Create Your Own Microbiological Educational Drama

Thanks to the fine folks at Educational Innovations, you can educate your students or offspring about microorganisms with life-like plush germ toys.

You can create a story and play it out for the kiddies like a puppet show.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Giardia.

She went on tour, with the band Anthrax, living on nothing but peanut butter, where she met an Italian guy named Sal...Sal was a worldy man, who had been around a lot. When she and Salvatore consummated a physical relationship, Giardia was introduced to a couple of new friends Phillis and Gon...




But, these new friends were bad for her and caused her much pain and suffering. Luckilly, Ben Icillin came to the rescue.

Ben exterminated their asses and there was no way they were ever gonnarrheappear. Sal and Giardia eventually went their own separate ways. But, she rebounded and got married to a guy who seemed like a keeper.



They had a family...

and lived happily ever after...

Until one day, Giardia, gave her husband a special present from back in her younger days...

A present, she didn't even realize she had.

THE END

A Good Resume

Who needs a good resume? It's just a piece of paper.

Oh yeah?

What happens in this tough labor market, if your resume really sucks? As a first-level manager of almost 8 years, I cannot stress enough the importance of a good resume. And, so I thought I would take some time to share what goes into a good resume.

Young professionals, a resume is more than a just a simple piece of paper. It's a two-dimensional extension of your entire existence. It represents your past, present and future. It is a symbol of all you can or ever will be. A beacon of what's forthcoming from you as you pour your being into your new identity and self. It is the liberation of your soul from dark into light.

But, what happens if your resume is not acceptable? You send it to the place of employment and the hiring manager is not impressed. Then, he or she crumples it up into a tight little wad and throws it into the waste paper basket! But, the shot is off and it falls to the floor and then some guy walking by picks it up and slams it into the waste basket really hard like Shaq, pretending it's an offensive rebound, and even further dissing you.

Or, in this day and age of privacy and records retention, they look at your resume and then laugh at it mockingly together while their cigar smoke billows into the air and they shred it into a million pieces in the paper shredder rendering it totally unrecognizable from it's original form. Then maybe, someone in the office has a young cat who was just de-clawed and for a week they were told by the vet to use shredded paper instead of kitty litter so the kitty's sutures don't open back up. So, this person takes home the shredded paper which includes what once was your resume and all week, tiny bits of your resume are being peed and pooped on and then clawed at and mixed up with kitty pee and poop.

If this doesn't motivate you to make sure you have a good resume, nothing will.

So, now, what is the secret to a good resume?

The margins. Make sure you have the margins right. It's all in those margins.

Now go. Use this information and knock 'em dead with that dynamite resume of yours...

...that has awesome margins.

Bye.

You and your 2008 tax return

Hey, it's tax time!

That means it's time to do the taxes.

OK, bye.

No, just kidding, I have more to say. Like; are you preparing your taxes in such a way that you will maximize your refund?

There are many techniques you can use that will maximize the money you get back from the government. Unfortunately, all of these techniques are completely illegal and totally unethical. But hey, the government, what with their expensive smart-bombs and fancy libraries put us into this financial mess! You deserve to keep a little more of your hard-earned money so you can help stimulate the economy, right? Say yeah. So, by maybe accentuating some of the more refund-friendly aspects of your tax return, you can get a larger refund. It's not lying. Actually, that itself was a lie. It's more like shading some of your information about how much money you made. Okay, that sounded pretty bad, too. Let's just move on to some more specific things, like some places you can make adjustments in your return that will land some cash in your pocket.

Income

The word "income", which stems from the Latin words "incom" and "e", refers to the amount of money that comes in to your home. That's the ambiguity you can capitalize on. Filing "head of household"? Well, what if the day you got your paycheck you went to happy hour and bought a whole bunch of beers for people? That money theoretically wasn't brought home and should not be counted as income. So, when you place the amount on line 7 of your federal 1040 form, make sure you have deducted all the tall cans and ho-ho's you bought at the Quickie Mart before you actually got home.

Dependents

Dependents are people who depend on you. But, don't your goldfish depend on you? I say hell yeah! You feed them, change their water and save them from the cat who keeps wanting to tip their bowl over and eat them. Now that I think of it, the cat is a dependent, too! Claim all of these creatures on your form so you receive the maximum deduction. Got a dependent friend or person at work? Claim him too!

Capital Gains

No use even talking about these. No one has any this year. Next item.

