The winning break that was broke

One of the things I don't like about road racing is the "luck factor". That's because I have bad luck. Otherwise, I'd think it was marvey.

Take Sunday, for example. It was the first race of the Ohio Valley Racing spring series. 5 laps of 10 miles around Hueston Woods State park loop. 45 degrees and rainy.

I know what you're thinking: "where can I sign up for that?". I hear ya. We're weird.

We started out with 40 guys in category 3. A relatively small field for the first race of the year. I'm sure that had something to do with the cold and rain.

Before the race, my team meets to discuss strategy. We decided we would try to alternate sending people off in breakaways hoping something would stick.

Breakaway - [breyk-uh-wey] - Noun - When one or more riders ride fast ahead of the pack in hopes of permanently getting away from the rest of the field. In order to accomplish this, you must ride harder than a hoochie-mamma.

When you attempt to break away, you have to ride much harder than the rest of the bunch because you don't have as many riders (or any) blocking the wind for you. Usually, you can only ride this way for a short period of time. So, the element of surprise is vital.

If you find yourself in a break and you have smart teammates who like you in the larger group behind, they will do subtle things to slow the group down so you won't get caught. Usually, they will get to the front of the group and slow down a mile per hour or so. This is called "blocking".

I have smart teammates who like me.

At least they act like they like me because they block for me.

Are you still reading? Thanks. That means a lot to me. I know this might not be very interesting to you. But, it is to me and you're almost to the part with the picture.

Back to yesterday. To make a long story short, the group was whittled down from 40 riders to about 20 as it was very windy and the course has some hills on it. Many riders were falling away from the group because they suffered from a condition we cyclists call "being out of shape". As we marched on, I saw that many breakaway attempts were easily caught, people were not eating or drinking much and I listened to a lot of people complaining about the cold .

So, I decided, my personal strategy would be to sit at the back of the group, be lazy and wait until everybody tires out a bit more. They call this "wheelsucking".

Here's a picture of me demonstrating proper wheelsucking technique:

I suck good wheel.

Why doesn't everybody do this? Because you'll miss the winning breakaway attempt.

And, people are just not very patient. Especially after sitting on their dupas all winter.

Fast forward to the less boring part of this blog:

5 miles to go. Two of who appeared to be the strongest riders take off about 200 meters from the main group. These two guys also have teammates who will block. Everybody seems tired and demoralized because it's raining. There's a hill coming.

It's my time to go. I take off like a hoochie mamma and try to bridge the gap. I catch them.

The stronger of the two guys is a big tall guy so he's a good draft. He and I alternate turns of a about a minute at the front of our group. I pull aside and wait for the third guy to take his turn. He doesn't come around. I assertively tell him (that means yell) for him to come around. He doesn't. He says his legs are cooked and I assertively tell him that's he's fooping up our rythym. Except, I didn't say "fooping".

Foop - [verb] - A word I made up so I wouldn't have to say something naughty.

So, me and the big guy trade turns, but it's too much for two guys to stay away from 17. We get caught right near the finish.

With what I have left in my lactic acid saturated limbs. I bang elbows in a bunch sprint for 13th.

Yay...13th = no prize money.

So, everything seemed great and I made a good move. But who would have thought that the third guy wouldn't work with us? If I'd have known that, I wouldn't have tried.

Maybe next time.

Foop.

More random text message play

Damn. I think I blew another random text message relationship.

This was my third. I have crappy cell phone service and get weirds texts. I view them as random long-distance friendships I just can't seem to make work. To catch you up on my last two:

Molly (local): Stopped talking to me when I prematurely returned an "I love you" and explained the geographical area of the 937 area code.

Unknown (from Kentucky somewhere): Stopped texting me when I asked what his/her favorite color was.

And now I get this today from someone in the NYC area:

Unknown Person: Heeeeeeiiiii

Me: Heeeeeeiiiii yourself!

Unknown Person: Ohh...

Me: Heeeeeeiiii Ohh?

Unknown Person: Wat the ?

Me: Hah?

Unknown Mono Syllabic Person: Wat?

Me: Is a joule per second?

Unknown Repetitive Person: Wat?

