Don't Look In The Basement!

When I was a kid, my parents thought I was old enough to handle a scary movie. So, we went down the mom & pop video store in the closest village and rented Don't Look In The Basement. It was in Beta. It had a booby scene and that was uncomfortable to watch with my Mommy in the room.

Sorry, I lost my point there. I remember being in my pj's eating popcorn and yelling at the actors on the TV "Don't look in the basement! Don't you know that's the title of the movie!?". Well, guess what? They looked in the basement, and there was a ghost, zombie, alien or Amway salesperson or something down there and it didn't work out too cool.

I experienced something similar on my recent trip to see my Dad . I looked in the basement...

...and I think what I saw made me realize I'm going to have the starring role in the horror/tragedy Guy Who Has To Clean All This Shit Up Someday.

I should have never looked in the friggin' basement.

So, what's all down there? Lots o' stuff. My brother helped me take inventory since I'm kinda afraid to go down there. But if you dare, you'll find thousands of beer cans lining the ceiling, three crutches (in case anybody with three legs hurts one of them), 30 cans of baked beans, 3 microwave ovens, 17 cases of "freakin' nuts", 6 tub and tile epoxy kits (that'll fix dad for about 60 years because he only has one bathtub), countless vacuum cleaners and last but not least, a fish bowl with 30 ping pong balls in it, one of which has a skull and crossbones drawn on it in pen that reads "kill Mickey". It must have been the ball of choice for one of our famous ping-pong grudge matches. Yeah, there's a ping pong table down there, you just can't see it.

This all begs the question "what is the guy gonna do with all this stuff?" and "how much does a jumbo size dumpster cost?". Those questions remain to be answered at a later time. Hopefully, much later.

But I gotta hand the guy this; if you're in a pinch and need of a microwave oven or a can of beans, a vacuum cleaner, a cardboard box or even a dead mouse, Dad can fix you up without ever having to leave the house.

A lathe...he has a freakin' industrial lathe down there...

I love you Dad. But not your basement.