Ya know, ya think you're doing a good thing...

...when you show up to the team group ride with your camera so you can report back to everybody else...



and then, there's always that guy who's gotta spoil it:



Human nature, I guess.

Stupid Letter Series Number 4: Laura's Lean Beef

A second attempt at contact after I wrote once and a member of customer service left me a voice message on my home answering machine...

Customer Relations Department
Laura's Lean Beef Co.
Mt Folly Farm
P.O. Box 4112
Winchester, KY 40392

Dear Ms. Laura,

Hi, It's Mike again. I wrote you once and your helper called me back and left a message on my answering machine. But, I was too embarrassed to call back. So, I'm writing again.

Ms. Laura, I'm a vegetarian, but I'm thinking of converting to a meatitarian. My doctor says I need to eat more meat to build muscle mass. I weigh only 105 pounds. Since your beef has no antibiotics or hormones it seems more "natural" to me. However, to clear my conscious, I need to know how you make the cows fall asleep before you cut the muscle off their bones. Is it painful for them? You kill them first, right? Somebody told me they are electrocuted in their rear end. But, they really don't feel anything because it zaps their butt really quick. Please write back and let me know.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I need some recipes since I don't know what food pairs well with cow or what is the correct way to cook it by burning the muscle. Thank you again Ms. Laura. You and your workers seem very trustworthy. I have no "beef" about that. Ha ha, that was just a joke.

Sincerely,


Mike Canestecco



Their response:

I'm gonna turn 40...

...in exactly one month. Not that I'm keeping track or anything. When it happens, maybe it's I time I act a bit more like a "man" and not so much a "young man".

So, just maybe, I should start to:

• act more mature and not continue to amuse myself by performing the stunt where I drive the exact same speed as the car next to me for several miles, thereby causing the other driver and passenger in my car to feel really uncomfortable.
  
• not allow spontaneous, solo, daytime drinking excursions to negatively affect my self esteem. Cus, let's face it, I'm past the half way point, statistically.


• retire from changing around marquis signs to say funny things, largely because everyone else I know is too afraid or tired to do it with me.


• probably give up on doing the funny handshake where you tickle the palm of the other person's hand with your finger.
  
• eventually succumb to farting when I pee. All the old guys in the bathroom do this and I just know it's not long before I'm next. Ya also gotta grunt along with it. Uhhh! Tooooot! * tinkle *
• stop making voice impersonations of all the bosses at work

Yeah, ya know what? I think this all feels very natural.

No, actually, it doesn't. Let's talk in a month.

Watch this shit...

...and tell me how fast you think these fixed-gear city boys would be if:

• They swapped out their hoodies and jean shorts for spandex
• They shaved their legs for when they (inevitably) fall
• They knew how to ride in a tight pace line

Helmets would be nice, too.

See if you know the guy in the white shirt who gaps everybody down the hill. You will at the end at least.

Watch now!

Time for bed.

Bye.

The rider, the horse and how they apply to drunk students

I went to a seminar yesterday; "Dealing with Difficult People".

I sharpened my saw and put new tools in my tool box.

That's professional seminar-speak for "spent 4 hours sitting on my fanny listening".

It was well worth my employer's money. Many things stuck with me, which I will share.

The Conscious/Unconscious Mind

Everyone has a part of their mind that is conscious. This part of the mind is paying close attention to what your doing or saying. This is like the "rider on the horse" which must control the reigns. This encompasses 3% of the brain's activity.

Then, there's remaining 97%, which is the unconscious part of the mind. This is the "horse". If the rider does not steer the horse, the horse keeps chugging along. This is the part of the mind that dictates "habit" in people's behavior, like when you drive, etc.

The good news is you can train your rider to stop the horse or change it's direction with enough practice. If a person exhibits bad habits, which hurt or stress you, that person's horse has an abnormally large ass that shits all over the place and everyone. This makes you want to shoot the horse. But, you shouldn't, because that just gives you a dead horse body to clean up.

Reading People

I learned that you can override your rider and respond more accordingly by understanding people better. This involves tuning into their communication. The problem is, only 7% of communication comes from words. For mimes, it is as little as 0%. The rest comes from tone (37%) and body language (55%). For example, as I am typing this I am also saying every word in a high-pitched voice like Michael Jackson and grabbing my crotch, but you would never know from just reading it.

