MS Vista Needs Permission To Bite Me

I bought a laptop. It’s black. It’s a Compaq. I mean HP. Wait, I think those are the same company now. Ah, it doesn’t matter because pretty soon everything will be the same company and my next computer will be probably be made by Taco Bell. It also has Microsoft’s brand new brain-teasing operating system; Windows Vista version 6.6.6. For once, I felt like I was ahead of the technology curve and I felt so cool. I’ll be sure to include that in my suicide note.

Change is different

Vista has some new features that I appreciate. Like the circley-orb-thingy. The circley-orb-thingy is a new item that replaces the hourglass-thingy. It is a new and progressive way to tell you “your computer is confused”. So, now when my computer hangs up, I have something new and exciting to look at. Pfeh. Nobody uses the hourglass anymore. It was time for change.

But, Bill Gates, why you gotta do me like ‘dat?

Too much change changes too much. For example, I used to be awesome at Excel. I could Excel circles around people and populate cells like nobody’s business. I was thinking of entering a national tournament. My secret weapon was the “edit fill” tool. This allowed me to fill cells with beaurocratic details at rapid-fire speed. I could edit fill down, edit fill up, edit fill sideways and edit fill 3 dimensions outwardly. I had a black belt in edit fill from the Excel Dojo. But with the new version of excel, do you know where “edit fill is”?

I’m really asking…”do you know where edit fill is?”…cus I have no effin’ clue.

Edit disappeared. Someone at Microsoft must have ctrl-X’ed it. So, I’ve now been demoted to an Excel orange belt and I must re-train myself back to form by spending countless hours in the MS dojo. And, this makes me want to go Bruce Lee on somebody with nunchakus.

Micro*Mart Sucks

This is all like when you come back from vacation and you go back to your regular grocery store and they have changed all the shelves around. You go to the shelf where you normally went to buy a can of edit-fill and it ain’t there. Then, you try to find a clerk to ask and there ain’t any clerks. So, you circle around the store seven times. After a half an hour or so, you finally find it, but you’re so demoralized you go and buy yourself a case of Lemonade Tycoon.

Time to check out! Damn. Now they’ve changed the checkout aisle. There used to be a sign there that read “check out” in English. But now, we have to accommodate everybody in america who habla espanol and high school graduates who can't read rest room signs without moving their lips. So, there’s just some funky symbol there and I have a hunch it's directing me to the checkout aisle.

This all pisses me off so much that I’m considering taking my business to Linux*Mart. But, that place is wayyyy too weird for me. They let people bring in their own items and sell penguins in the poultry section.

Where to from here?

There’s no free market. I’m stuck with Vista. So, I might as well learn it. But until then, they can kiss my Microsoft Orifice!