My limited petting experience

While growing up, I remember how much my father loved animals.

He loved them for breakfast, lunch and dinner!

For sure, we didn't make a habit of co-habitating with them.

So, now that I'm mostly growed up, I can't help but reflect on the very small number of pets I've had. In my entire life, I've had maybe six. And, out of those six, all but one of them are completely DEAD!

But, it's not my fault. Because, I was always good to them.

Let me explain. I will organize this discussion of pets by species, if you don't mind.

Fish

When I was a boy, I had several goldfish. But only two lived longer than a week. So, they are the only ones that count as living. Fish don't live, actually, they are just less dead. Anyhow, I bought two fish when I was in junior high school. I named them Cheech and Chong because pot smoking was popular back then. Cheech died when I was in high school. As a country boy, I was bored enough to hold a funeral for him with my friends.

We put the "fun" back in funeral, as you can plainly see.

Chong, on the other hand, lived a much longer life. I had to bring him to college with me. I remember looking down and noticing how his fish bowl vibrated, sending ripples through the water surface as his bowl sat on the floor of my car during the four hour car trek to college. In graduate scool, I woke up one day and noticed him lying on the bottom of his bowl while his belly was heaving in and out. If you own a fish, let me tell you, this is not a good sign because fish are not sophisticated enough to fake being sick for attention. I asked my roomate to end his life quickly because I couldn't bar do it. My roomate was a relatively brutal guy who was an antisemite and racist. He gleefully offered to take him outside and smash him with a stone. I took him up on this. So, Cheech had a very quick, albiet violent death. My former roomate is a lawyer now. He probably represents people who have had their heads smashed in with stones.

All in all, Chong lived thirteen years! He even lived through beer parties where people poured beer into his bowl.

But he didn't outlive a stone thrust into his head. Rest in peace, Chong.

Bunny Wabbits

Monty Python wasn't joking. Probably the meanest varmints that rule the Earth are rabbits.

"What, behind the rabbit? It is da rabbit!"

In high school, my brother's girlfriend bought him a pet rabbit. Weirdly, my Dad didn't object. Being the typical teenage country boys, we immediately began to ignore it's life sustaining needs and Mom took over as caregiver. She soon and fell in love with it. It was black and white. So, my brother named it "Zeb" which is short for Zebra. We were so smart and creative. Well, let me tell you something, Zeb wanted sex out of everyone and everything. He'd hump your arm, your leg, your head...anything. Naturally, he liked me the most. And, you know what really hurt? He never wanted to snuggle afterwards. Yep, Zeb was a horny little bunny. So, my Mom took Zeb to the vet where Zeb would undergo a special procedure causing him to return home without any balls! Not only did he not hump anything any more, he discovered a new part of himself that took a shine to interior design and fabrics.

Ultimately, Zeb didn't survive the surgery. I guess he couldn't face the world without any testicles. I remember very vividly on Christmas eve night; my Mom was playing the organ at midnight mass and we were home. I walked by Zeb's cage and noticed he was sleeping. But this time he was sleeping with his eyes open. I poked at him with something (probably a bunny poker) and he didn't move.

Zeb was dead.

My Mom came home and was sad. So, my Dad bought her another bunny.

This one was a female, her name was Missy. She was a bitch. She's probably in bunny hell right now. This little rodent bit me in the nipple and snorted at me.

Let's just talk about cats.

Ohhhh! No, wait! Missy almost killed me! I almost forgot that!

Missy's favorite hobby was chewing on electrical cords.

This is a fire hazard.

Because my Dad had deep objections to turning on the heat, I slept with an electrical blanket. Missy liked chewing on the cords that fed the blanket.

One night, I had a strange dream. In this dream, I smelled smoke and my feet felt hot.

I woke up immediately, where I smelled smoke and my feet were hot.

My bed was on fire.

Little hairy bitch chewed on my electrical blanket until the cords shorted out. This made my bed catch fire while I was sleeping.

Good thing I have sensitive feet.

So, I almost died in a fire while I slept. It didn't help that I was half asleep and tried to put the fire out by pouring water on it, which made it worse. I eventually gave in and barged in to my parent's room (which was only allowed if the house was on fire) and my Dad got up and smothered the fire.

So, the little bitch almost killed me.

I'm glad she's dead.

Now, we can talk about cats.

Cats

My wife wanted a cat. I've never had my own air-breathing pet before. So, I resisted. But eventually, I relented. Probably because I was as horny as Zeb.

I fell in love with this one. He was a grey male cat. Unfortunately, he lived 5 years longer than Chong the fish. Kidneys.

I remember taking him to the vet to put him down. I couldn't stay in the room. I elected to wait outside and have the vet's assistant hand me a shoe box with dead weight in it. I payed them 60 bucks for that. I didn't really make out on that deal.

Let's talk about other cats.

Now, I have kids. They wanted a kitten. My heart was broken with the last cat. So, I resisted. But guess what? I relented. Now we have this cat named Cocoa. My kids named him. He's black and white. Personally, I think cocoa is a silly name for a black and white cat because cocoa is dark brown. But, telling kids they came up with stupid names is not a very positive contribution to their self esteem. So, I didn't share my thoughts about the stupid ass name.

Instead, I call him Toonces. I want him to learn how to ride in a car. So, he's "Toonces the driving cat".

I now spend most of my time at home making sure Toonces doesn't drink out of the toilet or tip over drinks. This guy is obsessed with liquids.

Just like his old man!

You go, Toonces!

And that is all I have to say about pets.

So, bye.