Proof That Packaging Sells

1987 was the last time I drank a Miller High Life. Road trip to Potsdam, NY. I remember (parts of it) as if it were yesterday. Great time. Bad beer.

I just bought a 30-pack of "The Champagne of Beers". Here's why:




How cool are these? And how gullible and easily amused am I?

It's like drinkin' lil' jack-o-lanterns!

*Homer Simpson voice*

Mmmm....beer filled jack-o-lantern...

Package for Mr. Dong

To help finance my bike habit, I sell cycling apparel on eBay. I send stuff all over the world.

Sometimes when I'm addressing the packages, I have myself a good chuckle.

Like today for example...

John Hyung Dong
Wang Chun Goo, Mok Il Dong 916
Hyperion 101 Dong 520 Ho
Seoul 158-724
South Korea

That's just too damn funny.

I changed a few digits to protect the guy's privacy. He's got enough problems going through life as Mr. "Hyung Dong".

Red Roids

We are finally cracking down on the roids in sports. In other countries, sports are more about honor. Oops, I mean "honour". Here, sports are about money. But, the tide is slowly turning. The WWE just suspended 10 wrasslers because the use of steroids. They was making them do mean things, like hit each other with folding chairs.

Then there's this:

US announces largest steroid bust in history


WASHINGTON - Over 120 people were arrested in an 18-month international investigation of illicit steroid labs, the Drug Enforcement Administration announced Monday.

The DEA said the wide-ranging probe dubbed Operation Raw Deal was assisted by foreign governments in nine countries including China and led to the seizure of 56 laboratories in the United States for manufacturing anabolic steroids and human growth hormone (HGH).

Investigators seized over 500 pounds of raw powder originating in China and used to manufacture steroids. "China really stepped up to the plate to help us in this investigation," DEA spokesman Garrison Courtney said in Washington.

Stay the hell away from Chinese steroids. I hear whenever you take a shot of those in the ass, you just want another shot in the ass an hour later.

And if you do partake, always ask for "no MSG" in your HGH.

Simon Says "Look at This!"

My four year old daughter had something she needed to get off her chest yesterday:

Daughter: "Daddy?"

Mike: "Yes Sweetie?"

Daughter: "At preschool, Simon came out of the baff-room with no pants and underwear on and he came up and showed me his pee-pee".

Mike: "Oh really?"

Daughter: "Yeah, and it was all curly and inside-outed".

Mike: "Do you like Simon?"

Daughter: "No."

Mike: "Good!"

Thank you Simon, for enlightening my daughter. Enjoy while what you did was still legal. Grow some hair down there it will be a much different story.

Ah....as if I need more to think about, I can now pinpoint the exact date my daughter saw her first penis. I'll always remember that.

Because we Italians never forget. Ya little pervert bastard!

Cycling is Such a Glamorous Sport

Just look at the cool shorts I bought today:

Now break into small groups and discuss...

What/when to call me

Question of the week: "Mike, what should I call you?"

So here are detailed instructions on what you should or should not call me. I even threw a "when to call me" in there at absolutely no charge.

I love it when:

• I'm doing business at some sort of retail establishment and a female server, cashier, clerk or bartender addresses me with an endearing term such as "hun", "sweetie-pie" or most recently (must be in season or something)..."pumpkin".

I like it when:

• A black guy calls me "brother".


• Anyone I know well calls me Mick or Mike. It doesn't matter which. Usually the one you start with is the one I prefer.


• My teammates call me a "hammer" or a "billy goat".


• People call me at work, because I am bored, lonely or need to truncate a conversation with someone who has grown roots at my desk.

I do not like it when:

• A white guy calls me "brother".


• Students call me "Sir", "Mr. ____" or "Professor _____". That makes me feel weird, like I have a slice of baloney in each shoe.


• Anyone calls me "Dude", especially if they are female.


