The Unofficial Rules of Cover Songs

I'm kinda mad at my seventh favorite band. Yeah, I said seventh favorite band. I rank my bands. I could do it off the top of my head right now. You got a problem with that? Being in touch with my inner feelings for a band helps me decide how far I am willing to drive to see them. So, I keep a mental file which we shall call the personal band ranking (PBR).

I may have OCD.

Coincidentally, PBR is also what the kids drink at the clubs where the bands play (Pabst Blue Ribbon).

For example, said band is a ska/punk band named Reel Big Fish. Nothing to do with Squeek the Fish. A couple of years ago, I drove almost 4 hours, to Pittsburgh to see them. Back then, they were my third favorite band.

Why the drop in their Personal Band Ranking? Well, for one, they are quite vulgar. Holy shit, are they vulgar as hell. But what really did it to me? They violated one of the unofficial rules of cover songs.

I know it's tough creativity-wise for artists to come up with new material. But, I'm sorry, I hate when a band plays another song originally created by another band. It's kind of like being a vulture, except for the eating the raw road kill and the flying away when a car drives by and the weird bald head thing. With the exception of those things, it's just like being a vulture because one band is pilfering the creativity that another band killed when it struck it with its pickup truck. I wish there were no such thing as a cover song, but there is. So, now I'll wish that bands would follow some basic guidelines. You know what's coming next, don't you? Yeah, it's the guidelines all right:

One cover song per album, please

My favorite album by Rage Against The Machine was Renegades. Ear candy. Know why? It's all cover songs. So, making a product better gets you less style points than making it good the first time around. Ask the drug companies. That's why they have patents that last 17 years. I got a chubby when I heard Reel Big Fish was coming out with a new album January 20th. Ya know what? The album, which can be sampled by clicking here, ha, fooled ya, by clicking here, is nothing but covers. Poo on that! Bands should be limited to one cover song per album. Especially in the ska genre, where it's exceedingly cute and popular to cover old 80's songs. Case in point, RBF's new album features songs originally by Tom Petty, The Eagles and Quiet Riot, which leads to the next rule.

Don't cover songs that were monumentally cool or silly as hell

I'm sorry, I consider Quiet Riot's Mama We're All Crazy Now to be one of those songs that should be granted immunity from being covered, because it was just that cool. Still is, 20+ years later. Conversely, if Fall Out Boy wasn't silly to begin with, they are even sillier for covering Michael Jackson's Beat It. I need to stop there because I am getting emotional. Even The King of Pop gets immunity, that's all I'm sayin'...

Cover songs are less stupid when they cross musical genres

Okay, Beat It aside, it's somewhat intriguing when a band totally different than the original covers a song. Save Ferris' rendition of Come on Eileen is rather cool because the of the presence of the horns that were absent in the original version. But come on, Faith No More covering black Sabbath's War Pigs? What the big whoop? Both are heavy metal bands with a nutsack for a vocalist. Just seems like history repeating itself, which personally, I've had enough of.

Reel Big Fish is coming to a club in Cincinnati of January 15th. I am thinking about personally boycotting the show. So, I am probably not going. And if I do go, which I probably will, I won't enjoy myself as much as I would normally would because they violated these rules of cover songs. And that's very unfortunate because I am SO THERE.

Finis

I can't just sit here and not express my gratitude...

Now hopefully, moving on to a poo-unrelated subject.

Sqeek the Fish is OK

I received good news from the fine folks at Tetra. Squeek is going to be just fine.


This is the best Christmas EVER!

I never thought an email containing the word "mucousy" would make me so happy.

Squeek The Fish Has an Intestinal Problem

In the last episode of Mick's Domestic Animal Kingdom, Mick rescued the two family fish from certain death when the cat tipped their bowl over.

The cat has since been castrated and things now seem to be going quite smoothly, except when he poops on the couch in protest.

Goldie, the goldfish has recovered completely. But, Squeek, the Black Moor has since encountered problems controlling his bowels. I thought this to be a one-time effect after his Near Fishy Death Experience (NFDE), but it seems the problem is here to stay...


Geez.

I wanna reach in there and yank it off of him. But, I'm afraid I might pull out his large intestine. I especially feel bad for him because fish supposedly have a three second memory, which means he thinks "Oh man, I have a huge string of poo hanging off me!" and then he forgets about and then thinks "Oh, man, I have a huge string of poo hanging off me!" and then he forgets about it...