Body language is gestures, facial expressions, posture and attire. Keep an eye out for these indications of bad body language that might occur at work or in your personal life:

• A co-worker sits across from you with his/her arms folded, indicating closure to your ideas.


• An employee wears a "I hate you and I don't want to be here" button to work.


• The person you are courting or in a relationship with has sex with another person.*

* May be acceptable if you are also having sex with the other person simultaneously

These are all behaviors indicating a unhealthy situation that must be swiftly resolved. A sensitive person can become attuned to picking these up.

Resolving Bad Behaviors

Beliefs cause people's attitudes which in turn, cause behaviors. Soon after my seminar, curiously enough, I was given the opportunity to use my new tools. I was confronted by a student exhibiting bad behavior in lab class. The student smelled of strongly of liquor, was slurring slightly and making potentially offensive statements like "I couldn't get my pre-lab assignment done because I met a big-boobied girl today!".

These behaviors do not arise on their own. They are caused at the root by beliefs. In this case, the student believed that he could drink before class. This in turn, caused him to have the attitude that he could get drunk before class and manifested itself in his getting drunk before class.

Luckily, this can be resolved using "Assertive Communication". Notice, this technique begins with the three letters "Ass". An example:

"For the sake of" (insert relationship, environment, etc.), "when you" (state behavior) "and" (state result of behavior) "happens", "I feel" (state emotion). "What I want is (state the solution). "Can we agree to" (again state solution)?

Applied to my situation, this could be applied as follows:

"For the sake of the safety of others, when you come to class completely shit-faced and you say stuff about women's boobies, I feel jealous. What I want is for you to come to class sober. Can we agree to come to class sober?"

So, I dunno what you think. But, I think I have truly earned this certificate.


If not, I would appreciate you telling me your ideas. Sober.

Even if you don't know jack about cycling...

...doesn't this get you a teency bit pumped?

How about if I told you that guy, Alberto Contador, won the 2007 Tour De France and then his whole team, team Astana, got booted from the 2008 Tour De France because his teammate doped, and Alberto didn't but they disallowed the entire team anyway? Even though the big bag of douche who doped was hence fired and suspended and they fired management too?

How about if I told you a guy named Lance Armstrong will be making a comeback and riding the Tour De France for team Astana next year, which will could allow for a sack-tingling battle between Lance and Alberto within the same team?

How about if I told you the New York Giants got kicked out of this year's Super Bowl because one guy was on steroids when they played vs. the Patriots? Would you root for them the next year?

How about if I told you I don't have school tomorrow either because it was windy two days ago?

Am I the only one who's fired up around here?

Come on, people. Look alive out there!

Can I get a witness?

Today blew my mind!

Today was weird.

And tomorrow, I have a wind delay. Yeah. I've had snow days. I've even had a rain day, where they thought it was gonna snow, and it didn't. But tomorrow I don't have to be in to work until noon, because it was windy.

There was a lot of wind. Fast wind. Like 30-50 miles per hour. And unfortunately lots of people have their power out. So, since there's so much available bandwidth, I should tell you more and make the best of it.

Yeah, the local meteorologists were all warning of the wind. BUT, they also said it was going to rain all weekend. I am on record (ask Llana) as saying it would NOT rain AT ALL this weekend! And me was right!

How did you know, Mike? That's what you're all saying right now, isn't it? Both of you.

I arrived at this assessment using the "looking" process and noticing the direction of the big, green, swirling goober on the radar loop that looked like it would miss us to the north and...viola!
So, I don't consider meteorology a science.

And for all I care, you can tell Jamie Simpson that. Cus, I could totally kick his ass.

But don't tell Mike Terwilleger. He's kinda big and he looks like he lifts weights.

Any boy in school with a name like Terwilleger would lift weights after how much he probably got picked on. I tried to find you a link for Mike, but I can't find it and I just spent 5 minutes looking at Aja George.

Row!

Oh! Back to my story.

I quickly dismissed the high wind warnings and went for a bike ride on the rail trail.