Me: I was just pointing out that a 'Watt' is a unit of power and a joule per second. No charge for the physics lesson.

That seems to be where I lost him/her.

I need to be smoother. Bring the physics theory in later in the relationship.

That's where I goofed, right?

Your words be too fancy

I ain't learned much. But, I know one thing; if there's something people need explained to them and that certain something is a cause of stress, this is a not a good time to use all sorts of fancy words to sound smart. That just stresses people out. Sometimes less is more.

I'm reading the instructions on how to prepare my department's budget request. While I'm reading it, I get the distinct impression that someone is trying to appear intelligent. I think I know who it was written by. Let's just call him "Bud Jett". I like Bud. He's a cool guy. But, he wears 3 piece suits and guess what else? An ear "bud" that he keeps on during meetings.

So, Bud's a bit of a poseur, but so aren't we all and he's a nice guy. I just don't like his instructions because I don't want to translate this stuff. Here's what I have translated so far:

What it says: "...all institutions in the state system must demonstrate operational cost efficiencies of 3% per the recently enacted biennial budget of the State of Ohio (H.B. 119)."

What it means: Don't you dare ask for more than 3% increase.

What it says: "We will leverage technology using the web portal to provide an unprecedented look at historical data."

What it means: The numbers you need are on the web.

What it says: "After years of a rather truncated budget process necessitated by external factors such as state budget cuts, the college will return to a more participative model for FY 2009"

What it means: We will let you have a say this year so more people don't quit on us.

What it says: "On the expense side, initial assumptions include an assessment of discretionary line items by budget managers to ensure best allocation of budget resources."

What it means: I wish my penis was two inches longer.

I just needed to vent. Now I can return to a mirthful and convivial state.

The Webkinz are Taking Over

They'll find you in your hidey-hole. Resistance is futile.

My kids have Webkinz now. It was really nice knowing you guys.

Cus, I can't get on the computer anymore. It's a full-time portal to Webkinz world.

Webkinz are these little stuffed animal toys. But, they're not just ordinary stuffed animal toys. Well, actually, yes they are. But, they come with a secret code that allows you access to Webkinz World. This is a web site where you can give your Webkin a name, set up his/her room by buying them stuff with pretend money, blah blah blah...

My daughter's Webkin is a black male cat. She named him "Galeo". That's italian for "I came two letters short of being a famous astronomer".

Galeo's room has been decorated in a baseball motif.



Shhhh! He's sleeping...

Galeo's owner wants to be on the computer all the time. So, I am fine-tuning my negotiation skills. Always negotiate a time limit. "I'll let you on, but for 3o minutes. Ready...go!". That watch with the stopwatch feature was a great investment.

Now, something's gotta come to a head here because Galeo's owner is running out of Webkinz money. You earn additional money by taking quizzes in things like math, etc. Meanwhile, Galeo has become accustomed to a lifestyle of material possession. He wants a backyard, which costs 1,000 Webkin bucks. His owner's balance is 7 bucks. So, somebody's gotta take some serious-ass quizzes or maybe turn to making Webkinphetamine.

This will be the test that will determine if the Webkinz survive my house. Could she be that hooked on the Webkinz that she will sit through all those quizzes to earn more money? Time will tell.

One thing that does not bode well for her: half her genes come from a guy who often loses his focus because of his obsessive compulsion over stuff. I spend hours on eBay because I'm building a road bike and buying components for it. I saw some shimano 9-speed stuff which is brand new but really cheap and just as light as the new 10-speed stuff. I can save a lot of money by getting 9-speed and then I can cash in on some carbon fiber handlebars. Carbon fiber is a bit heavier bit it really dampens out the bumps...

...oh...shit. She's totally screwed.

I should have known it when I told her 30 minutes was up and she looked at me and had swirls in her eyes.

And then, I found this:


This is Galeo's X-ray chart.



As you can see, the legs are in good condition, with the "fapulas" completely intact.




The "ear bones" are in good shape too.

Huh. Even when she's not in Webkinz world, she's thinking about Webkinz world. This indicates, she probably takes after her old man.

So, I won't be too hard on her. I felt the same way the other day when I went to a meeting about hollow-pin chains...uh, I mean...budget. And I'm a relatively productive member of society.