Whelp, you can't tell from the photo, but some of his fully four inches of fishy-poo is colored white, which for my European friends, means "coloured white".

This begs the question; "What about Squeek's diet causes him to have some brown colored poo and some white colored poo? He eats the same damn thing every day. No?

Here at The Aquademic Institute of Fish Poo Studies, we ask the tough questions about fish poo and we courageously seek answers to those questions using a protocol we like to call Fish Poo Follow-Through.

So, we contacted the manufacturer of Squeek's fish food, Tetra via their online feedback.

We submitted the question: "My Black Moor (Squeek) has HUGE dangling fish poo, like 4 inches. Wow! Why is some white? It seems that would uncomfortable for him, wouldn't it?"

They didn't answer. But, we at the Aquademic Institute don't give up that easy. So, we emailed them again, posing a more legit-sounding question:

"Hi, I sent you an email about my Black Moor's white and voluminous poop. I'm wondering if it's the food. I am worried it is making him sick and I need to switch to another brand. Thanks, Mike."

And we anxiously await their reply.

I'll see your drunk fan and raise you a QB!

Tattletales: NFL teams ask for text messages about rowdy fans

By Chris Chase

Drunk and unruly fans are a huge problem in NFL stadiums. Between the drinking, the cursing, the fights, the cursing, the stumbling and the cursing, NFL games provide as much of a kid-friendly atmosphere as a night out with Plaxico Burress. But now, NFL teams think they have developed a technique to curb boorish, abusive behavior at games: tattling.

At 29 of the NFL's 32 stadiums, fans can now send a text message to report disorderly conduct of nearby fans. The texts are received by stadium security, who address the situation and determine if the offending fan should receive a warning or ejection.

Awesome! I love passive aggression. It's so much easier than aggressive aggression.

But I envision something even better; might we also send them text messages if our team sucks and have them removed?

That'll come in so handy when J.P. Losman throws another interception.

Yeah!

Sagging Economy Forces Workforce Reductions at Santa's Workshop

North Pole, Dec 18th, 2008

The recession has demonstrated it's far reach this year, claiming among it's latest victims, The North Pole. Factory orders at Santa's Workshop are down 40% from last year, forcing cuts in it's labor force.

"I haven't worked in 3 months!" an undisclosed worker said. "My training is too narrow, and it's not exactly easy to get hired as an elf anywhere but The North Pole."

Other laid-off workers are not very hopeful they can find work with the Easter Bunny. Because, no one knows where he lives.

"We saw this before in the 2001, right after the launch of ISanta.com." said Kris Kringle, Chief Executive Officer. "We'll just ride it out. Until then, we're striving for a leaner Santa's Workshop, one that thrives on Elficiency. Our costs of operation are much higher this year. Reindeer run on fodder, not oil!"

"Elficiency, elficiency, elficiency. That's all we hear about!" an undisclosed worker quipped. "We think we've been treated unfairly and ever since the scandal, there's been a deterioration in regards to how management communicates with the workers."

Santa's Workshop was rocked by scandal last month when Kringle faced charges of verbal assault for allegedly calling someone a "Ho" three times. Charges were eventually dropped.

Meanwhile, the Union members have called for a Dec 24th emergency meeting of The International Brotherhood Guild Organization of December (IBGOOD).

"Christmas will go on!" said Kringle. "Despite the expense, we're going ahead with toys for the good children and clean coal technology for the ones who've been bad."

Rudolph was not available for comment.

Maybe, it would be better if you fired the cable guy...

Before I say negative things about the cable TV company, which you or a family member might be employed by, I don't want you to feel like you should have to read this or agree with me.

That's Cognitive Therapy in action. Good stuff. I stumbled upon some of Aaron Beck's stuff in the library. It was next to a book that had the word "sex" in the title. One technique from I learned CT was to to avoid the imperatives "should" or "should not". These are classic thinking errors that trap an limit your behavior. The late Albert Ellis thought we would be better off if we banished "should" from our vocabularies and replaced it with "it would be better if...".

As in, it would be better if I started making my point soon.

My point is that we are in a global financial crisis! Ahhhhhhhh! Look outside your window right now! What do you see? Pretty much the same thing you always do. Only, it's not worth as much as it used to be. And, that's bad, for all of us. My previous literary work, "Bake Yo Ass a Chicken" addressed our serious need to cut costs by making your own meals.

