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My computer had cyber-herpes.

I think it was invaded by a trojan. I should have used spyware protection.

Or maybe, it's the other way around.

I had good spyware protection. A full year of it. That was two years ago. I thought I could get by without it.

Why?

I thought I was good at not being distracted. Hell, if you're a woman and you want to dangle your thong or your sweater-puppies out there for the whole world to see, I'll try not to to look at your stuff...just out of spite.

And, I'll fail miserably.

Similarly, I am very prudish about where I choose to do my clicky action. I never click on banner ads or pop up ads. Even if I was somehow intrigued by it, I won't click on it, cus I don't trust 'em.

Now I have two kids who routinely use the computer to help build the Webkinz Empire.

On Sunday, I came back from a bike ride and found all sorts of new icons on the screen. Then, every new web page I visited was accompanied by a new pop up ad.

I deleted those files, used the windows uninstall utility and did all sorts of computer related things that suck the fun out of a blog.

It didn't help. This stuff was insidious. I get McAffe antivirus, but it wasn't catching anything.

So, I downloaded Ad aware. There was a free version and a $26.99 version.

Guess which one I chose? I'll give you a hint: it was the cheaper one.

The free version of Ad aware did a scan and determined that I had cyber-STD's all over the place. But, it couldn't remove them all.

Guess which version you need for that? I'll give you another hint: it's not the cheaper one.

So, the free version of Ad aware is only able to make you...aware. The free version was great at giving me a detailed explanation about what I already know, but was piss-poor at doing anything about it. It must have a Ph.D. or something.

Off to Best Buy I went to buy some anti-spyware. I chose to go physically to the store because now I have download trust issues. I'd much rather use software out of the box. I think the bytes are fresher that way.

On the shelf were two programs: Norton Spyware Doctor or Webroot Spy Sweeper. I chose Webroot Spy Sweeper.

Why? Because the Spyware Doctor might have a Ph.D. And, Webroot had an attractive lady on the box.

She works for the company and she looks like she can speak english.

Then, I install Webroot and it starts zapping stuff left and right...pow, wham, zappo! My hard drive started smoking a little bit. And then, McAffe starts chiming in like a jealous girfriend! Webroot would find something and then McAffe would find something as if to say "She ain't so great, I found something better!".

Needless to say, I'm feeling pretty wanted having these two fight for my attention. How ya like me now?

* Buffing nails on shirt *

Now, things are better and if I haven't responded to your emails in anything more than one syllable lately, you know why.

Byte. Uh, I mean, bye!