And I almost died. Got hit with a small tree branch. Lots of debris. Had a flat. Fixed the flat at Xenia Station. A weird guy walking by talked to me. Got back on. Almost got blown over a few times. Jumped over a few trees blocking the trail. Wondered why I do this. Pulled into my little corner of suburbia and saw lots of people...standing outside. Why were they standing outside?

To look at the wind, of course!

It's invisible, actually. Those tightly packed isobars are just on the maps.

Hey, I was out riding in it. So, they ain't no stupider than me!

Well, anyhow, the wind gave us such a good blow job that some people were missing power and had shingles missing.

I'm afraid of heights and our roof is really steep. So, I'm I hopin' our roof is OK.

If not, then that would really blow.

Stupid Letters Series Number 3: RealLime Lime Juice

Customer Relations Dept.

REALIME Lime Juice

Columbus, OH 43215

To whom it may concern,

I drink your lime juice all of the time. I get the little plastic green limes at the grocery store and I drink straight out of them. Yes, it's a little sour. The "fake" plastic limes are cute and are great decorations. People tell me I'm different. But, I'm a nice guy, I love fruit juice and would never want to hurt anybody.

Tuesday, my personal trainer, Lamar, told me this was one of the worst summers ever for Lime Disease. Lately, I have had some episodes of stomach upset the last couple of times I drank lime juice. Do I have Lime disease? Do you think I should switch to lemon juice? I picked up some little plastic lemons at the grocery store and I have been drinking them in place of the limes. But, they suck. No pun intended.

Anyhoo, could you have one of your nerdy scientists tell me what the odds of contracting Lime disease are? If they are really low (like one in ten or less), I'll just go back to drinking the lime juice. After all, you can't spend your whole life looking over your shoulder, huh?

Fruitfully yours,

Mike Citroso

P.S. Does "Lemon-Aid" help with Lime disease or am I just reaching? I have no medical training whatsoever and my questions might seem a little niave.

Their response:

Dear Mr. Citroso,

Thank you very much for your complimentary letter anout ReaLime Lime Juice. We strive to produce the finest products on the market, and it is gratifying to know our consumers are pleased with our efforts.

The Lyme Disease your trainer is talking about is a disease spread by ticks. It has nothing to do with our lime juice. However, you may want to consider drinking the product with water; it is an acidic product.

Please accept the enclosed coupon with our compliments. We appreciate your past patronage and look forward to serving you as a satisfied customer.

Sincerely,

Hewitt Smith

Consumer Representative

KY and Cramps

This weekend, I drove to the nice little town of London, Kentucky for the Kentucky State Road Championships.

Stay tuned for my special report: Which Highway Sign Sounds More Enticing; "Big Bone Lick State Park" or "KY Action Park"?

I drove 3.5 hours and had my choice of doing the 40 mile cat 3 race or the 80 mile cat 1/2/3 race. I believe it should be law that no one should ever spend more time driving to the race than the actual racing time. So, I registered for the 80 miler. It's hilly, so that would take more than 3.5 hours and my universe would spin on it's axis correctly.

But, in the back of my mind, my goose was cooked already. I've been having some cramping in my legs. The night before, I woke up with cramps.

* If just dreaming about racing gives you cramps, that's a bad sign *

I imagine this is a dehydration issue. My weight had been down a bit and the last day off my bike was August 10th. Also, I believe air, beer and coffee are the 3 most important substances required to sustain life function.

* Should we play "Spot the warning signs Mike is going to have a bad race"? *

We rolled out from town and the locals cheered for us because there's not much to do in London, KY. The race official told us we should be neutralized (no racing) until we rode through town and crossed the railroad tracks.

So, we crossed the railroad tracks...

Boop! There goes my one of my water bottles! Was jostled out of the holder and fell and slid on the road and into the gutter. I thought about saying "wait up guys!" but this is bike racing, not Nascar. Now, I'm riding 80 miles while nursing two water bottles and not drinking much while I suppose I am already dehydra-tated.

Now to the racing: There was a breakaway and we rode really hard to catch is. But we failed. And at mile 68, it felt like someone stuck a ginsu knife in my left quad as it seized up. And the main group got smaller and smaller... But! The field was so small, everybody got paid. And I finished. Yay!

So, Mikey drove home with some gas money.

But, you know what else happened?

