Invest in Lube, Economists, Say...

Use of personal lube at an all-time high due to economic woes

Thursday, October, 9th 4:05pm EST

Shares of KY jelly (NYSE: KY 69 1/2 + 3.5) are up in after hours trading as economists indicate the slowing economy has driven consumers to depend more and more on personal lube products.
"Since the Fannie Mae crisis, consumers have found a greater need to lube their fanny" says Seymour Butz, professor of economics at Tufts University.

Since the congress rammed it's fiscal stimulus package through senate, lube sales have climbed 24%. Experts expect this number to climb rapidly when rectal probes become a standard part of the mortgage approval process.

"We've seen record sales of the Wet Platinum half gallon with pump economy size" says Ben Dover, sales manager for CheapLubes.com


Compounding this trend, retail stores will soon be rolling out the ass-crack swipe device for credit purchases.

"Consumers find this device convenient, but slightly uncomfortable" said Phil McCracken retail marketing analyst for Chase Credit. "It will allow retailers to instantly assess and raise the buyer's credit card rate, based on the risk carried by their purchase items".

Investors are flocking to this sector in mass droves.

Richard Hertz, professor of economics at Brown University claims "This sector is safe, liquid and gets warm when blown on."