Why I REALLY hate election time

Okay. So, I understand there are basically two sets of people in this country: those who trust in the individual to do the right thing by society and those who do not. Check.

And those two sets of people will NEVER agree with each other. Understood.

Here's what I don't understand: why do people feel the need to broadcast their political views as if they were some of evangelists?

To be quite honest, when I hear someone shoot their mouth off about Obama it makes me a bit more sympathetic toward McCain. Conversely, when I hear someone who is a conservative speak, I become more sympathetic toward democrats.

So, hey you toeing the party lines. I'm a very cynical person. Anything you do or say makes me go the other way with it. I think I have some sort of psychological problem with authority.

But, you makeshift biennial political pundits feel a need to belong to something that overrides your true self and makes you less of a person.

So, let's call it even.

How about if we both try shutting up for three more days?

All right then. On your marks...get set...

...shut up!

Stupid letters number I forgot: Fleet

Customer Relations
C.B. Fleet Company, Inc
4615 Murray Place
Lynchburg, VA

Dear Sir or Madam,

My wife says I have a problem. Although I'm male, I question my freshness.

As the producers of feminine wash, deodorant spray, powder and cleaning cloths for females, I can't help but notice the absence of products for males in your portfolio. Possibly there are some products in the feminine area that men may use as well? My stinky area of concern would be that "south of the border" if you know what I mean.

I would greatly appreciate your help. I'm hesitant to contact you via phone because I am quite embarrassed by this problem. Please send any information you may have via postal mail.

Thanks,

Mike Canespu

Their response:



Dear Mr. Canespu,

Thank you for your recent correspondence concerning Summers Eve products. We appreciate hearing from our consumers, and are always looking for ways to improve our products and services.

You had asked about whether we currently manufacture masculine hygiene products. Unfortunately, we do not currently manufacture a masculine line of products. However, we would suggest to you that products such as Summers Eve Feminine Wash do eliminate body odors without leaving a feminine-type fragrance on the skin. We do appreciate your suggestions, and will forward those suggestions to the appropriate personnel, including our Executive Officers.

C.B. Fleet Co., Inc is committed to producing only the highest quality of products. We trust that your experiences with Summer's Eve products will meet your expectations and be your brand of choice. Enclosed you will find coupons good for future purchases of our products.

Sincerely,

Donna H. John
Technical Information Coordinator
C.B. Fleet Company, Inc.

Sticky Money Crisis

Uh huh.

Desparation blog

Ya know, you would think I feel some sort of desperation or something, just because tomorrow I turn 40 years old.

As a skinny white guy...statistically, I am more than half way through my life now.

Nope, I feel fine.

I don't feel a longing for my youth.

I'm really a man now.

Flookie!

Hah! I made you read a goofy word.

Noomieeeeewanna!

Did it again!

I even made you read this...

Word!

Hah, made you read a word again.

Try and not read this:

Blarbie!

Gotcha again!

Ok, gotta go.

I guess I better go work on getting old and dying now.

Bye!

*sniff*


Flooomiedonkawannaflormiedoodledonkiediddles!

We may not be grown up...

...but at least we're immature!



Yep.

The sweet innocence is becoming...

...a thing of the past.

So you have some context; when my kids get helium filled balloons, we "let them go" outside after a day or so and we stare into the driveway for 5 minutes or so and watch them fly into the sky until they disappear.

It's like anti-gravity littering, which can't be as bad.

This weekend, my family threw a surprise party for me and gave me a whole bunch of big, silvery mylar balloons. So, this morning, we were letting them go outside:

8 year old: "Wow, those balloons are shiny!"

Mick: "Yeah, these kind reflect the sun and you can see them from way far away."

5 year old: "Oh two of them are splitting apart and got a divorce!"

8 year old: "Dad, how far away are they now?"

Mick: "Probably over the highway."

8 year old: "Some guy is going to be driving on the highway and see those balloons and say 'what the hell is that!?'"

I corrected her. I'm blaming the whole thing on my brothers staying for the weekend.

So, today I was chuckling about this to myself. That ain't too bad if my kid hasn't spoke a single adult foul word until she was 8 years of age.

I gave myself a pat on the back.

Then, later, I was checking out the files on the digital camera...

...and I found blurry pictures of bare 5 and 8 year old fannys.

I erased them faster than you could say "grand jury trial".

Please help me.

Ain't gonna happen...

I am very fortunate to work at a community college where I bump elbows with a wide demographic spectrum of people.

Many of these people are young adults. I find myself straddling the two roles:

I serve as a source of guidance to the people who truly do not have their shit together. And there are quite a few of those. I'll spare the detail.