• Someone who has already established my name by calling me Mick or Mike, switches it from Mike to Mick, or Mick to Mike. That's corn-fusing and throws the entire universe off it's axis.

I hate it when:

• Someone calls me something I don't believe I am, especially; "egotistical" or "closed-minded".

Because I am Not Very Mature...

...I give the person at the local Starbucks a bogus name every time I order my morning fu-fu latte drink. They have this new policy where they write your name on your cup and call it out loud when it's ready.

So, this is amusing to me. It's like I get to be a different goofily-named person every day. Like, just this week I was:

Monday: Vito
Tuesday: Smedley
Wednesday: Jeb
Today: Bif

Jeb and Bif were really a big hit. Since a couple of the workers know me, they seem to get a kick out of it. This is a relief to me because I used to worry they thought it was a pain in the ass. So, it's nice to hear when they ask me "who do you want to be today?". The new hires have no clue. And it's cool when one of the workers is handed a cup they know is mine because it says "Jamal" or something like that.

I want to be Chao-Li on Monday. But, I'm running kinda dry on name ideas. I like to use few letters as possible, cus I don't wanna slow the line up too much.

This is a formal call for your ideas. Please help.

Good Golly Ms. Stranger

I have been receiving errant text messages from someone for the past few days.

I received my first one Sunday while I was on my bike. It was some spam-forward pass -it-on type of generic message. I didn't respond. But then yesterday at work I got some more and I felt I had to respond. I figured I was probably erroneously entered into this person's contact list and since I have cell phone service designed for teenagers, I get nickled and dimed when I text back & forth. I only carry cell phone for emergency situations, like when I see naked people on the bike path.

The word-for-word transcript of our conversation lies below:

Tuesday Afternoon

Unknown Person: Did you go home yet? ii love Matt :)

Mike: I'm sorry Matt, you must have the wrong number and I don't think you love me.

Unknown Person: No...i said did you go home? that is my signature. ii love Matt :)

Mike: Ok, I give up. Who is this?

Unknown Person: Molly. ii love Matt :)

Mike: Molly, you don't know me. You have the wrong number. Sorry.

Tuesday Evening

Molly: FWD: It is the 6 year anniversary so send to all the people u love and don't wanna lose...I love u

Mike: I love you too Molly, thanks for the text message. I don't love Matt tho.

*FYI: the best way to make someone go away is to tell them you love them prematurely*

Molly: Who is this? ii love Matt :)

Mike: It's the wrong phone number guy.

Molly: Oh. So where do you live? ii love Matt :)

Mike: I'm confused. You say repeatedly that you have strong feelings for Matt, but you seem so interested in me?

Molly: Like in Huber Heights? ii love Matt :)

Mike: My Mama told me to not tell strangers stuff like that.

Molly: Oh. Okay Watever. You probably do since we have the same area code. ii love Matt :)

Mike: Actually Molly, the 937 area code encompasses a very large range spanning from almost Lima up north to Springboro south. I could live anywhere in this large area.

Molly hasn't texted me since that. I think I scared her off when I used the word "encompasses". I'll keep you posted.

I think it was dark in my office

or maybe I was separated from my African parents at birth.

Definately one of those two...

Tuned Out

As I get older I am starting to see some changes in myself. Luckily, most of these are not yet physical. Thank God because I'm really dreading the day that I fart when I pee.

I'm trying to become a bit smarter in my thinking. Slowly, I am learning to ignore things who's fate I cannot control. Paying attention to these things are a waste of energy. I do enough of that, to the tune of 8,500 calories a week.

So, I'm going to try my darnedest to ignore the following energy-sapping activities which have a propensity for making me go Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs:

Sports:

College football: My Cinderella story came true last week when the Appalachian State Goobers defeated the University of Michigan Meat Heads. It's all downhill from here.

Pro sports: My Buffalo Bills have not lost a regular season game yet! The Mets are in first place. The Celtics signed Kevin Garnett. I'm going to pretend all of these seasons are over and script in my own imaginary endings...with unicorns and leprechauns thrown in there to make it extra exciting.

