The Top 10 Things I Learned By Watching The Beijing Summer Olympics

10) If you're not cute enough, someone will be called in to lip synch for you

9) People in China will practice jumping up and down in a dark box for 4 months

8) Synchronized swimming makes we wish I smoked pot

7) While Americans fake their ID to drink alcohol, the Chinese fake their ID for gymnastics

6) If you throw your bronze medal down, that probably means you wanted something better

5) If Michael Phelps hadn't forgotten to trim his fingernails, he'd have a silver medal

4) 200 meters is not a long enough race to keep you from dancing around shoeless afterwards

3) The Bird's Nest provides inadequate rain protection

2) Trampoline should be done naked. That's how the greeks would have wanted it.

and the number one thing I learned watching the Beijing Summer Olympics...

1) Uzbekistan's national anthem freakin' rocks!