But, I also find myself impressing upon young people that being out in the working world and having responsibility doesn't necessarily mean you have to lead a boring life or abandon things that you did when you were younger. If anything, clinging to these kinds of things helps you less resent the responsibilty that life thrusts upon you.

Case in point; as I type this, I have a splitting headache and my ears are ringing, because I went to a club until 1am to see one of my favorite ska/punk acts. And, I got a little boozy and woozy in the process. I was the 3rd oldest person there and was (for sure) the only guy drinking chardonnay at the bar.

Back in September, I was standing on the registration line to help a student register into the last available slot in a chemistry course. They let me bypass the line, but I always feel "elitist" and guilty about doing this. So, I was standing next to a young man who was wearing a T-shirt with The Briggs on it. I struck up a conversation with him about how I saw The Briggs at a club when they opened for The Toasters. Dude didn't quite expect to hear this from a guy with greying hair wearing dockers and a button down shirt. he was a nice guy.

Back to last night; a guy with a red dyed mohawk approaches me at the Mustard Plug show.

"Do you teach at Sinclair?" he asked.

"Yeah." I replied.

"I'm the guy with The Briggs shirt!".

"Hope you don't have an early class tomorrow". I said.

We shook hands. Not the regular way, but the cool way with the thumbs extended upward.

And we agreed that Mustard Plug friggin' rocks!

So, as I approach 40, I thought it was maybe a time for me to start to mature and conserve myself a bit.

Give up cycling road racing? Ain't gonna happen.

Stop going to see rock bands at clubs mid-week? Ain't gonna happen.

Grow up? Ain't gonna foopin' happen.

Done typing now? Gonna happen.

Poor Economy Causing Increased Farmlifting

The Dungkicker Times Weekly, Oct 14th, 2008

Dayton, OH: With a sluggish and panicking economy, farmers are noticing a huge increase in farm thefts, which includes late night milk raids of sleeping cows.

"It used to be folks would just tip the cows over. Now, they milk 'em and leave 'em". Says Bubba McTwinlkediddy, dairy farmer of 37 years.

"This morning, I came out to find my whole herd was bone-dry and Bessie was crying."

A gallon of unpasteurized milk can go for as much at $2 on the black chocolate milk market. Cow-tippers and crop circle makers are now opting to profit from their activities and stealing food as the economy has made them desperate.

"It's not just stealth-milking, but these country criminals are now storming barns and poaching eggs" says E.I. McDonald, director of the Cornhole Cooperative Extension.

"No one's going to buy the cow, when they can get the milk for free." Says Mel Nourished, director of the Bovine Institute of Macroeconomics.

Area farmers are more and concerned than ever and looking to protect their inventory. UdderChastity, the fledgling upstart company which produces farming technology products is developing a state of the art, udder locking system with keypad entry designed to keep the teats under lock and key until the proper code is entered.

"Ain't nothin sacred no more" said McTinklediddy. "I'm left with nothin' but some mad cows!".

Bessie was not available for comment.

Spending habits start early; a case study

...like...in the womb maybe?

Here at the Institute of Home Nanoeconomics, we are committed to studying and understanding spending trends in little, tiny, loud, hyper active people and how this behavior might manifest itself later in the form of a global credit crisis.

Case study: The Canestarostein Household

We studied two subjects, both being raised by a fiscally conservative father, Michael Canestarostein. Michael opened his first bank account at the age of 16 with $800 in cash he had earned from his job at a mall department store. Until then, he was storing money in a book in which he cut a rectangular dollar bill-sized hole in the pages so his brothers wouldn't steal it. He secretly hopes his brothers are reading this now and they are annoyed to finally find out where the money was.

Michael now acts as chair the federal domestic reserve bank for the Canestarostein household. Both subjects of the study possess piggy banks. They are allotted $1 allowance per week. Both are allowed to spend their money as they wish at any time on anything that does not negatively affect their health or welfare.

Spending behaviors were observed in the harshest of environments; the Halloween costume and toy section of Kroger. To make things worse, they are hopped up on adrenaline after their Saturday swim lesson.

To begin the study:

Subject A: is a 5 year old female who has a piggy bank balance of $4.74
Subject B: is a 8 year old female with a piggy bank balance of "damn!" which includes a 20-spot someone must have given her.

Looks like we should have started this study 5 years ago.

Week #1: Both girls notice rubber, stretchy action figure-like toys. They play with them while their dad anxiously awaits the his turn in the beer aisle. They do not purchase the toys, but dream and lust for them all week.

