Your words be too fancy

I ain't learned much. But, I know one thing; if there's something people need explained to them and that certain something is a cause of stress, this is a not a good time to use all sorts of fancy words to sound smart. That just stresses people out. Sometimes less is more.

I'm reading the instructions on how to prepare my department's budget request. While I'm reading it, I get the distinct impression that someone is trying to appear intelligent. I think I know who it was written by. Let's just call him "Bud Jett". I like Bud. He's a cool guy. But, he wears 3 piece suits and guess what else? An ear "bud" that he keeps on during meetings.

So, Bud's a bit of a poseur, but so aren't we all and he's a nice guy. I just don't like his instructions because I don't want to translate this stuff. Here's what I have translated so far:

What it says: "...all institutions in the state system must demonstrate operational cost efficiencies of 3% per the recently enacted biennial budget of the State of Ohio (H.B. 119)."

What it means: Don't you dare ask for more than 3% increase.

What it says: "We will leverage technology using the web portal to provide an unprecedented look at historical data."

What it means: The numbers you need are on the web.

What it says: "After years of a rather truncated budget process necessitated by external factors such as state budget cuts, the college will return to a more participative model for FY 2009"

What it means: We will let you have a say this year so more people don't quit on us.

What it says: "On the expense side, initial assumptions include an assessment of discretionary line items by budget managers to ensure best allocation of budget resources."

What it means: I wish my penis was two inches longer.

I just needed to vent. Now I can return to a mirthful and convivial state.