Charitable Donations

Congratulations, you philanthropic bastard, on your donating $28,000 to charitable organizations last year! Chances are, when you claim this large a donation, you will be audited. No worries, here's what you do:

Donate the minimum amount to an organization that will get you the free gift. Then, keep the gift. When you are (inevitably) audited by the IRS, make a statement about how magnanimous you are by wearing your Audubon Society hat and your PBS Telletubbies sweatshirt. Bring your United Way golf umbrella, even if it's sunny or snowing outside. Don't forget your Catholic Charities jock strap. The auditor won't see it, but you'll have the confidence of knowing it is supporting you through the process.

Another tip: if you only made $22,000 last year at your job, don't claim you gave $28,000 to charity. Go for something more believable, like $18,000.

Summary

True, part of the $19,842 tax refund you'll be due won't be legitimate. But, who can use the money more wisely? You, or the government? The answer is you, of course! $19,842 will buy a lot of ShamWows. So, you had better get cracking...

Five Observations and Questions Regarding the New Administration

1) President Obama can get his groove on. During the inauguration festivities, there was a moment where a band was playing and President Obama was shaking his head back and forth like Glen Quagmire on Family Guy. That's great. I think it's therapeutic for everyone to get their groove on. If Nixon had gotten his on, there might not have been the Watergate scandal, had Bush gotten his groove on we might have been more relaxed and patient and waited for UN approval in Iraq and if Bill Clinton had gotten his groove on... Never mind, Bill Clinton did get his groove on.

2) I'm sorry, but Michelle Obama is a FLILF. Yow!

3) Joe Biden needs a hair intervention.

4) Where is the smoking section of the White House?

5) I am glad President Obama is active and plays hoops. But I wish we had a president who could dunk. Imagine if on the evening news they showed Barack Obama driving the lane, taking off from the foul line, stuffing it home with two hands, hanging on the rim for a bit and screaming "AHHHHHHHH!" Tell me that wouldn't send a message to al-Qeada!

More Pro Football Teams Contemplating Bird Nicknames

When 4 of the 5 NFL teams with bird nicknames made the playoffs, teams owners took notice.

The Baltimore Ravens held tough, but could not quite come through in making 2009 the year of the first "all bird" Super Bowl featuring them vs. the Arizona Cardinals.

But next season will bring change. In light of US Airways flight 1549 over New York City, in which a few geese brought down a large jet, the New York Jets are giving serious consideration toward renaming themselves.

"As The Jets, we laid an egg and missed the playoffs this year. Geese certainly demonstrated their prowess last week when they brought down that jet. That seems like a potential switch to me." Said Al B. Tross, Director of Mascot Operations for the New York Jets.


Lynn Swann was not available for comment.

Altering Business Marquis Signs for Fun & Profit & More Fun

Craving a little excitement? Looking to make a statement that will shake up your local community? Then, altering the letters on business marquis signs to say silly things might be just for you!

Personally, I have decided to retire from the sport. Yes, I said sport. I guess when I turned 40, I came to the realization that life requires more responsibility and maturity of people my age. And that means my friends no longer want to accompany me on these missions because they are totally lame now, offering me excuses like "I don't want to be arrested". Pfeh...

As a 20 year veteran of marquis sign letter art, I possess a wealth of experience and knowledge of best practices. I'm looking to pass the torch to you, the young-at-heart whipper snapper who needs to express him or herself.

But, whoa there, Eager McBeaver! First, you'll need some training. And you'll need to promise to adhere to the letter changer's guidelines and honor code (LCGAHC) which follows:

1) Resulting messages should have some relevance or context

Anyone can be flat-out vulgar. Some of my early works were and consequently, shall not be mentioned in this blog. For example, that bank sign stating "come in for free mortgage analysis, CPA broker on duty" could be changed around to read all sorts of vulgar words, including the F-bomb. But, the master sign changer will fore go the F-bomb in favor of something that is not only silly, but a funny reflection of the business outside where the sign rests...


Like "come in for a free anal probe", "Anal" is an actual medical term. This was one of my finest works. It is a clear indictment of the mortgage approval process.

Or Kil Kare speedway, home of the Friday night drag races I can hear from my house miles away...

Yeah! In case you've ever been there, it's probably also true. Notice the slight imperfection in spelling, which brings about the next guideline...

2) Misspellings or Misuse of letters are only allowable when there are not enough letters to allow adherence to guideline #1.

You might need to take some liberties with some letters. For example, above, we all know "skid marks" is not spelled "scidd", but there were no more K's available. So, sometimes things have to be misspelled and make sense phonetically. Someone once suggested I should bring my own letters. Well, where's the sport in that? Each sign presents it's own unique challenge and you must accept the terms of that challenge. And that, my friends, is beautiful.

Feel free to use that "3" backwards, when you are out of "E's"...


Note, the sexual reference has context, because we're classy.