Until I get sidetracked by stuff on the web.



Take blogging, for example...

My latest OCD trip

So, I stumbled upon The Aquabats! a little while ago.

I'll give you the short of it:

• They have super hero alter-egos and dress as such when performing
• Their lyrics are upbeat and positive with just a touch of fecetiousness
• They arose from the third wave ska era and now are more or less "nerd rock"
• They are still together and touring this year

If you'll excuse me, I must attempt to own everything they have ever produced. I have missed so much in the last 10 years...

Here, watch a video:

Bye.

My Easter Bunny Can Kick Your Easter Bunny's Ass!

I have a problem. My family is too generous with my kids on the holidays.

Yeah, I should be happy about this. And, part of me is. But there's also a part of me that says...

"Hey! Nobody gave me all this stuff when I was a kid!".

And it's true. I don't remember receiving any gifts from my grandparents at Christmas or Easter. They would (maybe) give me some money. Only Santa and The Easter Bunny would really give me gifts. I think this made the holidays seem very exciting and unique.

Whelp, for several reasons, my kids get gifts in "waves" on the holidays. We live far way from our parents. Nonetheless, Santa and The Easter Bunny get some stiff competition every year.

This year, the kids had "Christmas" six times. They not only got a visit from Santa, but they got a Christmas gift at the play group party (that isn't even a play group anymore), they had Christmas with my brother's families, with my in-laws, with my Dad and with my Mom.

When we drive back from New York in the winter, there's sparks flying out from under our minivan as it bottoms out from all the weight.

I know, I know...I should be thankful to have such generous people in the family. Also, things are different these days. When I was a kid, there was just the "toy section" at Kmart. Now, there's "Toys R Us" and whole stand-alone stores dedicated to nothing but toys filled with little bed-wetters crying to their mommies about how they want Webkinz.

Argh...Webkins...

I'm afraid my kids will grow up with too much "stuff" and I worry they won't appreciate all the work that goes into acquiring "stuff". Or even worse, it will get them used to the idea that you don't have to work to get "stuff". It just falls in your lap.

And also, I'm supposed to be Santa and The Easter Bunny, dammit!

In two hours, it will be Easter. My family just spent a whole week with the in-laws in Myrtle Beach. And, they already got some Easter stuff from their grandparents...

...and this includes a friggin' Webkin.

Argh...Webkinz...

So, the Easter Bunny heard about this, and he felt threatened. Not to be outdone, he hopped his white, cotteny ass over to the grocery store with the intention of buying some big-ass chocolate Easter Bunnys and a 12-pack of beer. But, he just about laid a few pellets in the aisle when he saw that almost all of the bunnys were damaged.

Almost all of them had their heads and/or ears broken off.

It was like bunny 'nam.

But being the stubborn little rodent that he is, The Easter Bunny pressed on and found two huge chocolate bunny's. They are about two feet tall and they were the only two left in the store that were intact.

So, I dunno what my kids are bringing back from Myrtle Beach. But if it's bunny's, they better be close to two feet tall.

Cus there's some big and buff bunny's sitting next to my kid's bedroom that are gonna kick their cotton-tailed asses!

Happy Easter!

Bachelor Week Recap

A week ago, I drove my family to Charlotte so they could go to Myrtle Beach and stay with the in-laws. My kids have spring break and I don't. So, I flew back to Dayton faced with a week of work and solitude. I'm flying down there tomorrow to pick them up and drive them back.

I feel kinda guilty. It seems like I always get to have all the fun.

Yowee! Strap yourself in and let me tell you about all the crazy stuff I did during my crazy week of temporary bachelorhood:

I made myself funky meals: Whoo hoo! I could cook anything I wanted for myself! My family usually enjoys food with representation from all of the four food groups; cheese, milk, noodles and mac & cheese. In the food pyramid, these items can be located in the "bland" section.

Well, let me tell ya, one day I was in the grocery store produce aisle and I saw some leeks. I love leeks. But, my family would never eat anything that actually grows out of the ground. So, I lived out my wild fantasy and instead of just looking at them, I did what I had always fantasized about...

I took a leek, right then and there.