Week #2: Subject B brings her piggy bank to swim lessons and requests a visit to Kroger. Subject A follows suit. They shop. After about 3 hours, each selects and purchases rubber stretchy action figure.

Subject A chooses Tiffany, infamous bride of Chucky.


Subject B chooses the "Life Like Dracula" doll.


Each cost $3, which leaves:

Subject A: balance of $1.74
Subject B: balance of "holy shit"

and leaves their dad wondering how a Dracula doll can be "lifelike" per package description.

Week 3: It is requested that we stop by Kroger again after swim lessons so that more rubbery $3 dolls may be purchased. Subject A's father makes sure it is clear that she does not have enough money to purchase another doll. Subject B offers her 26 cents an advance of $1 is offered by the federal domestic reserve bank.

Subject A seizes this opportunity to buy another Tiffany doll exactly like the other one! They had a Chucky doll there! She could have bought Chucky and they could have had a mock wedding ceremony. But, this seemingly poor decision must be allowed to take place because it did not negatively affect her health or welfare...researchers must remind themselves...

Subject B chooses the bride of Frankenstein rubber stretchy doll.


This seems like a good purchase. She and Dracula can have a juicy affair.

So, at the conclusion of week 3:

Subject A: $1 in debt until tomorrow.

Subject B: Holy shit.

Entering Week 4:

Subject A: is placed on credit watch. Future loans would have to occur with no money down. This type of predatory lending is not practiced or condoned by the domestic reserve bank.

Subject B: better learn how to cut a hole in a book. Stat.

Conclusion of the study

Subject B is more fiscally responsible. She will be the one who will bail out all the Subject A's the next time the world experiences a fiscal crisis.

...but it doesn't really matter. Because, they will both be hot looking when they grow up and they won't have to pay for anything themselves anyway.

Invest in Lube, Economists, Say...

Use of personal lube at an all-time high due to economic woes

Thursday, October, 9th 4:05pm EST

Shares of KY jelly (NYSE: KY 69 1/2 + 3.5) are up in after hours trading as economists indicate the slowing economy has driven consumers to depend more and more on personal lube products.
"Since the Fannie Mae crisis, consumers have found a greater need to lube their fanny" says Seymour Butz, professor of economics at Tufts University.

Since the congress rammed it's fiscal stimulus package through senate, lube sales have climbed 24%. Experts expect this number to climb rapidly when rectal probes become a standard part of the mortgage approval process.

"We've seen record sales of the Wet Platinum half gallon with pump economy size" says Ben Dover, sales manager for CheapLubes.com


Compounding this trend, retail stores will soon be rolling out the ass-crack swipe device for credit purchases.

"Consumers find this device convenient, but slightly uncomfortable" said Phil McCracken retail marketing analyst for Chase Credit. "It will allow retailers to instantly assess and raise the buyer's credit card rate, based on the risk carried by their purchase items".

Investors are flocking to this sector in mass droves.

Richard Hertz, professor of economics at Brown University claims "This sector is safe, liquid and gets warm when blown on."

Stupid Letters Series #5: Bob Evans

Customer Relations Dept.
Bob Evans Farms, Inc.
P.O. Box 330
Rio Grande, OH 45674

Dear Mr. Evans (or one of his helpers),

I just love sausage. Especially Bob Evans Pork Sausage. I buy the 16 oz. tube and I go through about ten of those in a week. Yeah, all the doctors probably say that isn't the healthiest thing. But, at 350 pounds, I'm not going to please them any time soon.

I've been having this problem lately; my favorite way to eat your sausage is to squeeze it right out of the tube on Ritz Crackers while it's cold right out of the refrigerator. I call that "crackers with sausage spread". My wife and kids don't like it. But, my dog and I think it's great. I eat that every day. However, a couple of times last month I felt a little sick after eating my crackers with sausage spread. I felt like I had the flu real bad. Symptoms included; nausea, chills, diarrhea, dizziness and blurred vision. Do you think I'm becoming allergic to the sausage? Please write back if any of your experts have any advice. Till then, I'll keep "Squirtin' and spreadin'".

Thanks again Bob. You guys make a fine and tasty pig!

Sincerely,

Mike Gastro

Their reply came with a pamphlet titled "Fight Bac":



Dear Mr. Gastro:

Thank you for taking the time to contact us regarding your purchase of our roll sausage products.

I am writing in response to your letter dated April 13, 1998. We do not recommend consumers eating eating this product uncooked due to the risks involved. I feel the illness you experienced is contributed to product not being cooked thoroughly, rather than an allergic reaction. Should you have any questions regarding the ingredients in our sausage, you may contact Tim Lawlis at 1-800-272-****. He will be happy to assist you with further information.

