You and your 2008 tax return

Hey, it's tax time!

That means it's time to do the taxes.

OK, bye.

No, just kidding, I have more to say. Like; are you preparing your taxes in such a way that you will maximize your refund?

There are many techniques you can use that will maximize the money you get back from the government. Unfortunately, all of these techniques are completely illegal and totally unethical. But hey, the government, what with their expensive smart-bombs and fancy libraries put us into this financial mess! You deserve to keep a little more of your hard-earned money so you can help stimulate the economy, right? Say yeah. So, by maybe accentuating some of the more refund-friendly aspects of your tax return, you can get a larger refund. It's not lying. Actually, that itself was a lie. It's more like shading some of your information about how much money you made. Okay, that sounded pretty bad, too. Let's just move on to some more specific things, like some places you can make adjustments in your return that will land some cash in your pocket.

Income

The word "income", which stems from the Latin words "incom" and "e", refers to the amount of money that comes in to your home. That's the ambiguity you can capitalize on. Filing "head of household"? Well, what if the day you got your paycheck you went to happy hour and bought a whole bunch of beers for people? That money theoretically wasn't brought home and should not be counted as income. So, when you place the amount on line 7 of your federal 1040 form, make sure you have deducted all the tall cans and ho-ho's you bought at the Quickie Mart before you actually got home.

Dependents

Dependents are people who depend on you. But, don't your goldfish depend on you? I say hell yeah! You feed them, change their water and save them from the cat who keeps wanting to tip their bowl over and eat them. Now that I think of it, the cat is a dependent, too! Claim all of these creatures on your form so you receive the maximum deduction. Got a dependent friend or person at work? Claim him too!

Capital Gains

No use even talking about these. No one has any this year. Next item.

Charitable Donations

Congratulations, you philanthropic bastard, on your donating $28,000 to charitable organizations last year! Chances are, when you claim this large a donation, you will be audited. No worries, here's what you do:

Donate the minimum amount to an organization that will get you the free gift. Then, keep the gift. When you are (inevitably) audited by the IRS, make a statement about how magnanimous you are by wearing your Audubon Society hat and your PBS Telletubbies sweatshirt. Bring your United Way golf umbrella, even if it's sunny or snowing outside. Don't forget your Catholic Charities jock strap. The auditor won't see it, but you'll have the confidence of knowing it is supporting you through the process.

Another tip: if you only made $22,000 last year at your job, don't claim you gave $28,000 to charity. Go for something more believable, like $18,000.

Summary

True, part of the $19,842 tax refund you'll be due won't be legitimate. But, who can use the money more wisely? You, or the government? The answer is you, of course! $19,842 will buy a lot of ShamWows. So, you had better get cracking...