy wasn't silly to begin with, they are even sillier for covering Michael Jackson's Beat It. I need to stop there because I am getting emotional. Even The King of Pop gets immunity, that's all I'm sayin'...

Cover songs are less stupid when they cross musical genres

Okay, Beat It aside, it's somewhat intriguing when a band totally different than the original covers a song. Save Ferris' rendition of Come on Eileen is rather cool because the of the presence of the horns that were absent in the original version. But come on, Faith No More covering black Sabbath's War Pigs? What the big whoop? Both are heavy metal bands with a nutsack for a vocalist. Just seems like history repeating itself, which personally, I've had enough of.

Reel Big Fish is coming to a club in Cincinnati of January 15th. I am thinking about personally boycotting the show. So, I am probably not going. And if I do go, which I probably will, I won't enjoy myself as much as I would normally would because they violated these rules of cover songs. And that's very unfortunate because I am SO THERE.