Thank you again, Mr. Gastro, and I hope you will continue being a loyal Bob Evans customer.

Sincerely,

Amber A. Chalfin
Consumer Relations

Cuba Gooding Jr...

...visited campus today on a mission of encouragement designed to make young people temporarily suspend their video gaming and register to vote.

Just look at him walk like he's on a mission. Cuba Gooding, Sr. should be proud.

He spoke in the library. It's the building with all the books in it where everyone goes to diligently update their MySpace page.

I didn't go. But, I do find things some things ironic about his visit:

• For a guy named "Cuba", he sure is democratic


• He didn't even come close to adhering to our faculty/staff dress code


• I wonder if he asked anyone to "show me the money" for his travel expenses?

What's he doing above? Is that an autograph stamp or something? Would save time I suppose...

Hmmm...Ok, that's all I have for now.

So...bye.

The corrections...

Today in lab...

Mike: "OK, guys...today, you will notice there is no data sheet in your lab manual. I will be passing out this graph paper you can use to record your data on."

Student A: "Do we have to make a graph?"

Mike: "No. I'm just giving you graph paper because it looks scientific."

Student B: "Seriously? Or, are you being sarcastic?"

Mike: "Seriously, you don't have enough data to do that. There's really only a mass measurement and some observations you need to take down."

Student A: "But we could do that on just regular paper, right?"

Mike: "Sure, if you want, just use your own regular paper."

Student C: "Then, where do we put our graph?"

Buncha wise asses...

And then in my stack of lab reports, I find this:

A linear plot titled "Mike's Hair Cycle"?

It can't be a "cycle" if it's linear!

Well, at least the slope is correct. But the x and y axes are reversed. The x axis is supposed to be the independent axis, which should be time and the y (dependent) axis should represent when my hair went from "peppered" to "gray" to "bald spot" to "bald". And why does it start at 6 months?

I have a lot of work to do.

Bye.

Click here to win a free blog!

My computer had cyber-herpes.

I think it was invaded by a trojan. I should have used spyware protection.

Or maybe, it's the other way around.

I had good spyware protection. A full year of it. That was two years ago. I thought I could get by without it.

Why?

I thought I was good at not being distracted. Hell, if you're a woman and you want to dangle your thong or your sweater-puppies out there for the whole world to see, I'll try not to to look at your stuff...just out of spite.

And, I'll fail miserably.

Similarly, I am very prudish about where I choose to do my clicky action. I never click on banner ads or pop up ads. Even if I was somehow intrigued by it, I won't click on it, cus I don't trust 'em.

Now I have two kids who routinely use the computer to help build the Webkinz Empire.

On Sunday, I came back from a bike ride and found all sorts of new icons on the screen. Then, every new web page I visited was accompanied by a new pop up ad.

I deleted those files, used the windows uninstall utility and did all sorts of computer related things that suck the fun out of a blog.

It didn't help. This stuff was insidious. I get McAffe antivirus, but it wasn't catching anything.

So, I downloaded Ad aware. There was a free version and a $26.99 version.

Guess which one I chose? I'll give you a hint: it was the cheaper one.

The free version of Ad aware did a scan and determined that I had cyber-STD's all over the place. But, it couldn't remove them all.

Guess which version you need for that? I'll give you another hint: it's not the cheaper one.

So, the free version of Ad aware is only able to make you...aware. The free version was great at giving me a detailed explanation about what I already know, but was piss-poor at doing anything about it. It must have a Ph.D. or something.

Off to Best Buy I went to buy some anti-spyware. I chose to go physically to the store because now I have download trust issues. I'd much rather use software out of the box. I think the bytes are fresher that way.

On the shelf were two programs: Norton Spyware Doctor or Webroot Spy Sweeper. I chose Webroot Spy Sweeper.

Why? Because the Spyware Doctor might have a Ph.D. And, Webroot had an attractive lady on the box.

She works for the company and she looks like she can speak english.

Then, I install Webroot and it starts zapping stuff left and right...pow, wham, zappo! My hard drive started smoking a little bit. And then, McAffe starts chiming in like a jealous girfriend! Webroot would find something and then McAffe would find something as if to say "She ain't so great, I found something better!".

Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty wanted having these two fight for my attention. How ya like me now?

* Buffing nails on shirt *

Now, things are better and if I haven't responded to your emails in anything more than one syllable lately, you know why.

Byte. Uh, I mean, bye!