I also had brussel sprouts last night. I'm sure everybody within a 4 foot radius of me on the tomorrow's plane flight will appreciate that.

I fell asleep with the TV on: Oh yeah baby.

I made some friends: Holy Moley! I made two new pals; Squeek and Goldie. They are the family fish. I was entrusted with the duty of maintaining their life functions. But, I went the extra mile and talked to them a little bit, like ya know, maybe 2-3 hours per day? Somewhere around day five it dawned on me that they are underwater so if I say something like "Hey guys, do you want some food?" it actually translates to "Hebb grrs yebberzz zzrommmm frrr?" underwater.

I talked to them so much I had a dream about Squeek. I dreamed he had hopped out of his bowl and I picked him up so I could throw him back. But, when I did, I squished him to death.

The horror.

But, in reality, Squeek likes me. His eyes always seem to bug out when I'm around. Of course, he is one of those buggy-eyed fish so maybe I shouldn't take credit for that.

I trained on my bike: Maybe to the point of doubling the size of my prostate. Woot.

I did a science demo for old folks: At the assisted living center, and this time, it actually seemed interesting to me.

I can't wait until next year. I think I'll make rutabegas.

Those Bluetooth earbud thingies...

I have a little theory:

Technology separates people more than it connects us.

No way, Mike! You say.

But the truth, I speak. And, like Yoda, I'm talking.

But listen, shall you...as reasons, I give.

* People aren't required to hold the door for each other as much anymore. They open automatically!

* We don't talk to our neighbors. We drive directly into the garage and close the door with our lil' RF automatic garage door closer framus.

And now, saying hello to each other in the hallway is on the endangered list. As if I need more reason to feel insecure in superficial social situations. Now I don't feel like I have the green light to say "hi" to anyone who passes me in the hall if their cell phone is plastered to their noggin'.

And now, people wear Bluetooth mobile phone earbud Klingon thingies. So, it's hard to tell if they even are on the phone or if you have their attention.

Take yesterday in the hall...

Me: "Hey Tony, what's up?"

Tony: "Yeah, that's what I told her, but she's having a hard time even paying her rent..."

Tony dissed me in the hall.

Tony wears a Bluetooth thingy.

I hate Bluetooth thingies.

But, I like Tony.

And therein lies the problem.

Just once, I'd like to be in Tony's ear.

My New Workhorse

I have a complete harem of bikes. Until about a week ago, they were:

Tracy Trek: a Trek 1000, my beater road bike with 17,000+ miles

Suzy Fuji: a Fuji Team 2003, my sub-17 pound road racing ride. She climbs hills like nobody's business

Alice Aloha: a 2006 Fuji Aloha, my time trial racing machine. She's going to earn me another PR this season. She's gonna be there for me when I do my first Ironman.

and...Debby Diamondback (a Diamondback Response, my beater mountain bike. Until recently, she got me to work a few days a week)

Well, Debby has been sick. She suffered from acute rustiosis.

I operated on her several times, replacing her headset and her brake calipers. But as soon as I'd get her healthy again, another part of her would succumb to the terrible effects of metal oxidation.

In her most recent and final battle, it was her bottom bracket. I tried to help her, but I just couldn't perform the operation (damn thing was rusted in there and I couldn't get it out!).

So, I had to put her down today.

* sniff sniff *

She was only about 14,000 miles.

*sniff *

But, I now have Ida. Ida is much like Debby was. She's a different make. She's an Iron Horse. She's not flashy. She has V-brakes and a hardtail, like Debby was.

She's named after my Aunt Ida, who died this winter. "Auntie I", as we called her, wasn't flashy. But, she was built like a brick shithouse and she was a hard worker. She was also very pretty and so is this bulky little machine I bought two days ago.

I had scoped her out in days prior and picked her out. On the day I knew I'd bring her home, I asked my five year old to help me. I told her "please come with daddy and help pick out his next bike. I want one that is black and green."

So, she walked right up to her and picked her out. No other bikes in the store were black and green.

Pretty sneaky, eh?

At least in her five year old mind, she feels like she was the one who picked her out.

Oh, so let's keep that between us. If any of you tells her that I had Ida picked out already...

...I might just kick your ass.