If more of us than ever find ourselves in a state of financial turmoil, it would be better if we could all cut some costs here and there. Are we doing this as well as we can? No. How do I know? Because Time Warner Cable company is estimated to make a profit of 1.28 billion dollars in 2008, up from 1.12 billion in 2007. So, for americans, the global economic crisis apparently hasn't hit home hard enough to make us stop watching cable TV and spend our evenings selling our possessions on eBay.

I used to have cable TV back in the 90's. One year, I gave up TV for Lent and disconnected the cable. I've never been back. I have an aerial antenna on the roof of my house. It seems rather geriatric for a guy who is only 40 years of age. But, then again, I liked Old Spice Scented wipes. So, maybe I'm just ahead of my years.

I haven't missed cable TV that often. As a matter of fact, I'm very happy not to have it. I'm saving a lot of money by getting my TV through the electromagnetic waves traversing the air that for the moment, are still free of charge. I don't watch much TV, but what I watch, I am more pleased with.

A couple of years ago, a sales guy from Dish Network came by my house and caught me working in the yard. He knew I wasn't a customer with them, so he asked what cable package I had. Resisting some sort of funny joke like "I'll show you what cable package I have!", I just told him "none". He looked at me, puzzled as if I was plowing through life having some sort of basic need unfulfilled. He asked me "How do you get your TV?" as if it was some sort of heroin fix. I pointed at the aerial antenna. He seemed to have serious pity for me.

I hope this blog finds you in a state of financial bliss. But, if it doesn't, stopping cable service is one of those decisions that is starting to tip the risk/reward ratio in your favor. It costs a lot of money and now there are other alternatives. So, by no means am I saying you "should" cut off your cable. But, for what I view as some valid-ass reasons, it might very well be better if you did...

Cable TV is expensive

How expensive? I don't know! That's how expensive. I have searched the Time Warner Cable web site and find no specific info on pricing. So, I online chatted with a customer service rep and got no real answer except to call back during business hours.

But, I remember what standard cable TV service cost in the 90's. It wasn't cheap, on the order of $50 a month.

Dish Network is only $25 a month for 26 channels. Not much, eh?

But, what if you had to save for a child's college education and decided to funnel all the money you spent on Dish Network into that child's education fund instead?

Yeah, what if you procreated right now (please take a break from reading this if you actually are) and 19 years later that kid needed to go to college? $25 a month would be $300 a year. $300 a year compounded over 19 years at a modest 3% would be $7,745.79! To clarify for my European friends, that's 7,745.79 dollars!

Granted, the kid is going to community college. But, that's a lot of money for a few more channels.

A $50 a month package compounded over 19 years buys a half a year's tuition at Harvard.

DTV ain't bad

I have a digital TV receiver. It has good reception. I have 10 channels including a weather station and four PBS channels! I watched a documentary last night about penguins. Did you know they could slide on their bellies instead of walking? I wouldn't have learned that on ESPN where I'd be watching the Pittsburgh Penguins.

In my opinion, all of the good shows are on network TV. And with my DTV receiver, I have all those channels for the low monthly cost of NOTHIN'!.

Other Alternatives

If you're missing your favorite game, there's always www.channelsurfing.net where you can catch games that aren't televised, even on cable. If you're a non-sports person, you can watch a gazillion pre-recorded shows on Hulu.com.

Supporting Cable is anti-free market

I would like to believe we americans still believe in a free market society. My local cable company has no direct competition. That's what, in so many terms, we call a monopoly. Yes, Time Warner has indirect competition. Apparently, it's not direct enough to rival NOTHIN' per month.

Oops, I need to close soon. I forgot to write out my monthly check for NOTHIN' to the atmosphere, where I get my TV. So, let's just review...

In Summary

* You should never say "should"

* Denying yourself cable TV could fund community college

* Time Warner Cable will still do just fine without you. Making billions.

* There's other stuff out there to help you get your fix

* Viva free market!

Now, you should go enjoy the rest of your day.

Me vs. Me

2007 miles: 8,877
2008 miles to date: 8,859

If this rain clears up, I'll be able to ride to work and pass my last year self.

On your left, me 2007!

(slacker)

Shit They Don't Make No More

There sure is a lot of stuff around. Have you noticed all the stuff all over? It's everywhere.

