Holiday Failure 101

I'm getting a slow start on the holidays this year. So slow that I haven't started. I haven't shopped and I haven't decorated.

I'm so far behind, I feel liberated. A lot of folks I know are very stressed out right now because they have shopped, wrapped, trimmed, party-planned and baked their way into a cardiac infarction.

It's so much easier to give up. Come on, I'll show you how!

Screw Light Bulbs

It used to be my job to put up lights outside. I resigned. Holy cannoli, my neighbors go crazy on this stuff. They put up so many lights I don't feel it's worthwhile to even compete. You can see my neighbors houses from the space shuttle. Dayton Power and Light just completed construction on a brand new coal-fired generation plant just to power my street. As we speak, the employees there are staring at dials all pegged to the right and high-fiving each other.

I have a string of lights. They are the old fashioned green, blue and red kind. Nobody uses them anymore, including me. These lights stand up to a lot of harsh conditions including sleet, rain and snow. However, their real weak point is their ability conduct electricity from one bulb to the other. If it wasn't for that, they would be grand. My string of lights is about 50 feet long and there's maybe a 2 foot section in the middle that actually light up. So, instead of doing something festive, like decorating the door on the mailbox, I gave up.


Shop at a Mall That Is Next Door To Your Favorite Bar

I tried to shop at the mall the other day. After encountering many parking spaces that were already pre-parked-in for my holiday convenience, I finally infiltrated the mall through one of the ritzy department stores. At this point I was surrounded and attacked by women in wearing lab coats and makeup 3 inches deep. They were carrying bottles of fragrances in holsters under the lab coats. These new and exciting fragrances have creepy names like "Restraining Order" by Calvin Klein and "Aneurysm" by Christian Dior. The lab coat ladies were macing people with them. These blasts produce a toxic atmosphere consisting of 21 parts oxygen and 79 parts perfume. So, I turned tail and fled. The ladies in the lab coats chased me, but I lost them by hiding under a clothing rack and standing still until they went away.

I went outside for a whiff of fresh air and saw my favorite bar. So, the rest of my evening was decided. Hell if I'm going to pollute myself, I'd rather it be with pints of beer than volatile organic coumpounds.

I will try again another day.

Ho ho ho.