* This is where you say: "What happened then, Mike? This isn't dragging on too long. I love you, Mike! *

I had another huge cramp in my car while I was driving! I couldn't press on the gas pedal, so I had to pull over and stop in a construction area. Then, I got out and tried to walk it off, writhing in pain.

Nobody stopped. That made me feel good about humanity.

It went away. So, I celebrated by downing a couple of beers when I got home.

"I'm a quick learner", Mikey says to himself as he types this while on his third cup of coffee...

Bye.

Post Orifice for Dummies

I sell stuff on eBay.

I don't know why, really. I guess I do it so I can spend money on my cycling habit, guilt free. So, no shit, I buy stuff cheap at the dollar store or on web sites and sell it for a profit like my own little business. This makes me like a grand or two every year.

I guess I also wanted to have my own little business on the side, but don't want to sell out my whole pension and job totally and ruin everything.

Please don't tell the IRS.

And, please don't fall asleep on me. Cus, this blog is going to be exciting.

Not really. It's about the post office. Hey, at least I'm not writing depressing poems.

Here's the thing: I sell cycling caps and (yeah, it's true) baby clothes. Not just regular baby clothes, but camouflage baby clothes! You would be surprised how many babies need to hide in the woods and not be seen. I think it's a real growth area. Also there's always that hunter guy who dreams to himself "I wants to dress baby Bubba Jr. in some camo! Yee hawww!"

When I sell a cycling cap, I fold it up and shove it into a 6" x 9" envelope. It weighs less than 2 ounces. According to the USPS web site, which is about as user-friendly as a digital rectal exam, the postage should be 79 cent. Not "cents", cent, because I have a little gangsta in me today.

I've been putting 79 cent worth of stamps on these things and sending them out.

And they never come back and I have 100% feedback. Yay!

One day, Mikey went to the post orifice in Beavercreek to buy stamps. I brought a cap to be shipped out and shipped it from there, so it would get there quicker because I care about my customers.

They charged me a dollar and thirty four cent!

Oh...snap!

So, to learn more, I went to the Dayton post orifice a couple of days later, with an envelope containing a cycling cap that was exactly the same...

...a dollar and seventeen cent!

And finally, today, I skipped a meeting just so I could drop a cap off and send it out. I told the guy at the counter (Hal) I wanted to understand the postage on these things. Hal told me "they do it by weight".

Wow.

He put the envelope on the scale and told me it would be 59 cent. I said "really!?" all excited and he looked at me funny because I was really actually excited about this. But then, he stuck it into a little tester that was a slot to test if the envelope could go through the mail sorter. My envelope failed from being too fat. So, it was not 59 cent. But...

One American dolla! Damn fat envelope!

I guess my point is; should I be concerned when I go to the post orifice with three exactly similar pieces of postage, weighing and shaped the same amount and I get three different prices and the web site calculator tells me a fourth different price?

I don't want to sound like a baby. But, this makes me want to go hide in the woods.

Bye.

A day in the life of a visitor guy/dude/person

So, when my grandfather died, I decided to do "friendly visits" with older people in nursing homes.

How rewarding. Please consider it for yourself.

But, sometimes, there's the "luck of the draw". Don't let it derail you.

For example, today.

Today, I felt as if my back was against the wall. My job gets lots busier tomorrow.

No that busy though. You guys know. I wouldn't be typing this shit if I was that busy.

With one more day left until reality, I thought today would be a good day to see "The Peeps".

I visited a friend's grandfather in Hospice at 3pm. For those in the know, 3pm till dinner time is like, prime nappy-time. But, I walked in anyhow while the grandpa was asleep and had a pretty good conversation...

...while he was pretty much asleep.

Pretty comprehensive, too!

I wonder if he'll remember it. It's all good. I'll go back another time.

Then, I drove to St. Leonard in Centerville, where I do a once a month science demo to help stimulate people's minds. I went to Ruth's room, who I've been visiting for some 5 years.

She was also sleeping. I started to wonder if I make people drowsy. If you watched my students during class, you would know what I mean.

Forging ahead, I went to my man, Chuck's room. Chuck was a WWII fighter pilot. Chuck wasn't there. I asked the activities coordinator, Sister Christine, where the hell Chuck was. Except, I didn't say "hell" because she's very Catholic and has never...