Finally:

3) Never hit an establishment more than once

4) No breaking or stealing letters

5) Don't run if someone sees you. It only draws attention to you, dumbass.

You now possess the basic tools necessary to perform some fine works of art.

Now go and make me proud.

And please invite me.

Chelsey Sullenberger; hero or goose killer?

How quick we are to place people up on a pedestal. Yesterday, Chelsey "Sully" Sullenberger flew a big, giant Airbus A320 into a flock of harmless, innocent geese.




Yet, all we can seem to do is praise him for how he steered the plane into the Hudson river, performing a fairly routine water landing. While passengers of the flight promptly forgot that their seat may also be used as a floatation device, the plane itself slammed into the Hudson River. This might have very well stunned or even killed several fish if it weren't for the fact that it was the Hudson river, where fish cannot survive.

This makes me think; when I ride my bike to work, I manage to steer clear of geese and respect their need for space. I gleefully ride through their poo and even respond to their aggression by hissing back. But, in our jet-set, fast-paced lifestyle we ignore the needs of birds and geese and it's up to honkeys like me to cry for air space reform.

Every year, there are approximately 4,000 documented cases of planes striking birds. Yet, is the focus of our attention centered around the birds themselves? Noooooo! We are too fixated on human lives and preserving the functionality of our big shiny, expensive airplanes. When plane/bird encounters (PBE's) do occur, the burned and shredded remains of the innocent birds are whisked away, sans memorial service to the Smithsonian Feather Identification Lab where they are studied so that we might find out how we can avoid messing up our shiny expensive airplanes in the future.

The time for action is now. There must be a comprehensive, concerted government sponsored effort to provide a safe haven for birds who live adjacent to airports. We all know birds lived in the Hudson river area prior to the arrival of Laguardia Airport. We owe them a reservation of airspace, where they can recreate, chirp, lay and hatch eggs. Perhaps we should institute a allotment of time similar to adult swim at the local pool where they can fly wherever they want. Whatever. But it needs to be done now before more of these tragedies occur.

Don't you think that would be tweet?

Unfortunately, these right wing people wouldn't understand.

No geese or fish were harmed in the creation of this blog.

Billy Mays is the devil

I despise slick marketing when it is borderline dishonest.

Have you seen the new TV ad for the new BMW clean diesel vehicles? Say yes. The ad brags about how you can drive 580 miles on a tank of diesel, while most gasoline vehicles have a range of only 400 miles or less. I find this intriguing. I live 560 miles away from where I grew up. That means I could drive home without filling my tank. That would sound enticing, until I reminded myself of the potential for blood clots and hemmorhoids...

The Germans also seem to be forgetting we Yanks are in an economic crisis. AHHHHHH! So, would they think we would ignore the fact that here in states, gasoline is $1.70 per gallon and diesel is about $2.50 per gallon? Apparently they do, the crazy dumpkofs!

As consumers, we don't get much credit. Maybe we deserve this. Go find someone who drives a BMW and ask them what a muffler costs.

This is an example of slick marketing. Which basically emphasizes the strong point of a product. I prefer this to dishonest marketing. Case in point, Billy Mays...

Billy Mays

Don't get my Dad or I started on Billy Mays. We both think he is Satan. He's the loud, kinda cute bearded guy who pitches Oxi Clean, Magic Putty and Mighty Mendit. Sometimes being loud is more credible. Imagine me reading this blog through a megaphone. Wouldn't it be more credible? He also uses camera trickery and fancy graphics to make his products appear functional.

Maybe you've seen this ad for Mighty Mendit? Watch the computer animation where is shows how this magic substance causes the microscopic fibers to match up and actually replicate it's DNA to bond to each other where they tore as if it was animal flesh healing. Oh, and check out the wind tunnel, where someone is obviously holding his back side, so he can lean in to make the wind appear strong.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_5UinfmC38

ShamWow

ShamWow is an innovative piece of synthetic fabric that absorbs liquids twenty times it's weight. Which, by the way, is pretty much what paper towels do. If you watch the TV ad, you'll notice the tricky film editing where a skinny headset-wearing dude with a New Jersey accent switches out the piece of carpet that he just spilled cola on. Magically, all the liquid is absorbed and it no longer has even a stain on it. He says "you're gonna pay $20 a month on paper towels anyway!" Really? I have a cat whos favorite hobby is tipping over half-filled glasses of water and fish bowls and I have not yet had to allocate $20 per month in paper towel funding. That's like $240 a year on paper towels. Let's all go to the grocery store right now and try to spend $20 on paper towels. We would totally mess up their inventory.

Finally, you can get sheets of the stuff that ShamWow is made from at the dollar store.

