1,847 Deaths Blamed on Winter Storm

Dayton, Ohio: The storm that dumped a foot of snow on the Midwest a week ago is still claiming lives.

Yesterday, a woman was impaled through the skull with an icicle as it fell from a building.

Three days ago, an elderly couple were shut in and had nothing to eat but peanut butter and died of Salmonella poisoning.

A man died of boredom when he was forced to talk to no one but his family for two whole days.

A pickup truck skidded off the road and smashed into a tree. That hardly ever happens so we'll blame that on the storm as well.

And then, there's snow shoveling.

"Most of the casualties we've been seeing are heart attacks and injuries from shoveling snow", said Dr. Ben Dover, emergency room physician.

But that was a week back. And, it caused a weak back. The snowstorm still continues to claim lives as people trod upon the snow back and forth to plan their Super Bowl parties and pack it down to form slippery ice. The snow also becomes more dense as it thaws and then freezes and then thaws and then freezes and then does everything but freaking vaporize so a guy can get his damn run in.

This was evidenced as a man tried walking on the sidewalk and fell and broke his hip. Another person reportedly drove by to see this and then stopped to rescue him only to fall on the ice and break his collar bone. A woman then stopped to help, but then fell and broke her neck, when all was over, 24 people were stuck there in a big pile of human bodies and subsequently died of hypothermia. People are having a hard time understanding how anyone knows the story to this incident, since everyone died and no one was around to record it, which makes it all sound a bit like the book of Genesis.

One of the dead victims did not comment.