Nascar: Ummm...I never watched this. Yeah. And if I did, I would never admit to it publicly. So, I'm not going to watch it any more.

Politics:

I don't know much, but I know I've lost respect for both the Demicans and the Republocrats. I just abhor the negativity of this stuff. The debates make me angry and when they are over I'm not sure who I'm even angry at. If I want to watch people argue, I'll go watch the parents at a pee wee football game.

During the debates and the campaign, I'm going to do something more productive, like thumb-wrestle with myself. Then I'll tune back in a week before the elections. If all of the candidates have not assassinated each other or become the subject of a wide range of sex scandals, I'll listen for innovative and novel ideas such as how we's gonna eliminate that pesky federal budget deficit. Or, maybe someone might explain why we still make pennies. If I don't get an answer to either of these, I'm takin' off another four years.

Thanks for listening. Gonna go poke my head in the sand now.

La la la la la la la la...*covering ears*

Where is this guy when you need him?

Tamper Poof This!

Why are the bottle necks of bicycle chain lube, automobile antifreeze, motor oil and stuff like that sealed with a piece of plastic that is really hard for goobers like me to open?

I understand that it's the mission of the homo sapien to screw each other over at every opportunity. I remember back in 1982; some crazy sociopath mean person jerk thought it was entertaining to steal Tylenol bottles from supermarkets and put potassium cyanide in them, thus ruining some people's day who already had headaches.

But is it really necessary to make a bottle of bicycle chain lube tamper proof? I mean really, is there some sociopath terrorist out there who is saying to himself :

"I'll get back at the world by stealing bottles of chain lube from a bike shop. Then I'll secretly add some foreign ingredient that will add friction to his drivechain and rob him/her of some watts of power. Then I'll go back to the bike shop and secretly replace these bottles of chain lube. That's how I'll even the score! Whoo hooh ha!"

*thunder clap*

Understandably, messing with a chain could be hazardous. Or lube *ouch*. But lube meant for chains?

I think we're being a bit too careful here.

Thanks for listening. I gotta go lube my chain now. I finally got the bottle open.

Appalachian St. 34, (5) Michigan 32

I love this stuff. This is why I wish people followed college football more:

http://sports.yahoo.com/ncaaf/recap;_ylt=AtpDXxs.eB8GCO1NdpkuvTccvrYF?gid=200709010029&prov=ap

If you like a "David vs. Goliath" kind of story, there's always one in college football. Hence, last year's Boise State victory over Oklahoma.

It's not like pro football, where the playing field is leveled with salary caps and draft picks. In college football, the "Football Factories" have a huge advantage in recruiting players out of high school that are bigger and faster.

But one thing the recruiters tend to overlook: heart.

There's no statistic for heart. It doesn't matter how fast you can run a 40, how many times you can bench 225. I'm a huge believer that if you have a big thumper in your chest you can out-do about anyone if you put your mind to it.

And heart is the reason these (relatively speaking) "goobers" from Appalachian State (a virtual unknown) can beat Michigan's ass. Not because they are better, but because Michigan has it's pants down. They were cocky, unprepared and vastly underestimated their opponent. Especially in the area of "desire".

Good job Mountaineers. My college football season might as well be over now.

Bulls...shit!

My alma mater, the University of Buffalo Bulls, is gonna be a FORCE in college football this year because they have a new head coach.

Buffalo (0-1) vs. RUTGERS (1-0)

Date: Aug 30, 2007
Site: Piscataway, N.J.
Stadium: Rutgers Stadium
Attendance: 43091

Score by Quarters 1 2 3 4
----------------- -- -- -- --
Buffalo............. 0 0 3 0 - 3
RUTGERS....... 21 7 7 3 - 38


There's no way they would have scored 3 points last year! I can't wait to watch them in this year's Liquid-Plumr® Toitey Bowl!

Yeaahhhhhh!