So, I think ShamWow is a sham. Wow!

Let that soak in...

How to make argumentative people shut the hell up.

Like to argue? If yes, then, please don't read this. There's lots of people like me who don't particularly enjoy it and you'll just learn our new tactics designed to help us deal with you people.

I guess I'm the consummate Libra, because I find people very...draining. Sometimes, I feel as if I have "push your opinions on me" stamped on my forehead or something...

Well, I'm going to push an opinion on you. Arguing most points doesn't change anyone's stance on anything. People are way too closed-minded and stubborn to allow someone else to change their outlook. It just wastes energy.

I know what you're asking..."How do I win arguments versus these opinionated people and make them go away?"

And, there's the rub. You can't. You see, as a child they were beaten regularly with a garden hose. Now, they need to smack you down verbally in order to regain some of their self esteem. These folks need to win arguments. Ergo, they have gotten quite skilled at them. So, you shouldn't try playing along. Do your best to arrive at a stale mate. This will make them recognize they aren't going to win or lose, they will give up and you can go on with the next 30 minutes of your life.

Here's some great techniques you can try, listed by type of argumentalist.

Atheists

Ironically, some atheists have a holier-than-thou attitude. They do not believe in a God, The Holy Spirit or Ceiling Cat. Some feel especially repressed by religion. This is really a carefully articulated reflex that results from when they were beaten by Nuns in Catholic school. So, don't ever argue religion with them, especially if you're religious. They are highly skilled at poking holes in that stuff. Instead, attack quickly and directly by asking "Then how'd all this stuff get here? Something must have put it all here!" They will quickly counter by claiming there is no proof of a God. Fine. You can't prove there is a God and they can't prove there isn't one. So, you have now achieved a stale mate and you and your atheist friend can move on to other subjects you both agree upon, like what a dufus Mel Gibson is.

Evangelists

Unlike atheists, these folks will knock on your door and try to convince you of their beliefs. Do not try and argue. Just tell them for every minute you spend talking to them, you will spend and equivalent amount of time worshiping Satan. They will go away in a hurry because they believe they will eventually be judged on how many souls they saved in this life.

The Political Commentator

In this wonderful age of cable TV news, CNN and the FOX network, we have spawned a new breed of human, ones with tiny strings in the back of their neck which may be pulled and through a tiny speaker in their mouths spout the exact sentence Bill O'Reilly, Phil Donahue or Neal Boortz just blurted out as a segue for a commercial ad for investment in gold coins.

Tell them from the get go, politics is a waste of time and nothing they say will make the world arrive at a consensus. Then, walk, no...run far away. They will chase you. As they do, throw a dollar at them. They will stop and pick it up, allowing you to get away while they either invest it or give it to the government.

Sports Dude

Do not challenge Sports Dude's knowledge of every statistic in every sport. He has committed a full 88% of his gray matter to sports, allowing only 12% remaining which is used to tell his body to swim toward light, like a paramecium. While you're downing beers at the sports bar and you sense him beginning to flaunt his knowledge, send him a curve ball (har har har!) by dropping some fictional obscure name. This will confuse him and he'll back way off.

"Yeah, sure Roberto Clemente may have had a batting average of .353 in 1960. But in 1885, Peno Piqeno of the Cuban Giants batted .669!"

He'll run home immediately to look it up in his sports almanac. Now, you can drink the rest of his beer and enjoy the solitude of not having that argument about artificial turf you were going to have in 45 seconds.

Summary

Arguing is wasteful and draining. You can't disagree. Well, you can actually. But if you do, we now have an action plan, so to speak. I don't know who "we" is. I guess I really mean me and anyone who agrees with what I just wrote, which I hope you do. Otherwise, well...you know...

I SAID GOOD DAY! Part Doh!

A continuation of previous post (below)

Random Person: So how was basketball

Random Person: Practice at 6 in the morning! That's gotta suck!

Me: I fouled g-man while he was shooting a 3-pointer and coach got mad & made me do sprints and then he grabbed my package.

Random Person: Who is g-man?

Me: Quit playin' , you know who g-money is!

Random Person: You had to run sprints at 6 in the morning? I bet that had to suck!

Me: Yeah and then coach jumped in the shower with me.

Random Person: Oh wow...I bet that was fun lol.

Me: Actually, I kinda liked it. Maybe next time we'll use separate showers tho.

Random Person: You liked being in the shower with the coach?

Me: Yeah, I'm exploring a new side of my self.

Random Person: And what side is that?

Random Person: That blue jacket is cute today.

Me: Thanks. I shoplifted it.

Random Person: Nice lol

Me: Mall cop chased me but I juked him. Next time you see me with it, come touch it. It's nice!

