Poor Economy Causing Increased Farmlifting

The Dungkicker Times Weekly, Oct 14th, 2008

Dayton, OH: With a sluggish and panicking economy, farmers are noticing a huge increase in farm thefts, which includes late night milk raids of sleeping cows.

"It used to be folks would just tip the cows over. Now, they milk 'em and leave 'em". Says Bubba McTwinlkediddy, dairy farmer of 37 years.

"This morning, I came out to find my whole herd was bone-dry and Bessie was crying."

A gallon of unpasteurized milk can go for as much at $2 on the black chocolate milk market. Cow-tippers and crop circle makers are now opting to profit from their activities and stealing food as the economy has made them desperate.

"It's not just stealth-milking, but these country criminals are now storming barns and poaching eggs" says E.I. McDonald, director of the Cornhole Cooperative Extension.

"No one's going to buy the cow, when they can get the milk for free." Says Mel Nourished, director of the Bovine Institute of Macroeconomics.

Area farmers are more and concerned than ever and looking to protect their inventory. UdderChastity, the fledgling upstart company which produces farming technology products is developing a state of the art, udder locking system with keypad entry designed to keep the teats under lock and key until the proper code is entered.

"Ain't nothin sacred no more" said McTinklediddy. "I'm left with nothin' but some mad cows!".

Bessie was not available for comment.