With Christmas approaching, it's hard not to dwell on some of the consumer items that have fallen by the wayside. In some cases, this would a good thing. Like, margarine developed by Lee Iacocca. What's up with that?

But in some cases, it is a bad, bad, horrible nasty thing.

I miss some products. And this makes me sad.

*sigh*

Case in point, what happened to these wonderful things? Read below and then please tell me. In that order, please.

Slime

Remember Slime? Ok, maybe you're too young to remember Slime. Slime was this wonderfully viscous sensation in a can that could provide hours, maybe even days of juvenile, goopy entertainment. You could poke your finger into it and make it disappear while the air slipped out and made a tooty noise. You could take it out of the can, place the big glob of it on your finger tips, hold your hand upright and after about 5 minutes, it would slowly ooze down your hand, coating all of your fingers. OK, now everybody make that kiddie "ooooooooooh" sound. That's the reaction for everything involving Slime. Who knew guar gum could be so much fun? Then, when the whole concept became sort of stale, they came out with Slime with rubber worms in it, Slime with Eyeballs, Slime with Bugs and Masters of The Universe Slime! Yeeaaahhhh!

So, this stuff was awesome. Why did they stop producing it? I am afraid I know the answer to that. Why do they stop making any good toy? Because some dumb ass kid hurt himself with it. The only question I have is...how? Yeah, how did some kid injure himself with guar freaking gum?

I'm sorry, I have to stop there. I'm getting emotional.

Old Spice Scented Wipes

Why did they stop making these? Are there less people with body odor these days? I don't think so. Actually, this must be a classic case of poor marketing because this was a truly superior product. When I ride my bike to work, I must transform myself from a stinky, sweaty latex-wearin' cycle-monkey into a well groomed, musky smelling educational professional in minutes. It's kind of like doing a "reverse Superman". Back in the days when Old Spice made scented wipes, I could wipe myself off with a few of these in my "target stinky zones" and be done. Destinkified and perfumified in one easy step, I would emerge pretty and sweet smelling. Ladies I work with have commented!

Now, I must destinkify myself with baby wipes, which do not make me smell like a man. They make me smell like a toddler who has shat his diapers. Then, I have to spray myself with TAG or AXE or BOD or some sort of three letter spray that comes in a metal can that makes me smell like I'm trying wayyyy to hard.

It's all so wrong now. Damn you, Old Spice!

Shlitz

Actually, this wasn't really very good beer. I just used to like to get it once in a while because of the funny name. And so, I miss it.

Chocolate Cool Whip

What's the best food in the world? Right. Cool Whip. What's the best flavor in the world? Correct again, chocolate. Now what do you get when you combine the light and creamy goodness of Cool Whip with the most wonderful delectible flavor in the world? Chocolate Freakin' Cool Whip!

Now, where the hell do you find it? I don't know. I saw it once and I bought like 5 containers of it. Now, I can't find it anywhere. I would drive up to 50 miles for it. So, where did I go to find out? Where all curious minds go to find out about Cool Whip www.coolwhip.com

Ya know what's a kick in the pants? They still make it. I just can't find it anywhere.

And, what's worse than something you can't have? Knowing someone else has it.

Come back to me, Chocolate Cool Whip.
I miss you.

Tales From The Fish Box

I don't know why I keep saying "yes". But, here at Mick's Kiddie Zoo, I am now partly responsible for three living creatures; two fish (named Squeek and Goldie) and a cat (Toonces).

Toonces the cat has quite the repertoire of tricks which include but are not limited to:

* Tip over the half full beverage
* Make loud whining noises at 4:30am
* Pounce on me in bed while digging claws into my legs

and now, my all time favorite...jump on the counter and try to eat the fish.

All of these behaviors are firmly disciplined with the Feline Soakerator 2000. It's a specially designed precision apparatus that looks somewhat like a spray bottle. Actually, between us...it's just a spray bottle.

Two days ago. I rescued both fish from certain peril. I'll tell you the story.

Once upon a time, Mick came into the kitchen and noticed there was water all over the floor. He figured he had reverted back to the time in his life when he enjoyed the wonderful freedom of being able to leave cups of water unattended for more than a minute and the kitty had taken advantage of his inattentiveness.
In fact kitty had, but this time, it was the fish bowl kitty had tipped over. It's actually a rectangle, not a bowl, but can we address that later? Or, how about never?

