What/when to call me

Question of the week: "Mike, what should I call you?"

So here are detailed instructions on what you should or should not call me. I even threw a "when to call me" in there at absolutely no charge.

I love it when:

• I'm doing business at some sort of retail establishment and a female server, cashier, clerk or bartender addresses me with an endearing term such as "hun", "sweetie-pie" or most recently (must be in season or something)..."pumpkin".

I like it when:

• A black guy calls me "brother".


• Anyone I know well calls me Mick or Mike. It doesn't matter which. Usually the one you start with is the one I prefer.


• My teammates call me a "hammer" or a "billy goat".


• People call me at work, because I am bored, lonely or need to truncate a conversation with someone who has grown roots at my desk.

I do not like it when:

• A white guy calls me "brother".


• Students call me "Sir", "Mr. ____" or "Professor _____". That makes me feel weird, like I have a slice of baloney in each shoe.


• Anyone calls me "Dude", especially if they are female.


• Someone who has already established my name by calling me Mick or Mike, switches it from Mike to Mick, or Mick to Mike. That's corn-fusing and throws the entire universe off it's axis.

I hate it when:

• Someone calls me something I don't believe I am, especially; "egotistical" or "closed-minded".