Mickey Goes To The Doctor

Today I went to the doctor. I haven't been to the doctor in 5 years.

But, I woke up this morning and I was surprised to discover my eyes were glued shut.

Instantly, I thought to myself "who glued my eyes shut?". I thought it might be my roommate. But, oops, I remembered I wasn't in college and no one plays pranks like that on me anymore.

I managed to wipe off some dried eye-goo, open my eyes and look in the mirror to discover they are blood red. Since I hadn't taken any overnight plane flights I figured it was somehow related to the cold I have had for the past 6 days. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention; I had a cold for like...the past...6 days. I treated it by promptly ignoring it and training hard on my bike. I think that's what most doctors would recommend. Well, maybe 4 out of 5 doctors would say I should rest. But, I appreciate that 5th rebel doctor who doesn't recommend Crest toothpaste and who says you should ignore a cold and pretend it's not there.

I went to work and I knew people were noticing my beet red eyes. Wanna know how I knew? They were making the Catholic "sign of the cross" at me and walking away from me really fast. I figured it was time to break down and schedule a doctor's appointment.

I have a friend who is a physician. His name is Dr. John Sawvel. He speaks English goodly and is also a personal friend. You should go see him because he's really nice. Only go see him if you live in Dayton. He's good, but he's not that good. He's also not available until 9am tomorrow. So, don't go right out and see him right now because he's busy. I figured I should get into the doctor as soon as possible because I am walking around with "Satan eyes" and scaring children. I asked for someone who I could see right now. Instead, of Dr. Sawvel, I got (I'm not making this up)...

...Dr. Kwabena Owsu-Dekyi. I just read that off the prescription.

I told my boss I had to leave early and I headed straight out to meet Dr. thing-I-just-said. He was nice. He greeted me and shook my hand. Red flags went up in my mind "This doctor thinks it's safe to touch my germ-infested hand" but I gave him a chance and he seemed very friendly and very knowledgeable and most importantly, he found the digital rectal exam to be completely unnecessary. I told him I needed red-eye removal and asked him if he could Photoshop it out.

He told me I had conjunctivitis. Because I am very well-informed and a student of human health, I know that this is a condition caused by inflammation of the conjuctiv. He gave me some prescription eye drops which have the oh-so-catchy name: Bleph-10. Sounds like some sort of planet on a science fiction show, doesn't it?

"Captain, set your coordinates for Bleph-10, we must try to escape the rhino viruses!"

I have now tried my first dose of Bleph-10 and I can say with complete confidence:

"Ouch!"

That's because Bleph-10 stings your eyes like a hoochie-mamma.

Dr. Thing-I-said also gave me some Zithromax. This is a pill. I haven't taken any yet but I am thinking I should. I don't wanna show off, but I also know that Zithromax is the best. After all, it's the max amount of Zithro you can find.

Now I am sitting here, typing this and not looking forward to my next dose of Bleph-10.

"Bleph!"

I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,

Mick Kenobi
Master of the Redi Knights