Tales From The Potty

I just went potty.

But wait, there's more!

When other people are in there are going doo-doo, why is everyone else so much slower than me? Like, what are they doing in there? Am I missing any steps? After my bike ride to work and my daily Starbucks, my colon tells me it's "showtime" and there is no arguing that point. I can get my business done in like, 3 minutes. So, why is the dude in the stall next to me taking so long? What's going on in there? I should peek my head over and ask. On the other hand, maybe peeking my head under would be more private. It's the same say with ATM's. I always get behind someone who is setting up an IRA account or somethin'.

Actually, it's not like ATM's that much because ATM's are much cleaner and you don't have to pull your pants down, most of the time.

So, back to bathroom stuff. Why do some dudes not use the urinals and then go in the stalls and stand and spray pee all over the seat? I understand the "shy bladder" thing. Then hey, lift the damn seat, huh? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say there's a reason for shyness and it has something to do with the "sprayer" not being very close to the target, if you now what I mean. How about just close the door and sit down? Nobody's gonna know. They'll just think you're a quick doo-doo-er like me.

You know what's embarassing? When you come in to use the urinal in a public bathroom and there's some other dudes there. So, you pick a urinal far away from them because you always have to have the "buffer urinal" so no one things you're gay. Then more dudes with full bladders arrive and all the urinals fill up. But everyone else gets done first and then the only two left are you and the guy next to you. That's sorta uncomfortable for me. Sometimes I feel like I should ease the tension by introducing myself and shaking the guy's hand or something. But, there's no way to wash my hand first, so I don't.

I'm almost done. I hope none of you were eating lunch. This is too much information, isn't it. Damn the torpedoes! I ain't quittin' now.

My favorite bathroom memory: There was a year when I attended the same elementary school as my brothers. My brother's class had a "potty break" at the same time I did. At home my brother always pulled his pants down to his knees to go pee. I guess he didn't know you aren't supposed to do that in public. So, when I walked by to exit the bathroom, I saw all these young boys lined up at the urinal and my brother along with them. But my brother stood out from the rest because his pants were pulled down to his knees and his bare ass was showing. How cute is that? I won't say which brother it was in case they read this. And, they are bigger than me.

Okay, I think I'm empty now. I mean on thoughts. Well actually in many ways.

Take care of each other in there.

Bye.