The Plane Truth

So…hey! This is the first time I’ve blogged from 41,000 feet!

Okay. So, I have some weird thoughts about airport security and I need to share because I’ve had three high-altitude beers. Hey, that sounds like a great name for a micro-brew; “High Altitude Beer”. Yeah.

I can bring a pen on board a plane. This is safe. As a matter of fact, I should be using a pen right now to grade papers. For my students, that would not be safe. But, if you do bring liquids, you must put them in a plastic Ziploc bag. I think the Ziploc bag lobby spent some big-league time on Capitol Hill and had some influence on this when they crafted The Patriot Act.

Now, please think with me: If you told me I needed to choose a weapon to board a plane with and I had two choices: a pen or a bottle of aloe vera moisturizing cream, which would you choose? You could stab someone right in the jugular vein with the pen, but with the latter you could only moisturize the skin around the jugular vein.

This all sounds like the beginning stages of a video game, where you haven’t earned enough points to get the cool weapons yet.

Okay, so today I was nervous about the time I had to present my Ziploc baggie full-o’-liquids to the NTA security guy. I’m happy to say, I passed with flying colors! Yay! But the lady in front of me had a one gallon Ziploc bag. Naughty naughty lady! It’s supposed to be a one quart Ziploc bag.

Duh! But, no worries, they swapped her one gallon Ziploc bag out for a one quart Ziploc bag.

*I feel so much safer now*

Like, wow! What if someone would have boarded this plane with a one gallon Ziploc bag? I can’t bear to think of the ramifications. I might have had to drink a fourth high-altitude beer to calm my fears.

Here comes the lightening round because my laptop battery is dying:

The University of Alabama women’s wheelchair basketball team flew on this flight. I shit you not. I saw some of them boarding and some of the got out and walked and pushed their chairs. Maybe they play in a chair even though they don’t have to be in a chair? I have no earthly idea.

I had to pee like crazy about an hour ago. But, I don’t any more. How does that happen? Is my body using my pee for something?

And how is it that the guy next to me is able to sleep the entire time while he’s sitting straight up? I might hate him. Oh boy, I hope he doesn’t wake up and see that I typed that. He’s got a stupid lookin’ hat on too. Hah! Take that, sleepy guy!

I better eat some high-altitude peanuts…to soak up some alcohol.

The sleeping guy’s nuts were on the chair next to me and I grabbed them when he wasn’t looking. I mean his bag of nuts…I mean his bag of honey roasted peanuts. He doesn’t even know he got any because he was sleeping.

See? Ya snooze, ya lose…your nuts!

Bye.