So, Mick looked in the bowl and what did he see? Two motionless fish laying there at the bottom of their home which was now bone dry. Mick's heart sunk immediately. After all, it's a long trip to the department store where he can buy two more fish that look exactly like that. Because Mick is a quick thinker and good in crisis situations, he sensed the fish needed water to live. Quickly, he turned the water on and poured some ambient temperature water into the strange rectangular fish container.

Viola! The fish started to move around! And later on, it was like nothing had happened. It's two days since and they seem just fine.

Mick figured he either had gotten there are the exact right moment to save their fishy lives, or he posessed strange, paranormal fish-healing powers. Well, let me tell you, it's the former. He tried waving his hands over a piece of frozen cod and nothing happened.

Mick was disappointed because he thought fish-healing was going to be his big break in life.

Anyhow, the whole incident disrupted poor Squeek the Fish's plumbing. Like, you when one has surgery or and extended stay in the hospital and things just don't..."move" quite right? That's what happened to Squeek the Fish.

How did Mick know?

Well, look at this honker...


"No wonder Squeeks eyes are bugging out!", Mick said to himself. "Sheesh! Must be hard to swim around dragging that thing behind him."

So, that's the story of how Mick saved his fish from certain death and one of the fish became constipated as a result.

The End.

2008 MAC Championship

Happy Win Day!

Tom From Math Bakes His Own Cookies

Friday, Dec 5th, 2008: Dayton, OH

The 2008 Science, Mathematics and Engineering Division's holiday party featured something new this year; oatmeal cookies baked by none other than Tom the math prof.

Tom arrived a bit late, touting a wicker basket topped with a wholesome woven cover which had a plaid design. Immediately upon arrival, Tom offered cookies to those sitting at the tables on the north side of the building.

They were oatmeal. The general consensus was a desire for chocolate chip and some think this has generated some cynicism toward the cookies and their suspected baker.

"His wife probably makes those for him" an undisclosed source reported.

The cookies were generally enjoyed and consumed in their entirety by those at the table. But Tom was spotted carrying some left over cookies out with him toward the parking ramp as he exited work for the day.

At this point, a source very close to the publisher of this article, so close in fact that he is the publisher, was able to approach Tom and inquire about the origin of the baked goods.

"I made them myself!" said Tom proudly, dashing the rumors that he received his assistance from his spouse. "I enjoy experimenting with things at home and now baking is my sort of focus", he elaborated.

Tom's math teaching record is well established. But, he seems to be donning the baking mitts with great enthusiasm.

"I'm Impressed!" said Llana Combs, Administrative Assistant for Chemistry and Geology.

Sources say the cookies were a bit dry but "Not too bad for a math guy".

Tom's wife was not available for comment.

Iceland Struggling to Recover From Bankruptcy

Reykjavik, Iceland, December 3rd, 2008:

A couple of months ago, The Republic of Iceland shocked the world when it declared bankruptcy.

Things looked quite bleak, to say the least. The country's chief export, whale blubber, was in tight supply because global warming has heated the ocean considerably. This caused whales to grow a much thinner layer of fat below their skin because they didn't need the insulation from the frigid ocean water. Production of whale blubber reached its peak shortly after the release of the film Free Willy.

"We remember those hey days with great fondness." said Nigel McFrigidity, Mayor of the small settlement of Brr. "Now, whale blubber is so scarce, we must find other ways to create income for this great frozen island of a nation."

But, Iceland has shown the ability to innovate. Help is arriving with the increased global demand for natural frozen water (Ice). Unlike ice commercially available in most retail establishments, Iceland frozen water is naturally and organically frozen, not brought below 32 degrees Fahrenheit via use artificial methods.

"Our ice is frozen naturally and never thawed." Said Charles Chillwilly, CEO of Ice, Ice, Baby, Inc.

But skeptics of this sudden ice boom are quite skeptical. And, people from miles around, are miles away.

"It won't last forever. Peak Ice Production is right around the corner and then naturally frozen ice will demand a much higher market price", said Seymour Nips, Professor of Finance at the Nordic Institute of Microeconomdicks. "Before long, global warming will have taken it's toll here as well".

Until then, the people of this country will investigate other ways to generate cold, hard cash.

Walkie Talkie