Anyhow, I'm happy to welcome Ida to my stable. She and I got to know each other a bit this morning for about 40 miles in the beautiful sun. Her handlebars were set a bit too high. So, instead of buying a straight bar, I turned the bars upside down...kinda makes her look a bit rebellious.



Ida takes a little bit of Debby along with her. I swapped out Debby's rear mud fender, bottle holder, egg-beater pedals and her cyclecomputer.

Hopefully, this will be the start of something beautiful.

Welcome to the family, Ida.

Soonly, my team is giving me a brand new carbon fiber frame. I get to build this one from the frame up.

Name's already picked out: Nana.

Bye.

The teacher saw my undies!

Today was "Show and tell, letter "U"" at my five-year old's preschool.

This morning, she was asking for ideas about show and tell items.

So, I gave her a pair of my tighty-whities.

I gave her one of the nice pairs, without holes in them...

...ya know, because I want to be a good role model.

Wow!...stuff!

The weather has kept me under house arrest. I've been putting in a lot of miles in my garage going zero miles per hour on my resistance trainer that attaches to the rear wheel of my bike.

I can picture in my head every little detail of my garage door.

So, when global warming gave us almost 60 degrees Sunday, I headed out for my favorite hill training ride out to Miamisburg and back. When I get there, I do loops where I ride up Linden ave, which is .75 miles at 10-15%, then I ride down I-725 which is like longer and less steep and I can hit like 45 mph, rinse and repeat 5-7 times until I feel like I'm going to toss my cookies. Miamisburg seems friendly. This is because I've had numerous people give my a "friendly honk" while I'm climbing the hill, which way beats people throwing a Big Mac at me or yelling "Fag!".

I'm so glad I ride a road bike. I would never see a tenth of the stuff I see if I was still running.

Like:

The fork in the road: Literally, I saw a fork in the middle of the road. Someone had dropped it there. That struck me as cute.

Buzz Returns: This summer, I noticed a toy Buzz Lightyear doll. For months, he was always at the same spot on the side of the road at the exact point on the hill where it kicks up to 15%. Seeing Buzz was my cue to find my 25 tooth cog and grunt it through the last part of the climb. I figured there was no way that he would have survived the winter and all the snow plows. But, yesterday, I saw Buzz! I had to look for him for a while but I spotted him a little closer to the curb and a little further up the hill. But, he survived the winter. My hero.

Niave cat owner: Lots of people were out Sunday, including a cat owner who was trying to walk a cat. The cat was sitting back on it's haunches and having none of that while the silly owner tugged on it's neck and tried to make it move. I concluded that this person has not yet learned basic cat behavior.

A photographer: shooting a photo of a plastic cup that someone threw on the ground. I dunno...

A sad person sitting by the side of the road: head in hands, ostensibly crying while a person waited in a car by the road. I wish I could paint. Ironically, this was happening right in the same exact spot I got smacked in the head with a low-flying bird. Coincidence? I hope so.

A falling dead bird: Speaking of birds, on my 60th and final mile, a dead Robin just up and drops out of a tree and almost falls on me. I looked around and saw that a hawk flying away that had dropped it.

In conclusion, I'm too lazy to write a poignant ending to this blog. But, I like seeing stuff like this and it's one of the reasons I love my bikey so much.

I should probably do some work.

Bye.

Remember to vote March 4th!

For Very Silly Party Candidate:

Malcolm Peter Brian Telescope Adrian Umbrella-stand Jasper Wednesday *Pop* Stoatgobbler John Raw Vegetable *Grunt* Arthur Norman Michael *Squeak* Featherstone Smith *Whistle* Northcott Edwards Harris *Gunshot* WOOOOOOOOOOO Nason(?) *chuff chuff chuff* Frampton Jones Fruitbat Norbert *singing* *3 gunshots* Williams If-I-Could-Walk-That-Way Jenkins *Some sort of whoopy thing* Tiger-Draws Pratt Thompson "Raindrops keep falling on ma head" Darcy Carter *Horn* Pussycat "Don't sleep in the Subway" Barton Mannering *Pip* *Squeal* Smith!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31FFTx6AKmU




Jethro Q. Walrus-Titty from the Silly Party is no slouch either...