Monday, January 12, 2009

How to make argumentative people shut the hell up.

Like to argue? If yes, then, please don't read this. There's lots of people like me who don't particularly enjoy it and you'll just learn our new tactics designed to help us deal with you people.

I guess I'm the consummate Libra, because I find people very...draining. Sometimes, I feel as if I have "push your opinions on me" stamped on my forehead or something...

Well, I'm going to push an opinion on you. Arguing most points doesn't change anyone's stance on anything. People are way too closed-minded and stubborn to allow someone else to change their outlook. It just wastes energy.

I know what you're asking..."How do I win arguments versus these opinionated people and make them go away?"

And, there's the rub. You can't. You see, as a child they were beaten regularly with a garden hose. Now, they need to smack you down verbally in order to regain some of their self esteem. These folks need to win arguments. Ergo, they have gotten quite skilled at them. So, you shouldn't try playing along. Do your best to arrive at a stale mate. This will make them recognize they aren't going to win or lose, they will give up and you can go on with the next 30 minutes of your life.

Here's some great techniques you can try, listed by type of argumentalist.


Ironically, some atheists have a holier-than-thou attitude. They do not believe in a God, The Holy Spirit or Ceiling Cat. Some feel especially repressed by religion. This is really a carefully articulated reflex that results from when they were beaten by Nuns in Catholic school. So, don't ever argue religion with them, especially if you're religious. They are highly skilled at poking holes in that stuff. Instead, attack quickly and directly by asking "Then how'd all this stuff get here? Something must have put it all here!" They will quickly counter by claiming there is no proof of a God. Fine. You can't prove there is a God and they can't prove there isn't one. So, you have now achieved a stale mate and you and your atheist friend can move on to other subjects you both agree upon, like what a dufus Mel Gibson is.


Unlike atheists, these folks will knock on your door and try to convince you of their beliefs. Do not try and argue. Just tell them for every minute you spend talking to them, you will spend and equivalent amount of time worshiping Satan. They will go away in a hurry because they believe they will eventually be judged on how many souls they saved in this life.

The Political Commentator

In this wonderful age of cable TV news, CNN and the FOX network, we have spawned a new breed of human, ones with tiny strings in the back of their neck which may be pulled and through a tiny speaker in their mouths spout the exact sentence Bill O'Reilly, Phil Donahue or Neal Boortz just blurted out as a segue for a commercial ad for investment in gold coins.

Tell them from the get go, politics is a waste of time and nothing they say will make the world arrive at a consensus. Then, walk, far away. They will chase you. As they do, throw a dollar at them. They will stop and pick it up, allowing you to get away while they either invest it or give it to the government.

Sports Dude

Do not challenge Sports Dude's knowledge of every statistic in every sport. He has committed a full 88% of his gray matter to sports, allowing only 12% remaining which is used to tell his body to swim toward light, like a paramecium. While you're downing beers at the sports bar and you sense him beginning to flaunt his knowledge, send him a curve ball (har har har!) by dropping some fictional obscure name. This will confuse him and he'll back way off.

"Yeah, sure Roberto Clemente may have had a batting average of .353 in 1960. But in 1885, Peno Piqeno of the Cuban Giants batted .669!"

He'll run home immediately to look it up in his sports almanac. Now, you can drink the rest of his beer and enjoy the solitude of not having that argument about artificial turf you were going to have in 45 seconds.


Arguing is wasteful and draining. You can't disagree. Well, you can actually. But if you do, we now have an action plan, so to speak. I don't know who "we" is. I guess I really mean me and anyone who agrees with what I just wrote, which I hope you do. Otherwise, know...


Catherine Gatmin said...

Very good blog, Love to hear more for my blog :)

Anonymous said...

Really funny stuff here, and I get your point. Thanks for the chuckle, and the creative advice!

mercedes hodge said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I JUST FOUND THIS POST. First of all , you are a EXCELLENT WRITER! I am a poet, and a writer as well. I actually don't write what I know because of fear of offending people. But I have a way with words. But you seem to know how to really get your point across. Yes, argumentative people suck!