Random Person: I can't do that...you will know who I am then lol

Me: This isn't Gertrude?

Random Person: Lol no

Me: Well, I can't just text back and forth with someone I don't know. Good day then.

Random Person: What's your new side that your exploring?

Random Person: You want to know who it is?

Me: I SAID GOOD DAY!

I SAID GOOD DAY!

I have Virgin Mobile "pay as you go" cell phone service.

For a while, I have had a sneaking suspicion that there's some shenanigans going on because I get weird text messages from people I don't know.

For this latest round of random texts, I thought I'd use my friend's technique of abruptly ending a conversation. He's a pharmacist, and when people come in to refill their Xanax way too early, he just tells them "Good day" and when they begin to argue further "But, wait, I..." he replies firmly in Willy Wonka/Fez from the 70's show form "I SAID GOOD DAY!"

Random Person: Hey

Random Person: Hey torri

Random Person: Hello?

Random Persistant Person: Why don't you text your stalker back?

Me: Gulp!

Random Person: Yeah... You didn't know you had a stalker?

Me: I gotta say no.

Random Person: Well, now you do. :)

Me: Look, I'm sure you're a nice stalker. But, I really enjoy the solitude of not having one. And besides, I'm not that great. Sorry.

Random Person: Well, your mom said it was ok for me to be it. :) and don't be all depressed like your not all great and stuff lol.

Me: I'm sorry, nice stalker. I have to go now. Good day to you.

Random Person: Why do you have to go? Basketball practice isn't until 7:30?

Me: I SAID GOOD DAY!

I learned how to switch to caps just for that. But, I guess it didn't work. I woke up today to 6 new text messages asking me about basketball practice.

To be continued...

I don't need this distraction!

My Dad gave me a green laser pointer for Christmas. Nothing that powerful, only 5 mW.

But, Holy Cannoli! The thing is 'da bomb! I'm writing this blog in green, just to show my new found respect.

Green lasers are brighter, in part because our eyes can see green better because it is in the center of the visible spectrum (ROYGBIV).

Secondly, green light has more energy per photon than red light.

Thirdly, green lasers KICK ASS!

* Darth Vader like breathing *

While the salt truck drove by a two minutes ago, I snuck in the guest room where it's all dark and shot a green dot on the road where in front of where he was driving, maybe a few tenths of a mile down the road and he hit his brakes! I almost woke everybody up from cracking up so bad.

Last night, it was misty and because of the humidity, you could see the entire beam! I shot a green dot on a cloud!

Yee har!

I hit the picture window of a house, at the end of the cul de sac and I could see the green dot on an inside wall. Randy, if you are reading this, look outside your window right now. I'm glad I don't know where any one's bedroom is, or I'd be tempted to mess with people while they are trying to sleep.

With more powerful wattage lasers, you can pop dark balloons and even light matches.

Yeeeeahhhhhh!

So, I guess I gotta go.

Bye.

My Dad Built an Octagon Thingy

My Father, who had a heart attack this summer, is using his second lease on life to the fullest.

Sure, we all dream of building an octagon on the roof of our house. But, do we ever go about it? Hardly ever. Why? Because, we're paying attention to petty stuff like chasing the almighty dollar and struggling to achieve professional advancement. This causes us to miss out on what's really important in life. And, that, my friends, is building wood geometric structures that sit atop our house that constantly measure the temperature.

You heard me right. This isn't one of those garden-variety octagons. This one provides real-time updates of the temperature in the octagon as it magnificently captures the sun's rays with its semi-transparent walls.


Notice the brightly colored orange cone on top. That's what I call craftsmanship.


Wards off low-flying airplanes like nobody's business.

Now, I hear all you naysayers, you're saying "That thing is worthless and depreciates property value".

Well whoa there, eager McBeaver! Why not take some time to ponder all the wonderful things a roof octagon can do? For this eight-sided enigma, the possibilities are infinite. Maybe even more than infinite! For example, there were rumors of cock fights taking place in my hometown. The new roof octagon provides a high altitude venue for UFC-type rooster bouts of male chickeney dominance. The latest temperature reports show a significantly elevated temperature in octagon. My Dad, might just incorporate this into his weight loss routine. He only needs to lose a mere 17 pounds of water weight before he cracks sub-200 pounds for the first time since 9th grade. A rooftop sauna could be just what the doctor ordered.

Truth be told, I don't really know what the octagon does or is. And, that's good enough for me. Because, when Dad finally goes to the great octagon in the sky, I live further away from my Dad's house than my brothers do.

And, when the time comes to finally dismantle it, I know they will beat me to the punch.

2009 International Bowl