...never mind.

"He's down at Memoirs", she said. Ostensibly, "Memoirs" is an activity where the residents do something about....memoirs.

I walked to the room where Memoirs was being held. Lots of people were in there including Chuck and a lady who's name escapes me and maybe escapes her too. They were busy and I didn't feel like I should interrupt.

So, I chilled outside, looking as cool and assimilated as any 39 year old, shaved legged, skinny guy would look and I read the activities calendar on the bulletin board.

"Science with Mike" had to be rescheduled this month. Normally it's the third Tuesday of the month. But, about two weeks ago, Sister Christine told me there was a conflict and asked if I could reschedule for the fourth Tuesday of the month. I told her this would be fine, because my job enables me to disappear for multiple hours at a time on most days.

Well, guess what I got bumped for?

"Self Defense With a Cane"!

No shit.

Anyhow, this inspired me to barge in on "Memoirs". As quietly as I could, I shook Chuck's hand and waved at the familiar lady, while some other lady was reading her...memoirs, I guess! Then, I walked out...

...and immediately struck up a conversation with two other ladies that looked familiar. They showed me the "coffee lounge". I talked with them for a while and then told them I had better leave soon.

Here's the punchline: as I was walking away, I overheard them say something about me...

...and all my frustration just melted away.

If you have extra time. Invest it in older people.

Trust me.

Weather Prediction

...is that the huge green, swirling booger on the radar loop named Gustav is going to keep heading north. Then, he's gonna take a right turn and make a B-line for the quaint little town of London, Kentucky where he will promtly dump foop-loads of rain with high winds early saturday morning and throughout the whole day.

Cus, that's where and when the KY state road race championships start and finish.

And, that's where I am going to be.

Chance of rain = 100%
Chance of me putting it into the woods on one of the descents or into a parking meter in the last km = too damn high.

Is there any place that needs some rain? I can drive there too, if you pay my mileage.

Stupid Letter Series #2: 3M

Remember back in the 90's when we were all-consumed with the "Y2K problem" and we were all wondering if we were doomed when the century turned?

3M Corporation
3M Center
St. Paul, Mn 55144

July 14, 1999

To whom it may concern,

I was shopping the other day and I noticed M&M's is the "official candy of the year 2000". Get it? 2 M means 2,000 in Spanish numerals or something like that. I thought that was cute, but it got me to thinking; 3M should be the official company of the year 3,000.

I think I'm the first person to come up with this idea. Therefore, I would to be your commercial spokesperson when you advertise this gimmick as the year 3,000 draws nearer. I think it's only fair. Please write back and tell me what you think.

Before I go, I have one more question. Have you begun to address the "year 3,000 problem" yet? Are your computers "year 3,000 compliant"? If not, it's never too soon to start!

Sincerely,


Mike Cammestaro

Their response:

Dear Mike:

Thanks for your letter - and your great idea!

We think your concept will play well with our customers in the year 3,000. In fact, we've spoken with many of them already and they've all enthusiastically made their reservations for our huge Y3MK Blow-Out New Year's Bash!

We also agree that you should be our spokesperson and thank you for volunteering. We'd like to get on your calendar now, starting January 1, 2998 if we could, to begin production of daily updates to all 3M employees, customers and suppliers that we'll deliver via brain-chip downloads throughout 2998 and 3000. We're planning on many promotions during this three (M) year celebration! (At least one for each of the 3(M) million products we'll have at that time. We're now at 50,000 and counting.)

Of course, since this will be a constant demand on your time, you should clear up your entire calendar for that three (M) year period. While we're aware that this may make it difficult to carry on other activities with your family or job, we'll work hard to create a schedule that will allow you three (M) days off -- it's the least we can do!

We also understand that you'll expect some small compensation. Please accept this official Y3MK gift box, with our grateful appreciation for the time you'll devote in 1,000 years to our common, great cause -- the growth of 3M!

Sincerely,


Ron Wenaas
3M Public Relations
(On special assignment to the Y3MK planning team)

P.S. Regarding your final question. We can say unequivocally that all 3M computers, products and systems may be Y3K compliant. We've also begun planning for the Y10K problem. I can hardly wait for that one!


The letter came with a box full of all sorts of 3M stuff; too numerous to mention.